These three guys got together one day and were talking about how drunk they got at a party the night before.
The first guy said, ”Man I was so drunk last night I went home and blew chunks.”
The second guy said, ”Man that was nothing I was so drunk last night I was driving home and I got my DWI.”
The third guy says, ”Man that was nothing. I was so drunk last night I was driving home and I picked up a prostitute and my wife caught us in bed.”
Then the first guy said, ”No -- you guys don’t understand! Chunks is my dog!”
A duck walks into a bar. He goes up to the bartender and says ”Got any grapes?” The bartender says ”No” so the duck leaves. The duck comes back the next day, goes up to the bartender, and says ”Got any grapes?” The bartender says ”No” so the duck leaves.
The next day the duck comes back again. He goes up to the bartender and says ”Got any grapes?”
The bartender says ”Look duck. We don’t have any grapes today, we didn’t have any yesterday, and we definitely won’t have any tomorrow. If you come back in here and ask for grapes again, I’m going to nail your webbed feet to the floor.”
So the duck leaves. The duck comes back the next day, goes up to the bartender and asks ”Got any nails?” The bartender says ”No.” Then the duck says ”Oh good. Got any grapes?”
A guy walks into a bar with an octopus under his arm. He sets the octopus on a stool next to him and announces: ”This is an amazing octopus. I’ll bet anyone in this bar that this octopus can play any instrument set in front of it.”
Now none of the people could believe this, so one guy brought up a guitar. The octopus took hold of the guitar and started wailing way, better than Jimi Hendrix. The man took $50 from the guitarist.
Next someone brings up a trumpet. The octopus started playing the trumpet, better than Dizzy Gillespie. The man won another $50 from the trumpeter.
Then some guy brought up some bagpipes. The octopus picked up the bagpipes for a minute and, looking a little puzzled, set them down again.
”What? Can’t you play it?” asked the man. ”Play it?” said the octopus, ”I’m gonna screw it as soon as I figure out how to get its pajamas off.”
A lady goes into a bar with her goose. Then the bartender comes up to her and
says, ”Why did you have to bring the pig in with you?” Then the lady answered,
”Excuse me, I think this is a goose.” And the bartender says, ”Excuse me, I
was talking to the goose.”