A man walks into a bar and he has a pet octopus. He sits down at the bar and says to the bartender ”give us two beers over here!”
The bartender walks over and see’s the octopus and he says, ”Didn’t you see the sign over there it says no pets allowed!”
The man say’s to the bartender, ”oh but you don’t understand this is a special octopus and he can play any musical instrument that you have.”
The bartender replied back, ”well I’ll tell you what, if he can play any instrument you can both drink for free all night!”
The bartender walks up to the band playing and grabs a guitar. He puts it down on the bar.
The octopus crawls up on the bar and feels around the guitar for a little while, then finally he picks it up and starts jamming. He’s so good he sounded like Jimi Hendricks!
The bartender was amazed and says, ”alright lets try one more”.
This time he goes into the back room and brings out a dusty old set of bagpipes and promptly put them on the bar and says ”lets see him play this!”
The octopus starts crawling all over the bagpipes. He continues this for quite awhile.
The bartender shouted out ” See I knew he couldn’t play all these instruments!”
And the man replies, ”Just give him a few more minutes...
as soon as he figures out he can’t have sex with it, he’ll play it!”
A panda bear walks into a bar, and tells the bartender that he wants to have lunch. The bartender gives him a menu and he orders.
The panda bear eats his lunch, and when he finishes, he gets up to leave. Suddenly, the panda bear pulls an AK-47 out of his fur, and shoots the bar to pieces. He then heads for the door.
The shocked bartender jumps out from behind the destroyed bar and yells, ”Hey, what do you think you’re doing? You ate lunch, shot up my bar, and now you’re just going to leave?”
The panda bear answers calmlly, ”I’m a panda bear.” The bartender says, ”Yeah, so?” The panda bear replies, ”Look it up,” and walks out the door.
The bartender jumps back behind the ruined bar and grabs his encyclopedia. He looks up ”panda bear,” and sure enough, there is a picture of the panda bear.
He reads the caption, which says, ”Panda Bear--a cuddly, black and white creature. Eats shoots and leaves.”
A guy walks into a bar with his dog. They both go up to the barstool and sit down. The owner orders two beers.
The bartendar just frowns and says, ”Look buddy, we can’t have any dogs sitting up at the bar.”
The owner retorts, ”But this is no ordinary dog.” The bartendar doesn’t budge from his stance and tells the guy to leave.
The owner protests, ”Look, this is no ordinary dog. This is a talking dog.”
The bartendar says, ”Yeah right buddy.
Okay, why don’t you and your talking dog leave the bar?”
The owner says, ”Okay, I’ll tell you what. I’ll go into the bathroom and take a leak. You can talk to my dog while I go. If you still want us to leave when I get back, we will.”
So the owner leaves. And the dog and the bartendar start talking it up like they are long lost friends. The bartendar starts to really like this dog. There talking about sports and beer and women.
So the bartendar comes up with an idea. He turns to the dog and says, ”Look, I have a friend who owns the bar across the street. If I give you $20 will you go into the bar and order a beer from him?”
The dog says, ”No problem”, and gets up and leaves.
The owner comes back and ask where his dog is. The bartenday explains about the joke. So the owner leaves to get his dog.
Right out of the bar, the owner sees his dog humping another lady dog. And the owner says, ”Hey, get off of her. Why have I never seen you doing this before?”
To which the dog replies, ”Because I have never had $20 before.”
Three mice are sitting at a bar in a rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.
The first mouse downs a shot of Jack Daniel’s, slams the glass onto the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, ”When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot.
When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese.”
The second mouse orders up two shots of Bombay Sapphire, downs them both, slams each glass into the bar.
Turns to the first mouse, and replies: ”Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day.
”The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse.
The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, ”I don’t have time for this bullshit. I got to go home and fuck the cat.”
A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, ”Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn’t pay for your sandwich!” The panda yells back at the bartender, ”Hey, I’m a PANDA! Look it up!”
The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: ”A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.