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The Feline DietMost diets fail because we are still thinking and eating like people. For those us who have never had any success dieting. Well now there is the new Miracle Cat Diet! This diet will also work on humans! Except for cats that eat like people -- such as getting lots of table scraps -- most cats are long and lean (or tiny and petite). the Cat Miracle Diet will help you achieve the same lean, svelte figure. Just follow this diet for one week and you`ll find that you not only look and feel better, but you will have a whole new outlook on what constitutes food. Good Luck! DAY ONEBreakfast: Open can of expensive gourmet cat food. Any flavor as long as it cost more the. 75 per can -- and place 1/4 cup on your plate. Eat 1 bite of food; look around room disdainfully. Knock the rest on the floor. Stare at the wall for awhile before stalking off into the other room. Lunch: Four blades of grass and one lizard tail. Throw it back up on the cleanest carpet in your house. Dinner: Catch a moth and play with it until it is almost dead. Eat one wing. Leave the rest to die. Bedtime snack: Steal one green bean from your spouse’s or partner’s plate. Bat it around the floor until it goes under the refrigerator. Steal one small piece of chicken and eat half of it. Leave the other half on the sofa. Throw out the remaining gourmet cat food from the can you opened this morning. DAY TWOBreakfast: Picking up the remaining chicken bite from the sofa. Knock it onto the carpet and bat it under the television set. Chew on the corner of the newspaper as your spouse/partner tries to read it. Lunch: Break into the fresh French bread that you bought as your part of the dinner party on Saturday. Lick the top of it all over. Take one bite out of the middle of the loaf. Afternoon snack: Catch a large beetle and bring it into the house. Play toss and catch with it until it is mushy and half dead. Allow it to escape under the bed. Dinner: Open a fresh can of dark-colored gourmet cat food -- tuna or beef works well. Eat it voraciously. Walk from your kitchen to the edge of the living room rug. Promptly throw up on the rug. Step into it as you leave. Track footprints across the entire room. DAY THREEBreakfast: Drink part of the milk from your spouse’s or partner’s cereal bowl when no one is looking. Splatter part of it on the closest polished aluminum appliance you can find. Lunch: Catch a small bird and bring it into the house. Play with on top of your down filled comforter. Make sure the bird is seriously injured but not dead before you abandon it for someone else to have to deal with. Dinner: Beg and cry until you are given some ice cream or milk in a bowl of your own. Take three licks/laps and then turn the bowl over on the floor. FINAL DAYBreakfast: Eat 6 bugs, any type, being sure to leave a collection of legs, wings, antennae on the bathroom floor. Drink lots of water. Throw the bugs and all of the water up on your spouse’s or partner’s pillow. Lunch: Remove the chicken skin from last night’s chicken-to-go leftovers your spouse or partner placed in the trash can. Drag the skin across the floor several times. Chew it in a corner and then abandon. Dinner: Open another can of expensive gourmet cat food. Select a flavor that is especially runny, like Chicken and Giblets in Gravy. Lick off all the gravy and leave the actual meat to dry and get hard.

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Joke #3125 posted in the category: Health jokes.

The Pope, an HMO CEO and a student nurse are

flying on an airplane. The captain comes back and says

that he has some bad news and some really bad news.

on a parachute and jumps out he says that the really bad news

is that there are only 2 more parachutes.

The HMO CEO says “I am the smartest man in the world,

and the world of Health Care would be nothing without me! ”

With that he puts on a parachute and jumps out.

v

The Pope says “Well, my child, I would love to live,

but I believe that my time is up.

Please take the other parachute and save yourself. ”

The student nurse says “Not to worry sir.

Right now the smartest man in the world is trying to find the

rip-cord on my back pack! ”

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Joke #6709 posted in the category: Health jokes.

The Queen of England was visiting one of Canada’s top hospitals, and during

her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating. ”Oh my God”, said the Queen, ”that’s disgraceful, what is

the meaning of this?”

The Doctor leading the tour explains; ”I am sorry your ladyship, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen.

If he doesn’t do that 5 times a day, they’ll explode, and he would die instantly.”

”Oh, I am sorry”, said the Queen.

On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blow job. ”Oh my God”, said the Queen, ”What’s happening in there?”

The Doctor replied, ”Same problem, better health plan.”

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Joke #11409 posted in the category: Health jokes.

Hello! Welcome to the Mental Health Hotline!

If you are Obsessive-Compulsive, press 1 repeatedly, being certain to touch the table and counting to 10 between each press.

If you are Co-Dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have Multiple Personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are Paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are Delusional, press 7, and your call will be transferred to the Mother Ship.

If you are Schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are Manic-Depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press since no one will answer.

If you are Dyslexic, press 96969696969696.

If you have a Nervous Disorder, please fidget with the Pound Button until a representative comes on the line.

If you have Amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother’s and grandmother’s maiden names.

If you have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, slowly and carefully press 911.

If you have Bi-Polar Disorder, please leave a message after the beep. Or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep. If you have Short-Term Memory Loss, please try your call again later.

If you have Low Self Esteem, please hang up. All our representatives are too busy to help worthless people like you.

And thank you for calling the Mental Health Hotline!

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Joke #11533 posted in the category: Health jokes.

An elderly gentleman walks into a health club to inquire about

the exercise programs, club facilities, and perks of the

establishment. He walks up to the counter where he is greeted by

a Herculean body builder.

”I’d like some information about the club.”

”Well”, says the body builder, ”this is a great club. We have a

number of exercise and recreational areas for you to experience,

and the fees are $5, 000 per year.”

”$5, 000!!!!” the old man nearly passes out..

”We have a free trial period that you can take advantage of,”

says the body builder, ”but before you enter you’ll have to

remove your clothes, because this is a nudist club.”

The old man thinks about it for a moment, but figures, ”why not.”

The old man walks out to the pool area where he finds a lounge

chair. He sits back and looks at all the beautiful women, naked

women, all about him. The site begins to stimulate him and he

develops the largest erection he has had since he was a teenager.

Suddenly, a gorgeous blonde runs over to him and jumps on his

lap. She proceeds to do every imaginable sexual act with him.

An hour later the old man, sweating, breathing hard, staggers

into the lobby and slaps down the $5000.

”You know,” says the body builder, ”you have a week to make up

your mind about joining. Why are you paying now?”

The old man tells the story, ”This place is great. I haven’t had

an experience like this in years.”

Feeling good about himself, the old man walks back out to the

pool area and orders a cigar. Walking back to his lounge chair,

he drops the cigar.

While bending over to pick it up, he is suddenly tackled from

behind by a homosexual. ”Auuugh, Stop!! , Stop!!” , screams the

old man, but to no avail. Ten minutes later it’s over.

The old man staggers back to the lobby where he demands his

$5, 000 back from the body builder.

”But why? A few minutes ago you were all excited about the club.

What has changed your mind?”

After hearing the explanation from the old man, the body builder

begs the old man to reconsider. ”Think about the women you can

meet. ”Don’t let this one incident affect your decision.”

”Son”, says the old man, ”I get an erection maybe once a month,

but I drop my cigar at least three times a day!”

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Joke #11674 posted in the category: Health jokes.

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