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Hong Kong jokes


HONG KONG CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows’ milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the Feng Shui is bad.

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Joke #14235 posted in the category: Hong Kong jokes.

In a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please. If you

are not person to do such thing is please not to read notis.

In another Japanese hotel room: Please to bathe inside the tub.

In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day.

During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when

lit up.

In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for

wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one

should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going

alphabetically by national order.

In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front

desk.

In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office

between the hours of 9 and 11 A. M. daily.

In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is

the job of the chambermaid.

In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the

chambermaid.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox

monastary: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian

and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except

Thursday.

In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the

corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope

for.

On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm’s own make; limpid red

beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck

let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people’s fashion.

In a Hong Kong supermarket: For your convenience, we recommend

courageous, efficient self-service.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

In a Bangkok dry cleaner’s: Drop your trousers here for best results.

Outside a Paris dress shop: Dresses for street walking.

In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush

we will execute customers in strict rotation.

Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly: There will be a Moscow Exhibition

of Arts by 15, 000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were

executed over the past two years.

In an East African newspaper: A new swimming pool is rapidly taking

shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.

In a Vienna hotel: In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel

porter.

A sign posted in Germany’s Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on

our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for

instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are

married with each other for that purpose.

In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests

of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be

used for this purpose.

In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extrcted by the

latest Methodists.

A translated sentence from a Russian chess book: A lot of water has

been passed under the bridge since this variation has been played.

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the

afternoon having a good time.

In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city

tours - we guarantee no miscarriages.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on

your own ass?

On the faucet in a Finnish washroom: To stop the drip, turn cock to

right.

In the window of a Swedish furrier: Fur coats made for ladies from

their own skin.

On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: Guaranteed to work

throughout its useful life.

Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan: Stop: Drive Sideways.

In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today - no ice cream.

In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner

if dressed as a man.

In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them

in all directions.

On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the

USSR, you are welcome to it.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have

children in the bar.

At a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any

suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other

diseases.

In an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water

served here.

In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find

they are best in the long run.

From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air

conditioner: Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in

your room, please control yourself.

From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot

heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first,

but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:

- English well talking.

- Here speeching American.

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Joke #14707 posted in the category: Hong Kong jokes.

Real Subtitles from Hong Kong Movies

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1. I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.

2. You with your thick face have hurt my instep.

3. Gun wounds again?

4. Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.

5. A normal person wouldn’t steal pituitaries.

6. Damn, I’ll burn you into a BBQ chicken!

7. Take my advice, or I’ll spank you without pants.

8. Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?

9. Quiet or I’ll blow your throat up.

10. You always use violence. I should’ve ordered glutinous rice chicken.

11. I’ll fire aimlessly if you don’t come out!

12. You daring lousy guy.

13. Beat him out of recognizable shape!

14. I have been scared sh*tless too much lately.

15. I got knife scars more than the number of your leg’s hair!

16. Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.

17. The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?

18. How can you use my intestines as a gift?

19. This will be of fine service for you, you bag of the scum. I am

sure you will not mind that I remove your manhoods and leave them

out on the dessert flour for your aunts to eat.

20. Yah-hah, evil spider woman! I have captured you by the short

rabbits and can now deliver you violently to your gynecologist for a

thorough extermination.

21. Greetings, large black person. Let us not forget to form a team up

together and go into the country to inflict the pain of our karate

feets on some ass of the giant lizard person.

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Joke #14710 posted in the category: Hong Kong jokes.

A guy from Brooklyn was in Hong Kong passing

through the native quarter, and was surprised to see a synagogue. He went in and sure enough, he saw a Chinese rabbi and a Chinese congregation. The service was touching.
As the service ended, the rabbi stood at the

door greeting his congregants. When our

Brooklyn friend came up, the Chinese rabbi said, ”You a Jew?”
”Yes, I’m Jewish,” replied the Brooklynite.
”Funny,” said the Chinese rabbi. ”You don’t look it.”

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Joke #14711 posted in the category: Hong Kong jokes.

A man goes to his doctor and complains that his penis is developing a bend in the middle.

So the doctor ran a series of tests, and had the man return to his office to report the results.

”Have you been in the Far East recently, within the last year or so?”

”Why, yes,” replied the man.

”And did you have sex while over there?”

The man looked worried. ”Well, yes, once or twice.”

The doctor’s face got a grave expression on it. ”That’s what I was afraid of. You have a new disease that’s just starting to spread in this country. It’s called ’Hong Kong Dong.’ ”

The man gulped. ”What do you do for it? Is there a cure?”

”Well, sort of. You see, there is no way to cure the disease, but you must have an operation.”

”An operation? What kind of operation?”

”We cut off your penis.”

”Wow! Do you mind if I get a second opinion?”

The doctor replied, ”Of course not. In something of such a serious nature as this, I think you should get a second and a third opinion!”

The man consulted a urologist who told him essentially the same story, diagnosis, prognosis, and recommended treatment.

He was understandably upset, so he asked the second doctor to recommend another doctor for his third opinion. The urologist suggested that, since this disease originated in the Far East that he travel there, as the Asian doctors might know more about it.

Mr. Unlucky promptly booked passage on an airline for Hong Kong, where he received an immediate consultation with that Crown Colony’s most eminent physician.

After a series of tests, he awaited the verdict. The doctor entered the examining room.

”Well, is it Hong Kong Dong?” he inquired, unable to wait.

”Yes.”

”And is it really incurable?”

”Yes, there is no known cure.”

The man’s face crumpled as he fought back tears. ”And am I going to have an operation? Will they have to cut off my penis?”

At that the man was astonished to see the doctor break into laughter.

”What’s so funny, Doc? You mean I don’t have to have surgery?”

As the doctor regained control of himself, he managed to choke out, ”Oh, those American doctors! Cut, clamp, sew! Surgery, surgery, all they can think of is surgery!”

”I don’t have to have my penis cut off?” The man was overjoyed.

”Of course not! Just wait a couple more weeks, and it’ll fall off by itself!”

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Joke #14712 posted in the category: Hong Kong jokes.

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