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Q: What is the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?
A: One less drunk.

-10+

Joke #159 posted in the category: International jokes.

Two Kerry men walk into a pet shop. Right away they go over to the bird section.

Gerry says to Paddy, ’Dat’s dem!’ The clerk comes over and asks if he can help them.

’Yeah, we’ll take four of dem dere birds in dat cage dere,’ says Gerry, ’Put dem in a peeper bag. ’The clerk does and the two guys pay for the birds and leave the shop. They get into Gerry’s van and drive until they are high up in the hills and stop at the top of a cliff with a 500-foot drop. ’Dis looks loike a grand place, eh?’ says Gerry. ’Oh, yeh, dis looks good,’ replies Paddy. They flip a coin and Gerry wins the toss. ’I guess I git to go first, eh Paddy?’ says Gerry. He then takes two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds followed by a ’SPLAT’. As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head and says,

’Bugger dat, dis budgie jumpin’ is too bloody dangerous for me’

======= PART TWO =======

A minute later, Seamus arrives. He too has been to the pet shop and he, walks up carrying the familiar peeper bag. He pulls a parrot out of the bag, and then Paddy notices that, in his other hand, Seamus is carrying a gun. ’Hi, Paddy. Watch this,’ Seamus says and launches himself over the edge of the cliff. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and blows the parrot’s head off. Seamus continues to plummet until there is a SPLAT! , as he joins Gerry’s remains at the bottom. Paddy shakes his head and says, ’An’ oim never troyin’ dat parrotshooting nider’

======- PART THREE =======

A few minutes after Seamus splats himself Sean strolls up. He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar ’peeper bag’. Instead of a parrot he pulls a chicken out of the bag, and launches himself off the cliff with the usual result. Once more Paddy shakes his head - ’Bugger me Sean, first der was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrot shooting and now you... bloody hen gliding’.

--1+

Joke #599 posted in the category: International jokes.

A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.

The old explorer said, ”Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gun bearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger lept toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I soiled myself.”

The reporter said, ”Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same.”

The old explorer said, ”No, not then -- just now when I went ””ROARRRR!’ ”’”

-16+

Joke #1636 posted in the category: International jokes.

The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if

they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world.

One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog

fight. They’d have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and

which ever side’s dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing

side would have to lay down its arms.

The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler bitches in the

world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only

the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave

him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up

with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen.

Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get

near it. When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a

strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the

Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last

ten seconds with the Russian dog.

When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of its cage and slowly

waddled over towards the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of

its cage and charged the American dachshund. But, when it got close enough to

bite the Dachshund’s neck, the Dachshund opened its mouth and consumed the

Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at the entire Russian dog.

The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. ’We

don’t understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working

for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler bitches in the world and

the biggest meanest Siberian wolves.”

”That’s nothing”, an American replied. ”We had our best plastic surgeons

working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund.”

-0+

Joke #1741 posted in the category: International jokes.

There once was a lowly snail, who was busily crawling through the forrest one

day when he happens upon a Leprechaun, perched upon a toadstool. The Leprechaun

looks down at the poor snail, crawling on his belly all his life, and takes pity

on him. ”Snail,” he says. ”I am going to grant you a wish. Whatever you want,

you have only to ask.”

The snail can’t believe his luck! He thinks for a moment, and then excitedly

exclaims, ”Yes! I do have a wish! I want a brand new, shiny red Corvette

Stingray!” The Leprechaun at first thinks that this is pretty strange, but then,

considering that he is talking to a snail, perhaps not.

”And” continues the snail. ”I want a bright, golden ”S” painted on the doors,

the hood and the trunk of my corvette.”

”You shall have your wish,” responds the Leprechaun. With the wave of his

hand, the snail’s wish is granted.

And now, whenever the snail roars through the forrest in his shiny new

corvette, with the big ”S” on the side, all the other animals of the forrest

say... ”Wow! Look at that crazy ”S” car go!”

-0+

Joke #1742 posted in the category: International jokes.

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