There was a man that owned a giant gorilla and, all its life, he’d never left it on its own. But eventually he had to go on a business trip and had to leave his gorilla in the care of his next-door neighbor. So he explained to his neighbor that all he had to do was feed his gorilla three bananas a day at three, six and nine o’clock.
But he was never ever, ever to touch its fur.
So the next day the man came and gave the gorilla a banana and looked at it for a while thinking, ”Why can’t I touch its fur?” as their didnt seem to be anything wrong with it.
Every day he came in and looked for a little while longer as he still couldnt understand until, about a week later, he’d worked himself into a frenzy and decided that he was going to touch the gorilla.
He passed it the banana and very gently brushed the back of his hand against its fur.
Suddenly the gorilla went ape and started to jump around, then it turned and began to running towards the man who, in turn, ran through the front door, over the lawn, across the street, into some one else’s sports car and drove off.
In the rear-view mirror, he could see the gorilla in its own sports car, driving right behing him.
He drove for two hours until the engine began to splutter and the car just stopped. He jumped out and began to run down the street, over a brick wall, into someone’s front garden and up the apple tree.
He turned around to find the gorilla right behind him beating its chest.
The man jumped down and ran back in to the street screaming, until it became dark and he thought he’d lost the gorilla.
The man ran into an alleyway then, suddenly, he saw a giant shaddow coming down the street ahead.
It came to the end of the alley, stood and looked striaght into the bloodshoot eyes of the man and came towards him slowly.
This time there was no escape. As the gorilla neared him, the man began to feel faint.
The giant beast came face to face with him, raised its mighty hand and said, ”Tag! You’re it!”
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blonde lady comes in and wants to bet $10, 000 on a single roll of the dice. And she adds, ”I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I m completely nude.”
With that she takes off everything but her necklace and rolls the dice while yelling, ”Mama needs new clothes.” Then she yells, ”YES, YES, YES!! I WON, I WON, I WON.”
She begins jumping up and down and hugging both of the dealers. Then she picks up her money and her clothes and quickly leaves. The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally one of them asks, ”What did she roll, anyway?”
The other answers, ”I don’t know. I thought YOU were watching.”
A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun.
The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head.
The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.
Hysterically the blonde screams back at the husband, ”Shut up! You’re next!”
A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.
”How did this happen?” the emergency room doctor asked her.
Well, I was trying to commit suicide, the blonde replied.
”What?” sputtered the doctor. ”You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?”
”No, Silly!” the blonde said. ”First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $6, 000. 00 for these breast implants, I’m not shooting myself in the chest.”
”And then?” asked the doctor.
”Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3000. 00 to get my teeth straightened, I’m not shooting myself in the mouth.”
”Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger.”
A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. ”I would like to buy this TV,” she told the salesman. ”Sorry, we don’t sell to blondes,” he replied.
She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman ”I would like to buy this TV.” ”Sorry, we don’t sell to blondes,” he replied.
”Darn, he recognized me,” she thought.
She went for a complete disguise this time, haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman. ”I would like to buy this TV.”
Sorry, we don’t sell to blondes,” he replied.
Frustrated, she exclaimed ”How do you know I’m a blonde?” ”Because that’s a microwave,” he replied.