10. A chain of ”Bhaskar-RaoBins” ice cream stores all over the country, in collaboration with Baskin Robins.
9. Kraft will make ”PARAMESAN CHEESE” at Madras, in collaboration with Parameswaran & Co.
8. Kentucky Fried Chicken will open its chain of Indian version, to be named, ”KARNATAKI FLY-ED CHICKEN” and will be headquartered at Bangalore.
7. Pizza Hut will open a chain, in the back alleys of all cities, its version, to be named: ”PICHHE HUT”. Headquarters: Kanpur. PICHHE = means back-alleys for the uneducated
6. McDonalds will open its fast food restaurants to be named: ”McDosalu”. Hqs. Hyderabad. Main menu: Idli and Dosa.
5. Mr. Submarine will name its restaurants as ”Mr. SUBRAMANI”, to be headquartered at Madras.
4. Red Carpets coloured with biodegradable (hence environmentally friendly) red PAAN. Juice extracts will enjoy duty-free status in US.
3. Dallas Cowboys will own a new franchise: Dilli’s COW-BHAIS, to teach Indians how to play Football.... with hands.
2. Duty-free import of Ambassador cars into USA, as long as they are not used outside of Demolition Derby.
1. Internal Revenue Service will provide technology transfer of its Tax System software to Indian Income Tax Dept and to be named: ”UNCLE SHYAM”.
In order to develop friendly relationship between the two countries, Atal Behari Vajpayee and Pervez Musharraf decided to visit each other’s country regularly.
The first visit was by Vajpayee to Pakistan.
There Musharraf showed him Pakistan’s modern telecommunication systems. It was so good that Vajpayee made a call to the Devil in hell and talked to him for 5 minutes! The bill for the call came to only Re. 1.
When Vajpayee came back, he also wanted India’s telecommunication systems to be at the best when Musharraf visited India. Suitable arrangements were made. Mushrraf came to India, visited the telecom department and talked to Zia-ul-Haq in hell for 5 minutes. But this time, the bill was Rs. 500!
Musharraf asked with a sarcastic smile - ”Why are telephone calls to hell so costly in India?”
A High level diplomat gave a smiling reply - ”From Pakistan to hell, it is a local call, Sir, while from India, it is long distance!” .
(May not apply towards NRIs returning from Gulf)
10. One who requests the autorickshaw driver to drive slowly and clutches the seat-cushion nervously.
9. One who just bought a case of Bisleri mineral water.
8. One who gets upset if the train is only six hours behind schedule.
7. One who is nervously gazing at the Green channel at the Customs clearance of airport.
6. One who prefers eating fruits to Poori at the train stations.
5. Basically, any man who is changing a baby’s diaper.
4. One who does not wait, for the coolie at the train station, and hauls his/her own 30” suitcase.
3. One who feels embarassed to run after the railway conductor, for reservation.
2. One who says, ”say cheese” when taking a picture.
1. One who has gained more FREQUENT FLYER mileage from trips to the toilet.
10. You think most Indian teenagers are pure and chaste.
9. You think everyone in the world knows about the O. J. Simpson case.
8. You can’t believe the world wide web exists in India. You can’t believe Delhi has had phone services like call waiting and the other fancy stuff you get here for the past three years and you can’t believe there have been ATM (like MAC) machines in Indian cities for more than 7 years.
7. You like Broccoli.
6. You find cricket to be boring but watch golf, bowling or curling on TV.
5. You express sarcasm with ”Yeah, right.”
4. When you see anyone at all pass by you on the road, you greet them with a ”Howz it goin”, ”Whassup” or ”How you doin” and keep walking on.
3. You say ”interesting” when either you don’t care or think it is weird.
2. You refer to India as a Third World Country.
1. You understood, enjoyed and could relate to every joke in the Humor Page.
Traveling on Indian Roads is an almost hallucinatory potion of sound, spectacle and experience. It is frequently heart-rending, sometimes hilarious, mostly exhilarating, always unforgettable -- and, when you are on the roads, extremely dangerous.
Most Indian road users observe a version of the Highway Code based on a Sanskrit text. These 12 rules of the Indian road are published for the first time in English:
The assumption of immortality is required of all road users.
Indian traffic, like Indian society, is structured on a strict caste system. The following precedence must be accorded at all times. In descending order, give way to:
Cows, elephants, heavy trucks, buses, official cars, camels, light trucks, buffalo, jeeps, ox-carts, private cars, motorcycles, scooters, auto-rickshaws, pigs, pedal rickshaws, goats, bicycles (goods-carrying), handcarts, bicycles (passenger-carrying), dogs, pedestrians.
All wheeled vehicles shall be driven in accordance with the maxim: to slow is to falter, to brake is to fail, to stop is defeat. This is the Indian drivers’ mantra.
Use of horn (also known as the sonic fender or aural amulet):
Cars (IV, 1, a-c):
Short blasts (urgent) indicate supremacy, IE in clearing dogs, rickshaws and pedestrians from path.
Long blasts (desperate) denote supplication, IE to oncoming truck: ”I am going too fast to stop, so unless you slow down we shall both die”. In extreme cases this may be accompanied by flashing of headlights (frantic).
Single blast (casual) means: ”I have seen someone out of India’s 870 million whom I recognise”, ”There is a bird in the road (which at this speed could go through my windscreen)” or ”I have not blown my horn for several minutes.”
Trucks and buses (IV, 2, a):
All horn signals have the same meaning, viz: ”I have an all-up weight of approximately 12. 5 tons and have no intention of stopping, even if I could.” This signal may be emphasised by the use of headlamps.
Article IV remains subject to the provision of Order of Precedence in Article II above.
All manoeuvres, use of horn and evasive action shall be left until the last possible moment.
In the absence of seat belts (which there is), car occupants shall wear garlands of marigolds. These should be kept fastened at all times.
Rights of way:
Traffic entering a road from the left has priority. So has traffic from the right, and also traffic in the middle.
Lane discipline (VII, 1):
All Indian traffic at all times and irrespective of direction of travel shall occupy the centre of the road.
Roundabouts: India has no roundabouts. Apparent traffic islands in the middle of crossroads have no traffic management function. Any other impression should be ignored.
Overtaking is mandatory. Every moving vehicle is required to overtake every other moving vehicle, irrespective of whether it has just overtaken you.
Overtaking should only be undertaken in suitable conditions, such as in the face of oncoming traffic, on blind bends, at junctions and in the middle of villages/city centres. No more than two inches should be allowed between your vehicle and the one you are passing -- and one inch in the case of bicycles or pedestrians.
Nirvana may be obtained through the head-on crash.
Reversing: no longer applicable since no vehicle in India has reverse gear.