Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
Your orgasms are real. Always.
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
You don’t have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
Foreplay is optional.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You don’t give a rat’s ass if someone notices your new haircut.
The world is your urinal.
Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
You never have to drive to another gas station because this one’s just too icky.
Same work.. more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
You don’t have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100. ’Nuff said..
If you retain water, it’s in a canteen.
People never glance at your chest when you’re talking to them.
Princess Di’s death was just another obituary.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don’t cut, blister, or irreparably mangle your feet.
Porn movies are designed with you in mind.
Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: ”So, notice anything different?”
Great Reasons To Be A Guy... Phone Conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. Dry cleaners and hair cutters don’t rob you blind. You can go to the bathroom without a support group. You can leave the motel bed unmade. You can kill your own food. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. Wedding plans take care of themselves. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices. Everything on your face stays its original color. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger’s seat. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You don’t have to clean if the meter reader is coming. Car mechanics tell you the truth. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking: ”He must be mad at me.” Gray hair and wrinkles only add character. Wedding dress - $2, 000. Tuxedo rental - 75 bucks. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends. Your pals will never trap you with: ”So, notice anything different?” You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors. You know which way to turn a nut on a bolt. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You don’t have to shave below your neck. Gas (at either end) is cool. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.-0+
Because I’m a guy, I must hold the television remote control in
my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I’ll
miss a whole show looking for it, though one time I was able to
survive by holding a calculator.
Because I’m a guy, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle
with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we
call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in. Oh,
and when the car isn’t running very well, I will pop the hood
and stare at the engine as if I know what I’m looking at. If
another guy shows up, one of us will say to the other, ”I used
to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers
and everything, I wouldn’t know where to start.” We will then
Because I’m a guy, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring
me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You
never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn’t an issue.
Because I’m a guy, I can be relied upon to purchase basic
groceries at the store, like milk, or bread. I cannot be
expected to find exotic items like ”Cumin” or ”Tofu.” For all I
know these are the same thing. And never, under any
circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which ”feminine
hygiene product” is a euphemism.
Because I’m a guy, when one of our appliances stops working I
will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will
just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and
has to put it back together.
Because I’m a guy, I don’t think we’re all that lost, and no, I
don’t think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen
to a complete stranger--how the heck could HE know where we’re
Because I’m a guy, there is no need to ask me what I’m thinking
about. The answer is always either sex or football, though I
have to make up something else when you ask, so don’t.
Because I’m a guy, I do not want to visit your mother, or have
your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or
think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her
for mother’s day is ok, I don’t need to see it. Did you remember
to pick up something for my mom, too?
Because I’m a guy, I am capable of announcing, ”one more beer
and I really have to go,” and mean it every single time I say
it, even when it gets to the point that the one bar closes and
my buddies and I have to go hunt down another. I will find it
increasingly hilarious to have my pals call you to tell you I’ll
be home soon, and no, I don’t understand why you threw all my
clothes into the front yard. What’s the connection?
Because I’m a guy, you don’t have to ask me if I liked the
movie. Chances are, if you’re crying at the end of it, I didn’t.
Because I’m a guy, yes, I have to turn up the radio when Bruce
Springsteen or The Doors comes on, and then, yes, I have to tell
you every single time about how Bruce had his picture on the
cover of Time and Newsweek the same day, or how Jim Morrison is
buried in Paris and everyone visits his grave. Please do not
behave as if you do not find this fascinating.
Because I’m a guy, I think what you’re wearing is fine. I
thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too.
Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks
fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
Because I’m a guy and this is, after all, the 90’s, I will share
equally in the housework. You do the laundry, the cooking, the
cleaning, and the dishes, and I’ll do the rest.