This is an actual account by a worker at a technical support and service center. One particular customer had an old console-type machine with a print head that would ride back and forth on a spiral shaft. They also had a big bushy cat who liked to sit on the edge of the printer next to the operator.
Well, one day we got a service call that said, ”Cat caught in machine, come quick!”
When I arrived I saw everyone sitting around mending their various wounds, scratches and contusions. No sight of the cat. It appears that while they were running the machine the cat was twirling his tail in his usual fashion and stuck it down into the printer at the most inopportune time and got sucked in! Apparently, the cat absolutely freaked out and clawed at everyone who came close. They finally freed the cat, and to this day, the cat goes nowhere near the machine.
Techronia Technical Support Services
”The world of technology can be difficult for some.” - Press Release
We offer a range of quality services to satisfy any possible technical support requirement. Time and time again, companies rely on our services to fish their workers out of daily situations and problems. Most companies only give you the ”royal shaft” treatment, Techronia gives you the answers. We probe deep into the partially working minds of our clients and delve into their shallow waters to discover what they want from us. Whether it’s the fact that they are incapable of figuring out a device like the ”mouse” that 6. 7 million other people know how to use, or finding that ever elusive power switch for the monitor, we are here to help.
Lets look at just some of the service offerings available from Techronia at competitive industry rates...
Techronia Phone Support
When the statement ”Click Here” isn’t clear enough; when ”Press any key to continue...” doesn’t provide enough options; when ”Are you sure you wish to format non-removable device?” is just not informative enough, Techronia will be there. Tony Pallers explains, ”It was about 3: 45pm and we received a call from what we classify here as a Loser User... ”, stopping momentarily to reminisce he continues in the sound of the users voice, ”I have lost all my files! I go to drive ’A’ just like the book says, and the computer says there is nothing there!” Tony continues in his normal voice, ”I asked the user if he took the disk in drive A out. The user on the other end of the phone is silent for a few seconds and replies, ’yeah, why do you ask?’ To which I replied, ”BECAUSE YOUR FILES ARE ON THAT FUCKING DISK YOU PRICK!” Quick, accurate service makes Techronia, support firm chart topper for the past 5 years.
Techronia Priority Out Of Hours Wanker Service
”I remember one client calling... It was about 2am and he used our Priority Out of Hours Wanker Service... He called saying that his screen was blank, his mind was blank, and he needed to start writing a presentation due to management the next morning.” recalls technician Bob Goldbalm. ”We immediately provided a solution, by asking the user to plug the computer in, ”For the thing to work, just plug it in, moron!” . ”It’s moments like this, to hear the squeals of glee from this fucking moron that make me feel like I am doing my job.” says Bob shaking his head in disbelief.
Techronia Group Therapy
It doesn’t just end at simple phone support for our customers... Since things like, undeleteing files clients so recklessly deleted isn’t always possible, we offer stupidity consultations. We open up user groups to talk about where their stupidity originated. Heredity, social status, the fact that they received a pink slip 3 weeks ago but are still working for the company, are all group discussion topics that bring subjects into the open. Although most of the clients are irreparably moronic for the rest of their lives, we can look at ways of curving the impact of their truly stupid acts from effecting the remainder of the company.
Techronia Out of Hours On-Site
It was about 11: 30 on a Sunday morning, when I get a request to go onto a client site. When I arrive, a man flailing his arms comes up to me and states, ”I’m trying to print this document!... And the printer wont work! Why can’t you guys get this printing thing right?” the user said. I approached the printer, pointed to it, and said, ”Do you know what that blinking red light next to ’PAPER JAM’ means?” , to which there was the usual pause and, ”No?” Opening the printer I exclaimed, ”It means there is a fucking paper jam, as in open the printer, and take the fucking paper out, cunt.” Our on-site support not only resolves the immediate problem, but helps instruct the user on how to resolve the problem in future incidences, rather then resorting to their usual complete display of arrogance.
For further information on these and many other services, contact 1-800-DUM-USER
Tech: Internet Technical Support this is so-and-so speaking. May I have your username please?
Female Customer: Yes I want to speak to the person in charge immediately!
Tech: Speaking. What can I do for you?
Female Customer: I want to complain about the pornographic bookmarks your company put in my web browser!
Tech: We didn’t put any pornographic bookmarks in your web browser.
Female Customer: Oh yes you did! I’m looking at them right now!
(Tech remembers the Netscape history list and grins to himself)
Tech: Where exactly are these ”bookmarks” located?
Female Customer: In Netscape!
Tech: And where exactly in Netscape would that be?
Female: In that little list that comes down when you click the little down arrow!
Tech: The one right above the Net Search button?
Female Customer: Yes that one!
Tech: Miss, that’s the Netscape history list. Netscape keeps the past ten links you typed in that box. The only way to put an address in that box is for someone to physically sit at your computer and type in a web address.
Female Customer: Well I certainly didn’t type in those X rated web addresses!
Tech: Well somebody did. Who else has access to your computer, and uses the Internet?
Female Customer: Just me and my husband!
(Several seconds of silence pass... Hey! I wasn’t going to say it! )
Female Customer: ........ oh............. OOOH!... Thank you.
(She quickly hung up)
When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children’s art. We don’t have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.
Don’t write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.
When an I. T. person says he’s coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won’t be there when we need your password. It’s nothing for us to remember 700 screen saver passwords.
When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what’s keeping you from getting it. We don’t need to know that you can’t get into your mail because your computer won’t power on at all.
When I. T. support sends you an E-Mail with high importance, delete it at once. We’re just testing.
When an I. T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.
Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.
When the photocopier doesn’t work, call computer support. There’s electronics in it.
When you’re getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call computer support. We can fix your telephone line from here.
When you have a dozen old computer screens to get rid of, call computer support. We’re collectors.
When something’s wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I. T. person’s chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.
When an I. T. person tells you that computer screens don’t have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.
When an I. T. person tells you that he’ll be there shortly, reply in a cathing tone of voice: ”And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?” that motivates us.
When the printer won’t print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.
When the printer still won’t print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.
Don’t learn the proper name for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by ”My thingy blew up”.
Don’t use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps.
If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog, lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables were designed to have 20kg of computer sitting on top of them.
If the space bar on your keyboard doesn’t work, blame it on the mail upgrade. Keyboards are actually very happy with half a pound of muffin crumbs and nail clippings in them.
When you get a message saying ”Are you sure?” click on that Yes button as fast as you can. Hell, if you weren’t sure, you wouldn’t be doing it, would you?
When you find an I. T. person on the phone with his bank, sit uninvited on the corner of his desk and stare at him until he hangs up. We don’t have any money to speak of anyway.
Feel perfectly free to say things like ”I don’t know nothing about that computer crap”. We don’t mind at all hearing our area of professional expertise referred to as crap.
When you need to change the toner cartridge in a printer, call I. T. support. Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task, and Hewlett-Packard recommends that it be performed only by a professional engineer with a master’s degree in nuclear physics.
When something’s the matter with your computer, ask your secretary to call the help desk. We enjoy the challenge of having to deal with a third party who doesn’t know anything about the problem.
When you receive a 30mb (huge) movie file, send it to everyone as a mail attachment. We’ve got lots of disk space on that mail server.
Don’t even think of breaking large print jobs down into smaller chunks. Somebody else might get a chance to squeeze a memo into the queue.
When you lose your car keys, send an email to the entire company. People out in Pofadder like to keep abreast of what’s going on.
When you bump into an I. T. person at the grocery store on a Saturday, ask a computer question. We do weekends.
Don’t bother to tell us when you move computers around on your own. Computer names are just a cosmetic feature.
When you bring your own personal home PC for repair at the office, leave the documentation at home. We’ll find all the settings and drivers somewhere.