Funny Jokes db

Funny jokes for every day

Homer Simpson jokes


”All right, brain, I don’t like you and you don’t like me so let’s just do this and I’ll get back to killing you with

beer.”

-- Homer Simpson

-0+

Joke #10658 posted in the category: Homer Simpson jokes.

DOH - The stuff that buys me beer. RAY - The guy who sells me beer. ME - The guys who drinks the beer. FAR - A long way to get beer. SO - I’ll have another beer. LA - I’ll have another beer. TEA - No thanks I’m drinking beer. and that brings me back to DOH!

-0+

Joke #10665 posted in the category: Homer Simpson jokes.

Oh, yeah, what are you gonna do? Release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark, they shoot bees at you?

*****

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it’s not whether you win or lose... it’s how drunk you get.

*****

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

*****

It’s not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.

*****

Homer: Are you saying you’re never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?

Lisa: No.

Homer: Ham?

Lisa: No!

Homer: Pork chops?

Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal!

Homer: Heh heh heh... ooh... yeah... right, Lisa. A wonderful... magical animal.

*****

Marge: Do you want your son to be Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, or a sleazy male stripper?

Homer: Can’t he be both, like the late Earl Warren?

Marge: Earl Warren was never a stripper!

Homer: Oh, now who’s being naive?

*****

Homer: But every time I learn something new, it pushes out something old! Remember that time I took a home wine-making course and forgot how to drive?

Marge: That’s because you were drunk!

Homer: And how!

*****

Oh, Lisa, you and your stories: Bart’s a vampire, beer kills brain cells. Now let’s go back to that... building... thingie... where our beds and TV... is.

*****

Operator! Give me the number for 911!

*****

Lenny: Hey, Homer? What do I tell the boss?

Homer: Tell him I’m going to the back seat of my car with the woman I love, and I won’t be back for ten minutes!

*****

Big brother representative: Now, Mr. Simpson, may I ask why you’re here?

Homer’s brain: Don’t say revenge. Don’t say revenge.

Homer: Ummm... revenge?

Homer’s brain: Okay, that’s it. I’m outta here. (step step step step step... slam)

*****

Homer: Okay, brain. You don’t like me, and I don’t like you, but let’s get through this thing and then I can continue killing you with beer.

Homer’s Brain: It’s a deal!

*****

Homer: But Marge! I was a political prisoner!

Marge: How were you a political prisoner?

Homer: I kicked a giant mouse in the butt! Do I have to draw you a picture?

*****

Homer: Bart, a woman is like a beer. They look good, they smell good, and you’d step over your own mother just to get one! (chugs beer)

*****

Old man: Take this doll, but beware; it carries a terrible curse.

Homer: Ooo, that’s bad.

Old man: But it comes with a free serving of frozen yogurt!

Homer: That’s good!

Old man: The frozen yogurt is also cursed.

Homer: That’s bad.

Old man: But it comes with your choice of toppings!

Homer: That’s good!

Old man: The toppings contain potassium benzoate...

Homer: (confused look)

Old man: That’s bad.

Homer: Can I go now?

*****

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you’re prejudiced against all races.

*****

Homer’s brain: Use reverse psychology.

Homer: Oh, that sounds too complicated.

Homer’s brain: Okay, don’t use reverse psychology.

Homer: Okay, I will!

*****

Homer: When I first heard that Marge was joining the police academy, I thought it would be fun and zany, like that movie -- Spaceballs. But instead it was dark and disturbing. Like that movie -- Police Academy.

*****

Marge: Homer, did you call the audience ”Chicken”?

Homer: No! I swear on this bible!

Marge: That’s not a bible. That’s a book of carpet samples.

Homer: Mmmm... fuzzy.

*****

Lisa: Dad, we did something very bad!

Homer: Did you wreck the car?

Bart: No.

Homer: Did you raise the dead?

Lisa: Yes.

Homer: But the car’s okay?

Bart & Lisa: Uh-huh.

Homer: All right then.

*****

Mmmmm... reprocessed pig fat...

*****

(praying): Dear Lord, the gods have been good to me. As an offering, I present these milk and cookies. If you wish me to eat them instead, please give me no sign whatsoever... thy bidding will be done (munch munch munch).

*****

What’s the point of going out? We’re just going to wind up back here anyway.

-0+

Joke #15920 posted in the category: Homer Simpson jokes.

# Remember that postcard Grandpa sent us from Florida of that Alligator biting that woman’s bottom? That’s right, we all thought it was hilarious. But, it turns out we were wrong. That alligator was sexually harrassing that woman.

# Old people don’t need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.

# How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?

# Television! Teacher, mother, secret lover.

# Homer no function beer well without.

# I’ve always wondered if there was a god. And now I know there is - and it’s me.

# Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?

# If something goes wrong at the plant, blame the guy who can’t speak English.

# I’m never going to be disabled. I’m sick of being so healthy.

# I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals flaming.

# [Looking at a globe map... country being Uruguay]

Hee Hee! Look at this country! ’You-are-gay.’

# All my life I’ve had one dream, to achieve my many goals.

# Dad, you’ve done a lot of great things, but you’re a very old man, and old people are useless.

# But Marge, what if we chose the wrong religion? Each week we just make God madder and madder.

# I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when Im around.

# Dear Lord.. The gods have been good to me. For the first time in my life, everything is absolutely perfect just the way it is. So here’s the deal: You freeze everything the way it is, and I won’t ask for anything more. If that is OK, please give me absolutely no sign. OK, deal.

# That’s it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I’m going to clown college!

# Beer: The cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.

# If something’s hard to do, then it’s not worth doing

# I’m in no condition to drive... wait! I shouldn’t listen to myself, I’m drunk!

# ’To Start Press Any Key’. Where’s the ANY key?

# Operator! Give me the number for 911!

# Oh, so they have internet on computers now!

# Bart, with $10, 000, we’d be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like... love!

# Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand.

# I’m normally not a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me Superman.

# Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.

# Well, it’s 1 a. m. Better go home and spend some quality time with the kids.

# Maybe, just once, someone will call me ’Sir’ without adding, ’You’re making a scene.’

# Marge, don’t discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel.

# Doughnuts. Is there anything they can’t do?

# You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

# Lisa, if you don’t like your job you don’t strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way.

# When will I learn? The answer to life’s problems aren’t at the bottom of a bottle, they’re on TV!

# Son, when you participate in sporting events, it’s not whether you win or lose: it’s how drunk you get.

# I’m going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won’t be back for ten minutes!

# [Meeting Aliens] Please don’t eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

# What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

# Marge, you’re as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

# Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

# The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother! I call him Gamblor, and it’s time to snatch your mother from his neon claws!

# When I look at the smiles on all the children’s faces, I just know they’re about to jab me with something.

# I’m having the best day of my life, and I owe it all to not going to Church!

# Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn’t, it’s that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such.

# I’m not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I’m going to Hell?

# Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you’re prejudiced against all races.

# It’s not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.

# Lisa, Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos.

# I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here.

# Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent. 14% of people know that.

-0+

Joke #31657 posted in the category: Homer Simpson jokes.

The Homer Simpson Beer Song (DOH - The stuff that buys me beer. RAY - The guy who sellsme beer. ME - The guys who drinks the beer. FAR - A long wayto get beer. SO - I’ll have another beer. LA - I’ll haveanother beer. TEA - No thanks I’m drinking beer. and thatbrings me back to DOH!

-0+

Joke #31658 posted in the category: Homer Simpson jokes.

Next page »
© Copyright 2017 funnydb.netfunny jokestop jokesbest jokes for everyone