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Since the world situation is making us all think about how governments, religions and business effect us, this simplified explanation might help us under stand better.

THE ”TWO-COW EXPLANATION” OF WHAT MAKES...

A CHRISTIAN:

You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.

A SOCIALIST:

You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.

A REPUBLICAN:

You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?

A DEMOCRAT:

You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.

A COMMUNIST:

You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk.

A FASCIST:

You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE:

You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE:

You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE:

You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION:

You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION:

You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION:

You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.

A GERMAN CORPORATION:

You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:

You have two cows but you don’t know where they are. You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:

You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A MEXICAN CORPORATION:

You think you have two cows, but you don’t know what a cow looks like. You take a nap.

A SWISS CORPORATION:

You have 5000 cows, none of which belongs to you. You charge for storing them for others.

A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION:

You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION:

You have two cows. You worship them.

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Joke #351 posted in the category: Government jokes.

FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in

a barn with everyone else’s cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The

government gives you as much milk they think you need.

BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts

them in a barn with everyone else’s cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken

farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the

chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs the regulations

say you should need.

FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care

of them, and sells you the milk.

PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbours help you take care of them,

and you all share the milk.

RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the

government takes all the milk.

CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots

you.

DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to

tell you who gets the milk.

BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can

feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it

takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then

it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

PURE ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or

your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.

ANARCHO-CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

-2+

Joke #1945 posted in the category: Government jokes.

Once upon a time, on a farm in Arkansas...

... there was a little red hen who scratched about the barnyard until she

uncovered quite a few grains of wheat. She called all of her neighbors together

and said, ”If we plant this wheat, we shall have bread to eat. Who will help me

plant it?”

”Not I,” said the cow.

”Not I,” said the duck.

”Not I,” said the pig.

”Not I,” said the goose.

”Then I will do it by myself,” said the little red hen. And so she did; The

wheat grew very tall and ripened into golden grain. ”Who will help me reap my

wheat?” asked the little red hen.

”Not I,” said the duck.

”Out of my classification,” said the pig.

”I’d lose my seniority,” said the cow.

”I’d lose my unemployment compensation,” said the goose.

”Then I will do it by myself,” said the little red hen, and so she did. At

last it came time to bake the bread. ”Who will help me bake the bread?” asked

the little red hen.

”That would be overtime for me,” said the cow.

”I’d lose my welfare benefits,” said the duck.

”I’m a dropout and never learned how,” said the pig.

”If I’m to be the only helper, that’s discrimination,” said the goose.

”Then I will do it by myself,” said the little red hen.

She baked five loaves and held them up for all of her neighbors to see. They

wanted some and, in fact, demanded a share. But the little red hen said, ”No,

I shall eat all five loaves.”

”Excess profits!” cried the cow.

”Capitalist leech!” screamed the duck.

”I demand equal rights!” yelled the goose.

The pig just grunted in disdain.

And they all painted ”Unfair!” picket signs and marched around and around the

little red hen, shouting obscenities. When the government agent came, he said to

the little red hen, ”You must not be so greedy.”

”But I earned the bread,” said the little red hen.

”Exactly,” said the agent. ”That is what makes our free enterprise system so

wonderful. Anyone in the barnyard can earn as much as he wants. But under our

modern government regulations, the productive workers must divide the fruits of

their labor with those who are lazy and idle.”

And they all lived happily ever after, including the little red hen, who

smiled and clucked, ”I am grateful, for now I truly understand.” But her

neighbors became quite disappointed in her, for she never again baked any more

bread.

-0+

Joke #2154 posted in the category: Government jokes.

A woman got on a bus holding a baby.

The

bus driver said: ”That’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen.”

In

a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an

aisle seat near the rear of the bus.

The man seated next to her

sensed that she was agitated and asked her

what was

wrong.

”The bus driver insulted me,” she fumed.

The man sympathized and

said: ”Why, he’s a public servant and

shouldn’t say things to

insult passengers.”

”You’re right,” she said. ”I think I’ll go back

up there and give

him a piece of my mind.”

”That’s a good

idea,” the man said. ”Here, let me hold your

monkey.”

-102+

Joke #5415 posted in the category: Government jokes.

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc. ) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, ”I’d like to try the bet.”

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender payed the $1000, and asked the little man, ”what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?”

The man replied, ”I work for the IRS.”

-9+

Joke #7229 posted in the category: Government jokes.

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