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The Office of Institutional Computing has defined a lower cost alternative for Desktop conversions that also addresses the Year 2000 issue: The goal is to remove all computers from the desktop by Jan, 1999.

Instead, everyone will be provided with an Etch-A-Sketch. There are many sound reasons for doing this: Y2K problems No technical glitches, keeping work from being done. No more wasted time reading and writing emails. Substantial hardware cost savings.

Frequently Asked Questions from the Etch-A-Sketch Help Desk:

My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen. What do I do?

Pick it up and shake it

How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?

Pick it up and shake it

What’s the short cut for Undo?

Pick it up and shake it

How do I create a New Document window?

Pick it up and shake it

How do I set the background and foreground to the same colour?

Pick it up and shake it

What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?

Pick it up and shake it

How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?

Pick it up and shake it

How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?

Don’t shake it.

--2+

Joke #17463 posted in the category: Goal jokes.

(CIM) The Netherlands: Doctor Huizenaas of the Rotterdam Animal Research Institute has successfully trained a catnotto eat food. His research followed an unsuccessful attempt by Professor Egon Spuunrais to achieve this same goal.

P

191

rof Spuunrais’ failed experiment was based on the use of positive reinforcement. The cat was shown food, and if it refused to eat it, the animal was rewarded by a tasty tidbit. His conclusions were widely ridiculed, predominantly for the absence of a control.

Dr Huizenaas formulated a more rigorous test based on negative reinforcement, and including a control animal which did not receive the

ea1

punishment.

In the Huizenaas experiment, whenever the test animal accepted food it was struck on the head by a small steel mallet. At first, the cat’s behaviour was unaffected by this, but after some adjustments to the force of the blow, it was observed that the cat became progressively less interested in the food and indeed was often seen to shake its head vigorously on being struck.

By this stage the association between eating the food and being hit on the head had obviously been made: the cat was refusing the food, but only briefly. After lurching in circles for a few mintues, the cat would return to the bowl.

However, after several more trials, the cat was conditioned to the point where it has subsequently shown no interest whatsoever in food, or anything else for that matter.

The experiment was concluded four weeks ago, and in the time since, the cat has not eaten once. Or moved. The appetite of the control cat, on the other hand, hasincreasedto the point where it is eating the food put out for both animals.

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Joke #24582 posted in the category: Goal jokes.

THINGY (thing-ee) n.

Female: Any part under a car’s hood.

Male: The strap fastener on a woman’s bra.

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.

Female: Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another.

Male: Playing football without a helmet.

COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.

Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner.

Male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.

BUTT (but) n.

Female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes ”look bigger.”

Male: What you slap when someone’s scored a touchdown, homerun, or goal. Also good for mooning.

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.

Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.

Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one’s girlfriend.

ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.

Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.

Male: Anything that can be done while drinking.

FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.

Female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.

Male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.

MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.

Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.

Male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.

REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.

Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.

Male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every three minutes.

-63+

Joke #43249 posted in the category: Goal jokes.

These are taken from resumes and cover letters that were printed in the July 21, 1997 issue of Fortune Magazine. The spelling and syntax are, in each case, exactly the way they appeared in the magazine.

1. ’I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.’

2. ’I have lurnt Word Perfect 6. 0 computor and spreadsheet progroms.’

3. ’Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.’

4. ’Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.’

5. ’Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.’

6. ’Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.’

7. ’It’s best for employers that I not work with people.’

8. ’Let’s meet, so you can ’ooh’ and ’aah’ over my experience.’

9. ’You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.’

10. ’Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.’

11. ’I was working for my mom until she decided to move.’

12.’ Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments.’

13. ’I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.’

14. ’I am loyal to my employer at all costs... Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail.’

15. ’I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing.’

16. ’My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meterology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.’

17. ’I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.’

18. ’As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments.’

20. ’Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.’

21. ’Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.’

22. ’Note: Please don’t miscontrue my 14 jobs as ’job-hopping’. I have never quit a job.’

23. ’Marital status: often. Children: various.’

24. ’Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8: 45 a. m. every morning. Could not work under those conditions.’

25. ’The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.’

26. ’Finished eighth in my class of ten.’

27. ’References: None. I’ve left a path of destruction behind me.’

-1+

Joke #67300 posted in the category: Goal jokes.

Excerpts taken from real resumes and cover letters, printed in the July 21st 1997 edition of Fortune Magazine.

’I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience’

’I have lurnt Word Perfect 6. 0 and spreadsheet progroms’

’Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year’

’Reason for leaving last job was maturity leave’

’Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions’

’Failed bar exam with relatively high grades’

’It’s best for employers that I not work with people’

’Let’s meet, so you can ’ooh’ and ’aah’ over my experience’

’You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time’

’Am a perfectionist and rarely if ever forget details’

’I was working for mom until she decided to move’

’Marital status: single, unmarried, unengaged, uninvolved. No commitments.’

’I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse’

’I am loyal to my employer at all costs*please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voicemail’

’I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing’

’My goal is to become a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meterology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage’

’I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant’

’Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far’

’As indicted, I have over five years analysing investments’

’Instrumental in ruining entire operation for Midwest chain store’

’Note: Please do not misconstrue my 14 jobs as job hopping. I have never quit a job’

’Marital status: often. Children: various’

’Reasons for leaving lost job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8. 45am every morning. I could not work under those conditions’

’The company made me scapegoat, just like my three previous employers’

’Finished eighth in my class of ten’

’References: none. I have left a trail of destruction behind me’

-0+

Joke #67301 posted in the category: Goal jokes.

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