HONG KONG CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows’ milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the Feng Shui is bad.-0+
In a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please. If you
are not person to do such thing is please not to read notis.
In another Japanese hotel room: Please to bathe inside the tub.
In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day.
During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when
In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for
wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one
should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going
alphabetically by national order.
In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front
In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office
between the hours of 9 and 11 A. M. daily.
In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is
the job of the chambermaid.
In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox
monastary: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian
and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except
In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the
corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope
On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm’s own make; limpid red
beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck
let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people’s fashion.
In a Hong Kong supermarket: For your convenience, we recommend
courageous, efficient self-service.
Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
In a Bangkok dry cleaner’s: Drop your trousers here for best results.
Outside a Paris dress shop: Dresses for street walking.
In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush
we will execute customers in strict rotation.
Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly: There will be a Moscow Exhibition
of Arts by 15, 000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were
executed over the past two years.
In an East African newspaper: A new swimming pool is rapidly taking
shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.
In a Vienna hotel: In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel
A sign posted in Germany’s Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on
our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for
instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are
married with each other for that purpose.
In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests
of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be
used for this purpose.
In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extrcted by the
A translated sentence from a Russian chess book: A lot of water has
been passed under the bridge since this variation has been played.
In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the
afternoon having a good time.
In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city
tours - we guarantee no miscarriages.
Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on
your own ass?
On the faucet in a Finnish washroom: To stop the drip, turn cock to
In the window of a Swedish furrier: Fur coats made for ladies from
their own skin.
On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: Guaranteed to work
throughout its useful life.
Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan: Stop: Drive Sideways.
In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today - no ice cream.
In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner
if dressed as a man.
In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.
In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them
in all directions.
On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the
USSR, you are welcome to it.
In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have
children in the bar.
At a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any
suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other
In an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water
In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find
they are best in the long run.
From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air
conditioner: Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in
your room, please control yourself.
From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot
heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first,
but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.
Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
- English well talking.
- Here speeching American.
Real Subtitles from Hong Kong Movies
1. I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.
2. You with your thick face have hurt my instep.
3. Gun wounds again?
4. Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.
5. A normal person wouldn’t steal pituitaries.
6. Damn, I’ll burn you into a BBQ chicken!
7. Take my advice, or I’ll spank you without pants.
8. Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?
9. Quiet or I’ll blow your throat up.
10. You always use violence. I should’ve ordered glutinous rice chicken.
11. I’ll fire aimlessly if you don’t come out!
12. You daring lousy guy.
13. Beat him out of recognizable shape!
14. I have been scared sh*tless too much lately.
15. I got knife scars more than the number of your leg’s hair!
16. Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.
17. The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?
18. How can you use my intestines as a gift?
19. This will be of fine service for you, you bag of the scum. I am
sure you will not mind that I remove your manhoods and leave them
out on the dessert flour for your aunts to eat.
20. Yah-hah, evil spider woman! I have captured you by the short
rabbits and can now deliver you violently to your gynecologist for a
21. Greetings, large black person. Let us not forget to form a team up
together and go into the country to inflict the pain of our karate
feets on some ass of the giant lizard person.
A guy from Brooklyn was in Hong Kong passing
through the native quarter, and was surprised to see a synagogue. He went in and sure enough, he saw a Chinese rabbi and a Chinese congregation. The service was touching.
As the service ended, the rabbi stood at the
door greeting his congregants. When our
Brooklyn friend came up, the Chinese rabbi said, ”You a Jew?”
”Yes, I’m Jewish,” replied the Brooklynite.
”Funny,” said the Chinese rabbi. ”You don’t look it.”
A man goes to his doctor and complains that his penis is developing a bend in the middle.
So the doctor ran a series of tests, and had the man return to his office to report the results.
”Have you been in the Far East recently, within the last year or so?”
”Why, yes,” replied the man.
”And did you have sex while over there?”
The man looked worried. ”Well, yes, once or twice.”
The doctor’s face got a grave expression on it. ”That’s what I was afraid of. You have a new disease that’s just starting to spread in this country. It’s called ’Hong Kong Dong.’ ”
The man gulped. ”What do you do for it? Is there a cure?”
”Well, sort of. You see, there is no way to cure the disease, but you must have an operation.”
”An operation? What kind of operation?”
”We cut off your penis.”
”Wow! Do you mind if I get a second opinion?”
The doctor replied, ”Of course not. In something of such a serious nature as this, I think you should get a second and a third opinion!”
The man consulted a urologist who told him essentially the same story, diagnosis, prognosis, and recommended treatment.
He was understandably upset, so he asked the second doctor to recommend another doctor for his third opinion. The urologist suggested that, since this disease originated in the Far East that he travel there, as the Asian doctors might know more about it.
Mr. Unlucky promptly booked passage on an airline for Hong Kong, where he received an immediate consultation with that Crown Colony’s most eminent physician.
After a series of tests, he awaited the verdict. The doctor entered the examining room.
”Well, is it Hong Kong Dong?” he inquired, unable to wait.
”And is it really incurable?”
”Yes, there is no known cure.”
The man’s face crumpled as he fought back tears. ”And am I going to have an operation? Will they have to cut off my penis?”
At that the man was astonished to see the doctor break into laughter.
”What’s so funny, Doc? You mean I don’t have to have surgery?”
As the doctor regained control of himself, he managed to choke out, ”Oh, those American doctors! Cut, clamp, sew! Surgery, surgery, all they can think of is surgery!”
”I don’t have to have my penis cut off?” The man was overjoyed.
”Of course not! Just wait a couple more weeks, and it’ll fall off by itself!”