Jay Leno Jokes from the Tonight Show...
Pharmaceutical companies that make birth control pills are telling teenage girls that taking the pill can help clear up their skin. Do you think that’s true? I think there is a better chance of clearing up the boyfriend’s skin...
Fashion experts say that President Bush is helping bring back cowboy boots and cowboy hats. See, so it is not just for male strippers anymore...
LeAnn Rimes apologized to fans for the quality of her new album. Isn’t that unbelievable? If LeAnn Rimes has to apologize for her album, what the heck is Kathie Lee going to do, commit suicide?
In an interview with Vanity Fair magazine, Hugh Hefner admitted having 7 girlfriends, one for each night of the week... Someone should tell him those are called nurses. He said they all have sex together in the same bed. He said Viagra makes it possible... I think money makes it possible!
Surgeons in Britain amputated the hand of the world’s first hand transplant patient because the guy requested it, after his body rejected it. How depressing is that? It’s bad enough getting rejected by women, but guys, when your own hand turns you down?
According to a new government report, the military is running out of bullets. We are running out of ammunition! Oh good... let’s tell our enemies... that’s what I love about our country, you can’t tell your sexual preference in the Navy, but you can tell our enemies we’re running out of ammunition. ”We don’t have any bullets, and I can’t tell you if I’m gay.”
”Do you like the March Madness? Here’s how it works: First you start out with 65, and then one by one, people are sent home until there’s only one left, no, I’m sorry, that’s our coalition in Iraq.” —Jay Leno
”The voters in Spain there have elected a socialist government. The new prime minister, Jose Zapatero immediately lashed out at President Bush, calling the war in Iraq a disaster, calling for all Spanish troops to come home from Iraq immediately. This obviously upset President Bush. Today, he took decisive action. He said, ’From now on, in the United States, Spanish rice will now be known as Freedom rice.’ ” — Jay Leno
”President Bush went out touting his economic record in Ohio last week. Now this is a state that lost 225, 000 jobs since Bush took office. You know, if Bush wants to tout his record, he should do it somewhere
where the Bush economy has actually created jobs, like India, or Thailand, or China.” —Jay Leno
”A man in France was arrested today for using his car to run down a pedestrian he thought was Osama bin Laden. Even though it was a mistake, it still ranks as France’s biggest military victory ever.” —Jay Leno
”A California state senator has proposed lowering the voting age to 14. Three words for people who think this is a good idea: Governor Jessica Simpson.” —Jay Leno
”California lawmakers are now proposing an amendment that would allow 14 year olds a quarter vote and 16 year a half a vote in all state elections. How stupid is this? Don’t we have enough trouble counting whole votes? How are we gonna figure out fractions.” —Jay Leno
”Have you seen any of President Bush’s ads? They are really starting to get vicious. We’ve finally found an American job Bush is willing to fight for: his own.” —Jay Leno
”Attorney General John Ashcroft had surgery this week. His condition is listed as orange.... He had his gall bladder removed, which is good, I think we could all use John Ashcroft with a lot less gall.... Actually, that’s the second thing John Ashcroft has had removed, if you count, of course, the Constitution.” —Jay Leno
”Martha Stewart published her recipe for disaster — mix one part arrogance with two parts incompetence, simmer in the juices and then serve hot in the can.” —Jay Leno
”A California state senator has proposed an amendment to the California state constitution that would lower the voting age to 14. This is ridiculous, do you know what would happen if we allowed 14 year olds to vote? We’d end up with someone like an action hero as governor.” —Jay Leno
”A study claims that by next year obesity will be the number one killer in America. Can you believe that?
We’re turning into a nation of Clinton girlfriends.” —Jay Leno
”Secretary of Commerce Don Evans said that we are trying to get other countries to adopt our economic policy. That’s a great idea, maybe we can convince them to ship some of their jobs over here, too.” —Jay Leno
”After all the voting on Tuesday, President Bush called John Kerry to congratulate him. I’m not sure what they talked about, but I think we can rule out swapping war stories.” —Jay Leno
”After failing to win a single state on Tuesday, John Edwards described his campaign as ’The Little Engine That Could.’ And afterwards, Bush called him, and said, ’You’re not going to believe this but I’m reading that book right now.’ ” —Jay Leno
”I was watching the John Kerry supporters’ victory party on Tuesday and I was watching John Kerry and Ted Kennedy speak on this giant screen; then I realized it wasn’t a giant screen, it was John Kerry’s head and Ted Kennedy’s head.” —Jay Leno
”John Edwards based his campaign on the fact that there are two Americas, one for the wealthy and one for everyone else. And after his speech, he thanked everyone else and went back to the America for the wealthy.” —Jay Leno
”Do you realize that the Bush administration has now produced more gay marriages than jobs?” —Jay Leno
”Kerry is well on his way to reaching his magic number of 2, 162. That’s the total number of delegates he needs to win the Democratic nomination. See for President Bush it’s different — his magic number is 5. That’s the number of Supreme Court judges needed to win.” —Jay Leno
”Kerry has already begun his search for a running mate. They say that because John Edwards still has $50 million in campaign money, Kerry might pick him. Pick him? Hey, for $50 million, Kerry will marry him.” —Jay Leno
”In a recent interview, Kerry said Clinton was known as the first black president and he’d like to earn the right to be second. Is John Kerry the closest we can get to a black president? How does it make Al Sharpton feel? He’s going, hey guys, hello, I’m an actual black person.” —Jay Leno
”John Kerry won Super Tuesday, making this, of course, anti-climatic Wednesday.” —Jay Leno
”There are rumors that Cheney will be replaced, but President Bush is very loyal.... He’s standing by him, but I don’t know how sincere that is. I understand every day, Bush buys Cheney a large cheese and pepperoni pizza.” —Jay Leno
”I was watching TV last night. I saw an interesting documentary on the Ninja, the Japanese soldier. According to legend the Ninjas were warriors who could make themselves invisible whenever there was a war. Kind of like Bush and the National Guard.” —Jay Leno
”The White House has now released military documents that they say prove George Bush met his requirements for the National Guard. Big deal, we’ve got documents that prove Al Gore won the election.” —Jay Leno
”There’s this huge controversy over the fact that President Bush apparently received credit for National Guard service in Alabama in ’72 and ’73 even though his commanding officers are saying he never reported. I think what’s even more disturbing is that he received enough credits to graduate from Yale.” —Jay Leno
”The White House announced today that during the Vietnam War, President Bush was listed as MIA — Missing In Alabama.” —Jay Leno
”Bush did have an explanation, he said he did go to Alabama but when he didn’t find weapons of mass destruction, he went back to Texas.” —Jay Leno
”The Democrats are all over this. Democratic strategists feel John Kerry’s war record means he can beat Bush. They say when it comes down to it voters will always vote for a war hero over someone who tried to get out of the war. I’ll be sure to mention that to Bob Dole when I see him.” —Jay Leno
”John Kerry said today that he wants to get rid of tax cuts for the rich and his wife said, ’Hey, shut up! What’s the matter with you?! Are you nuts?!’ ” —Jay Leno
”Presidential candidate John Edwards keeps saying that there are two Americas. Unfortunately, they’re both voting for John Kerry.” —Jay Leno
”President Bush stopped off at a bass pro fishing store to pick up a fishing reel, some line and some rubber worms. He’s going to disappear and go fishing. So he must think he’s back in the National Guard.” —Jay Leno
”Critics are now saying that his dad got him out of going to Vietnam. However, his dad did get him to go to Iraq.” —Jay Leno
”I’m not sure if President Bush really understand how important the issue is. Like today, a reporter asked if he was a deserter. Bush answered, ’No, I skip the pie, the ice cream... not a big deserter.’ ” —Jay Leno
”Who cares if Bush did his job in the national guard 30 years ago. Personally, I’m more afraid of the job he’s doing now.” —Jay Leno
”General Wesley Clark pulled out of the Democratic presidential race. He said he’s going to go back to his old job, being a Republican.” —Jay Leno
”Even though Al Gore endorsed him, Howard Dean only got four percent of the vote in Al Gore’s home state of Tennessee. That means he didn’t even get all the votes in the Gore family.” —Jay Leno
”The big story now is that President Bush is coming under attack for his service in the National Guard. The White House said, ’no no,’ that they have payroll records to show that he served in the National Guard. But today, the commanding officers can’t remember seeing Bush between May and October of ’72. President Bush said, ’Remember me? I’m the drunk guy. Remember me?’ ” —Jay Leno
”In a speech over the weekend, Al Gore brutally attacked President Bush and his policies. You see, if Al Gore really wants President Bush to lose in 2004, instead of attacking Bush, he should endorse him. Look what it did for the Dean campaign.” —Jay Leno
”The latest issue of Time magazine asked if President Bush has a credibility problem and the cover of the latest Newsweek magazine asked who really killed Jesus. And in both cases, it proved the same thing -- it’s hard to get good intelligence in the Middle East.” —Jay Leno
”President Bush was on ’Meet the Press’ Sunday. A lot of his White House staffers thought it was a bad idea. Hey, better than him going on ’Jeopardy.’ ” —Jay Leno
On the Tonight Show With Jay Leno, Jay went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a person ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience and there was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize! What do you think?
”It was midwinter, snowing and quite cold and the guy had taken her skiing. It was a day trip (No overnight involved). They were strangers, and truly did not know each other well. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon. They were driving back down the mountain when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte. They were about an hour away from anywhere that had a restroom. Her date suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while.
Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him he had better stop and let her pee beside the road, or it would be all over the front seat of his car. They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started to pee. In the deep snow she didn’t have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her date stood on the other side of the car watching for traffic and, as a real gentleman, refrained from peeking.
Upon finishing, she soon became aware of the problem. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her butt was firmly stuck against the car’s fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to pump handles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold.
Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor, she answered her date’s concern about ”what was taking so long,” with, ”she was truly freezing her butt off and needed some assistance”! He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as they looked at each other, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they tried to figure a way out of this mess. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal.
Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender. Rescue accomplished.
As you can imagine, the remainder of the trip home was pretty quiet and despite their ’intimate encounter’ The two did not see one another again.”
As for the Tonight Show... she took the prize hands down... or perhaps that should be ”pants down”. Jay Leno was a little speechless at first, but later added,
”This story gave a whole new meaning to being ’pissed off’.”