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A wealthy playboy met a beautiful young girl in an exclusive lounge. He took her to his lavish apartment where he soon discovered she was not a tramp, but was well groomed and apparently very intelligent. Hoping to get her into bed; he began showing her his collection of expensive paintings, first editions by famous authors and offered her a glass of wine.

He asked whether she preferred Port or Sherry and she said, ”Oh, Sherry by all means. To me it’s the nectar of the gods. Just looking at it in a crystal-clear decanter fills me with a glorious sense of anticipation. When the stopper is removed and the gorgeous liquid is poured into my glass, I inhale the enchanting aroma and I’m lifted on the wings of ecstasy. It seems as though I’m about to drink a magic potion and my whole being begins to glow. The sound of a thousand violins being softly played fills my ears and I’m transported into another world. On the other hand, Port makes me fart.”

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Joke #8181 posted in the category: God jokes.

The master programmer moves from program to program without fear. No change in management can harm him. He will not be fired, even if the project is canceled. Why is this? He is filled with the Tao.

A novice asked the master, ’I perceive that one computer company is much larger than all others. It towers above its competition like a giant among dwarfs. Any one of its divisions could comprise an entire business. Why is this so?’

The master replied, ’Why do you ask such foolish questions? That company is large because it is so large. If it only made hardware, nobody would buy it. If it only maintained systems, people would treat it as a servant. But because it combines all these things, people think it one of the gods! By not seeking to strive, it conquers without effort.’

A master programmer passed a novice programmer one day. The master noted the novice’s preoccupation with a hand-held computer game. ’Excuse me,’ he said, ’may I examine it?’

The novice bolted to attention and handed the device to the master. ’I see that the device claims to have three levels of play: Easy, Medium, and Hard,’ said the master. ’Yet every such device has another level of play, where the device seeks not to conquer the human, nor to be conquered by the human.’

’Pray, great master,’ implored the novice, ’how does one find this mysterious setting?’

The master dropped the device to the ground and crushed it under foot. And suddenly the novice was enlightened.

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Joke #18933 posted in the category: God jokes.

On the television show ”The Simpsons” Bart can occasionally be seen writing on the blackboard as punishment, a sentence hundreds of times. The sentences change all the time. Since Bart is a rather naughty ten year old boy (sort of like Johnny in the Little Johnny Jokes), the sentences take on a life of their own.

Simpson’s Chalk Board Writings

I will not carve gods.

I will not spank others.

I will not aim for the head.

I will not barf unless I’m sick.

I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty.

I saw nothing unusual in the teachers lounge.

I will not conduct my own fire drills.

Five days is not too long to wait for a gun.

Funny noises are not funny.

I will not snap bras.

I will not fake seizures.

This punishment is not boring and pointless.

My name is not Dr.

Death.

I will not defame New Orleans.

I will not prescribe medication.

I will not bury the new kid.

I will not bring sheep to class.

A burp is not an answer.

Teacher is not a leper.

Coffee is not for kids.

I will not eat things for money.

I will not yell ”she’s dead” at roll call.

The principals toupee is not a frisbee.

I will not call the principal ”spud head”.

Goldfish don’t bounce.

Mud is not one of the four foodgroups.

No one is interested in my underpants.

I will not sell miracle cures.

I will return the seeing eye dog.

I do not have diplomatic immunity.

I will not charge admission to the bathroom.

The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy.

All work and no play makes bart a dull boy.

I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers.

My homework was not stolen by the one armed man.

I will not go near the kindergarten turtle.

I am not deliciously saucy.

Organ transplants are best left to professionals.

The pledge of allegiance does not end with ”Hail Satan”.

I will not celebrate meaningless milestones.

There are plenty of businesses like show business.

I will not waste chalk.

I will never win an Emmy.

I will not torment the emotionally frail.

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Joke #28571 posted in the category: God jokes.

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: ”Take only ONE. God is watching.” Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, ”Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

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Joke #31768 posted in the category: God jokes.

With apologies to Mr Poe

As I kneel, head bowed, puking,

as I choke and snort my sputum

croaking, coughing, retching, groaning,

on the bathroom floor,

I think, though brain is dizzy,

things I’ve never thought before

Things I’ve missed, though often spewing,

or somehow managed to ignore

While I lie bedraggled,

on the stinking cold hard floor.

Now with head a-throbbing,

o’er the great white bowl I’m bobbing,

Bobbing, throbbing, weaving, chucking,

surely there can be no more?

No more vomit I lay praying,

Jesus! save me now, and seal my maw

And send a team of maidens

to mop this stinking cold hard floor

And if you do, I promise,

on my honour, Nevermore!

But lo! my gut’s ill-fated,

and my heaves are unabated,

And now my thoughts turn back

to whence they were before,

As I’m squirming, smacking, flopping,

like a spastic being ignored.

And no maidens do I hear,

not one wet-wipe does appear,

Nought but dread convulsions

on the stinking cold hard floor.

Tis curious, I wonder,

as I purge more sauce-filled chunder,

How the saucy slick of chunder,

appears, oh what a wonder!

As a likeness of myself

such as I’ve never seen before

As a likeness of myself,

writhing on the cold hard floor

And the likeness set me thinking,

how my doping, not my drinking,

could result in such a stinking,

stinking on the cold hard floor.

And two things I did conclude,

”Thank you, torrid interlude!”

And thank you Gods, all praise to you,

for there’s truth in floating spew.

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Joke #31959 posted in the category: God jokes.

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