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Him and Her jokes


The Perfect Day - Her

8: 45 Wake up to hugs and kisses
9: 00 5 lbs lighter on the scale
9: 30 Light Breakfast
11: 00 Sunbathe
12: 30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
1: 45 Shopping
2: 30 Run into boyfriend’s/husband’s ex and notice she’s gained 30 lbs
3: 00 Facial, massage, nap
7: 30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing
10: 00 Make love
11: 30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms

The Perfect Day - Him

6: 45 Alarm.
7: 00 Shower and massage.
7: 30 Blowjob.
7: 45 Massive dump while reading USA Today sports section.
8: 15 Limo arrives, Stoli Bloody Marys.
8: 30 Butler Aviation, O’Hare Field, Lear Jet to Augusta, Georgia.
9: 30 Front nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.
11: 30 Lunch - 2 dozen oysters, 3 Heinekens.
12: 30 Blowjob.
12: 45 Back nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.
2: 30 Limo to Augusta Airport, Bombay Sapphire Martini.
3: 30 Nassau, Bahamas, Afternoon fishing with all female crew (topless). Sex for each fish caught. Catch 1249 lb. Blue Marlin. Grilled tuna and steamed lobster appetizers, six Heinekens, nap.
6: 15 Blowjob.
6: 30 Lear Jet return flight, total body massage in transit.
7: 30 Shit, shower, shave.
8: 00 Watch CNN Live coverage of Bill Clinton’s resignation. Hillary and Al Gore are indicted in the same scandal (which involves graphic pictures and large farm animals).
9: 00 Dinner at Ritz Carlton, Oysters Casino, 20 oz. Filet mignons (rare), Gorgonzola salad, Fettucini Alfredo, Chateau Lafite Rothschild 1963 (magnum) creme brute, Louis XII Cognac, Cohiba Lancero
10: 30 Sex with 3 women, all from different countries
11: 30 Whirlpool, steam and massage. Women quietly get dressed, hail cab and leave. Midnight Blowjob. Sleep

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Joke #46932 posted in the category: Him and Her jokes.

1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t want.

2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.

5. Married men live longer than single men - but married men are a lot more willing to die.

6. Any married man should forget his mistakes - there’s no use in two people remembering the same thing.

7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change & she does.

9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

10. There are 2 times when a man doesn’t understand a woman - before marriage & after marriage.

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Joke #67849 posted in the category: Him and Her jokes.

THE PERFECT DAY THE PERFECT DAY ACCORDING TO HER

8: 45 WAKE UP TO HUGS AND KISSES

9: 00 3 KILOS LIGHTER ON THE SCALES

9: 30 LIGHT BREAKFAST

11: 00 SUNBATHE

12: 30 LUNCH WITH BEST FRIEND AT OUTDOOR CAFE

1: 45 SHOPPING

2: 20 RUN INTO BOYFRIENDS/HUSBANDS EX NOTICE SHE HAS GAINED 20LBS

3: 00 FACIAL, MASSAGE, NAP

7: 30 CANDELIGHT DINNER FOR TWO AND DANCING

10: 00 MAKE LOVE

11: 30 PILLOW TALK IN HIS BIG STRONG ARMS

THE PERFECT DAY ACCORDING TO HIM

10: 00 WAKE UP

10: 02 ORAL SEX

10: 10 BIG COOKED BREAKFAST

11: 30 DRIVE UP THE COAST IN FERRARI WITH GORGEOUS BABE WITH BIG HOOTERS

2: 15 ENORMOUS LUNCH

3: 15 ORAL SEX WITH GORGEOUS BABE WITH BIG HOOTERS

3: 25 PLAY SPORTS WITH THE GUYS

4: 30 DRINK BEER WITH THE GUYS

6: 30 MEET ELLE MACPHERSON

6: 40 ORAL SEX WITH ELLE MACPHERSON

6: 50 HUGE DINNER, MORE BEER

8: 00 USE ALL COMPONENTS OF HOME ENTERTAINMENT SYSTEM MAKING SURE ALL THE REMOTES WORK

11: 00 FULL ON, GET DOWN, GORILLA SEX WITH EITHER ELLE MACPHERSON, GORGEOUS BABE WITH BIG HOOTERS OR BOTH

11: 10 SLEEP

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Joke #111471 posted in the category: Him and Her jokes.

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