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Funny money jokes


One of life’s disappointments is discovering that the man who writes the bank’s loan ads is not the one who makes the bank loans.

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Joke #12033 posted in the category: Funny money jokes.

A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. ”Oh no I don’t, I’ve been to China many times and never had to have one of those.” I double checked, and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, ”Look, I’ve been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express.”

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Joke #12302 posted in the category: Funny money jokes.

An American consultant was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellowfin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them.

The Mexican replied, ”Only a little while.”

The American then asked, ”Why don’t you stay out longer and catch more fish?

The Mexican said, ”Well, I catch enough to feed my family.”

The American then asked, ”But what do you do with the rest of your time?”

The Mexican fisherman said, ”I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos, I have a full and busy life, senor.”

The American scoffed, ”I am a Harvard graduate and could help you with a new Business Plan. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat with the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually NYC where you will run your expanding enterprise.”

The Mexican fisherman asked, ”But senor, how long will this all take?”

To which the American replied, ”15-20 years to realise the business plan.”

”But what then, senor?”

The American laughed and said, ”That’s the best part. When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions.”

”Millions, senor? Then what?”

The American said, ”Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos.”

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Joke #12315 posted in the category: Funny money jokes.

The banker fell overboard from a friend’s sailboat. The friend grabbed a life preserver, held it up, not knowing if the banker could swim, and shouted, ”Can you float alone?” ”Obviously,” the banker replied, ”but this is a heck of a time to talk business.”

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Joke #12490 posted in the category: Funny money jokes.

On my way home from the second job I’ve taken for the extra holiday cash I need, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite to eat. In my wallet is a $50 bill and a $2 bill. That is all of the cash I have on my person. I figure that with a $2 bill, I can get something to eat and not have to worry about people getting upset with me. ME: ”Hi, I’d like one seven layer burrito please, to go.” IT: ”Is that it?” ME: ”Yep.” IT: ”That`ll be $1. 04, eat here?” ME: ”No, it’s *to* *go*.” [I hate effort duplication. ]At his point I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill. He looks at it kind of funny and says: IT: ”Uh, hang on a sec, I’ll be right back.” He goes to talk to his manager, who is still within earshot. The following conversation occurs between the two of them. IT: ”Hey, you ever see a $2 bill?” MG: ”No. A what?” IT: ”A $2 bill. This guy just gave it to me.” MG: ”Ask for something else, THERE’S NO SUCH THING AS A $2 BILL.” IT: ”Yeah, thought so.” He comes back to me and saysIT: ”We don’t take these. Do you have anything else?” ME: ”Just this fifty. You don’t take $2 bills? Why?” IT: ”I don’t know.” ME: ”See here where it says legal tender?” IT: ”Yeah.” ME: ”So, shouldn’t you take it?” IT: ”Well, hang on a sec.” He goes back to his manager who is watching me like I’m going to shoplift, and... IT: ”He says I have to take it.” MG: ”Doesn’t he have anything else?” IT: ”Yeah, a fifty. I’ll get it and you can open the safe and get change.” MG: ”I’M NOT OPENING THE SAFE WITH HIM IN HERE.” IT: ”What should I do?” MG: ”Tell him to come back later when he has REAL money.” IT: ”I can’t tell him that, you tell him.” MG: ”Just tell him.” IT: ”No way, this is weird, I’m going in back.” The manager approaches me and saysMG: ”Sorry, we don’t take big bills this time of night.” [it was 8pm and this particular Taco Bell is in a well lighted indoor mall with 100 other stores. ]ME: ”Well, here’s a two.” MG: ”We don’t take ’those` either.” ME: ”Why not?” MG: ”I think you `know` why.” ME: ”No really, tell me, why?” MG: ”Please leave before I call mall security.” ME: ”Excuse me?” MG: ”Please leave before I call mall security.” ME: ”What the heck for?” MG: ”Please, sir.” ME: ”Uh, go ahead, call them.” MG: ”Would you please just leave?” ME: ”No.” MG: ”Fine, have it your way then.” ME: ”No, that’s Burger King, isn’t it?” At this point he BACKS away from me and calls mall security on the phone around the corner. I have two people STARING at me from the dining area, and I begin laughing out loud, just for effect. A few minutes later this 45 year oldish guy comes in and says [at the other end of counter, in a whisper]SG: ”Yeah, Mike, what’s up?” MG: ”This guy is trying to give me some [pause] funny money.” SG: ”Really? What?” MG: ”Get this, a ’two` dollar bill.” SG: ”Why would a guy fake a $2 bill?” [incredulous]MG: ”I don’t know? He’s kinda weird. Says the only other thing he has is a fifty.” SG: ”So, the fifty’s fake?” MG: ”NO, the $2 is.” SG: ”Why would he fake a $2 bill?” MG: ”I don’t know. Can you talk to him, and get him out of here?” SG: ”Yeah...” Security guard walks over to me and says... SG: ”Mike here tells me you have some fake bills you`re trying to use.” ME: ”Uh, no.” SG: ”Lemme see `em.” ME: ”Why?” SG: ”Do you want me to get the cops in here?” At this point I was ready to say, ”SURE, PLEASE,” but I wanted to eat, so I saidME: ”I’m just trying to buy a burrito and pay for it with this $2 bill.” I put the bill up near his face, and he flinches like I was taking a swing at him. He takes the bill, turns it over a few times in his hands, and says: SG: ”Mike, what’s wrong with this bill?” MG: ”It’s fake.” SG: ”It doesn’t look fake to me.” MG: ”But it’s a **$2** bill.” SG: ”Yeah?” MG: ”Well, there’s no such thing, is there?” The security guard and I both looked at him like he was an idiot, and it dawned on the guy that he had no clue. My burrito was free and he threw in a small drink and those cinnamon things, too. It makes me want to get a whole stack of $2 bills just to see what happens when I try to buy stuff.

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Joke #12573 posted in the category: Funny money jokes.

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