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Hamster jokes


Where do hamsters come from?

Hamsterdam!

-10+

Joke #4865 posted in the category: Hamster jokes.

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was something wrong with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room.

”He’s just lying there looking sick,” he told me, ”I’m serious, Dad. Can you help?”

I put my best hamster-healer look on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. (Call my wife. )

”Honey,” I called, ”come look at the hamster!”

”Oh, my gosh,” my wife diagnosed after a minute.

”She’s having babies.”

”What?” My son demanded.

”But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!”

I was equally outraged.

”Hey, how can that be?! I thought we said we didn’t want them to reproduce!” I accused my wife.

”Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?!” She inquired. (I actually think she had the gall to say this sarcastically. )

”No, but you were supposed to get two boys!” I reminded her (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).

”Yeah, Bert and Ernie!” My son agreed.

”Well, it’s just a little hard to tell on some guys, ya know,” she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, ya think? )

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

”Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,” I announced. ”We’re about to witness the miracle of birth.”

”OH, Gross!” They shrieked.

”Well, isn’t THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little hamster babies?” My wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. Don’t you? )

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

”We don’t appear to be making much progress,” I noted.

”It’s breech,” my wife whispered, horrified.

”Do something, Dad!” My son urged.

”Okay, okay.” Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

”Should I call 911?” My eldest daughter wanted to know,”

Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.” (You see a pattern here with the females in my house? )

”Let’s get Ernie to the vet,” I said grimly.

We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

”Breathe, Ernie, breathe,” he urged.

”I don’t think hamsters do Lamaze,” his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to ME is one thing, but this boy is of her womb. )

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

”What do you think, Doc, a c-section?” I suggested scientifically. My son appeared impressed by my observation.

”Oh, very interesting,” he murmured.

”Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?” I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

”Is Ernie going to be okay?” My wife asked.

”Oh, perfectly,” the vet assured us.

”This hamster is not in labor. In fact, that isn’t EVER going to happen Ernie is a boy.”

”What?”

”You see, Ernie is a young male AND occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um.... er... masturbate, just the way he did, lying on his back.”

He blushed, glancing at my wife. ”Well, you know what I’m saying, Mr. Cameron.”

We were silent, absorbing this.

”So Ernie’s just... just... excited?” ! My wife offered.

”Exactly,” the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And laugh. And then even laugh loudly!

”What’s so funny?” I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness. Tears were now running down her face.

”It’s just... that... I’m picturing you pulling on its... its teeny little...” she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

”That’s enough,” I warned.

We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hamsters and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

”I know Ernie’s really thankful for what you’ve done, Dad,” he told me.

”Oh, you have NO idea,” my wife agreed, once again collapsing into laughter.

Enough said.

--4+

Joke #4866 posted in the category: Hamster jokes.

What’s gray and furry on the inside and white on the outside?

A hamster sandwich!

What is white and brown and eats hamster food?

My hamster!

When does a hamster take a bath?

When no one’s looking!

What is small, furry and smells like bacon?

A hamster!

What’s gray and furry on the inside and white on the outside?

A hamster sandwich!

When does a hamster take a bath?

When no one’s looking!

--4+

Joke #4867 posted in the category: Hamster jokes.

What did the mother hamster say to her children when they wanted a bedtime story?

I don’t have a tale!

What kind of a dam does a hamster build?

A Hamster dam!

Where do hamsters come from?

Hamsterdam

What do you call a hamster that can pick up an elephant?

Sir!

What is small, furry and smells like bacon?

A hamster!

--3+

Joke #4868 posted in the category: Hamster jokes.

A shady looking man walks into a bar and orders a drink.

The bartender says, ”No way, pal. I don’t think you can pay for it.”

”You’re right,” the guy says. ”I don’t have any money, but if I show you something you haven’t seen before, will you give me a drink?”

”You have a deal, my friend,” says the bartender.

The guy reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down the side of the bar, across the room, up the piano, onto the keyboard and starts playing classical music. The hamster can really play...

”You’re right... I’ve never seen anything like that before,” says the bartender. ”That hamster is really gifted.”

The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another.

”Will that be cash or another miracle, pal?” asks the bartender.

”Watch this,” replies the guy.

Again, he reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog onto the bar, and the frog starts to sing. The frog has a marvelous voice and great pitch. A fine singer.

A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him £500 for the frog.

”It’s a deal,” says the guy. He takes the money and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar.

”Are you some kind of nut?” asks the bartender. ”You sold a singing frog for £500? It could have been worth millions. You must be crazy.”

”Not so,” says the guy. ”The hamster is a ventriloquist.”

-3+

Joke #4869 posted in the category: Hamster jokes.

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