After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.
Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.
”There might be some matches in the top drawer,” she replied.
He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.
Naturally, the guy began to worry.
”Is this your husband?” he inquired nervously.
”No, silly,” she replied, snuggling up to him.
”Your boyfriend then?” he asked.
”No, not at all,” she said, nibbling away at his ear.
”Well, who is he then?” demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, the girl replied, ”That’s me before the operation.”
’Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, except Papa’s mouse.
The computer was humming, the icons were hopping,
As Papa did last-minute Internet shopping.
The stockings were hung by the modem with care
In hope that St. Nicholas would bring new software.
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of computer games danced in their heads.
Dark Forces for Billy, and Doom II for Dan,
And Carmen Sandiego for Pamela Ann.
The letters to Santa had been sent out by Mom,
To santaclaus@toyshop. northpole. com -
Which has now been re-routed to Washington State
Because Santa’s workshop has been bought by Bill Gates.
All the elves and reindeer have had to skedaddle
To flashy new quarters in suburban Seattle.
After centuries of a life that was simple and spare,
St. Nicholas is suddenly a new billionaire,
With a shiny red Porsche in the place of his sleigh,
And a house on Lake Washington that’s just down the way
From where Bill has his mansion. The old fellow preens
In black Gucci boots and red Calvin Klein jeans.
The elves have stock options and desks with a view,
Where they write computer code for Johnny and Sue.
No more dolls or toy soldiers or little toy drums
(ahem - pardon me)
No more dolls or tin soldiers or little toy drums
Will be under the tree, only compact disk ROMS
With the Microsoft label. So spin up your drive,
From now on Christmas runs only on Windows 95.
More rapid than eagles the competitors came,
And Bill whistled, and shouted, and called them by name.
”Now, ADOBE! now, CLARIS! now, INTUIT! too,
Now, APPLE! and NETSCAPE! you are all of you through,
It is Microsoft’s SANTA that the kids can’t resist,
It’s the ultimate software with a traditional twist -
Recommended by no less than the jolly old elf,
And on the package, a picture of Santa himself.
Get ’em young, keep ’em long, is Microsoft’s scheme,
And a merger with Santa is a merketer’s dream.
To the top of the NASDAQ! to the top of the Dow!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away - wow!”
And Mama in her ’kerchief and I in my cap,
Had just settled down for a long winter’s nap,
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
The whirr and the hum of our satellite platter,
As it turned toward that new Christmas star in the sky,
The SANTALITE owned by the Microsoft guy.
As I sprang from my bed and was turning around,
My computer turned on with a Jingle-Bells sound.
And there on the screen was a smiling Bill Gates
Next to jolly old Santa, two arm-in-arm mates.
And I heard them exclaim in voice so bright,
Have a MICROSOFT CHRISTMAS,
and TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT.
Yo mama’s so fat
- Yo Mama’s so fat, she couldn’t fit in a satellite photo.
- Yo Mama’s so fat, she’s on both sides of the family.
- Yo Mama’s so fat, when she fell over, she rocked herself asleep trying to get up again.
- Yo Mama’s so fat, when she sat on a dollar bill, blood came out of George Washington’s nose
- Yo Mama’s so fat, the telephone company gave her two area codes
- Yo Mama’s so fat, the back of her neck looks like a pack of hotdogs
- Yo Mama’s so fat, when she goes to the beach, kids shout: ”Free Willy! free Willy!”
- Yo Mama’s so fat, she’s got her own zip code
- Yo Mama’s so fat, people jog around her for exercise
- Yo Mama’s so fat, when she plays hopscotch, she goes New York, L. A. , Chicago...
- Yo Mama’s so fat, if she weighed 5 more pounds, she could get group insurance.
- Yo Mama’s so fat, she jumped in air and got stuck.
- Yo Mama’s so fat, when she wears Maclom X shirt, helicopters land on her.
- Yo Mama’s so fat, when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too.
- Yo Mama’s so fat, the highway patrol made her wear a ”Caution! Wide Turn” sign.
- Yo Mama’s so fat, when she sits around the house, she sits AROUND the house.
- Yo Mama’s so fat, when she steps on a scale, it read ”One at a time, please.”
- Yo Mama’s so fat, I swerved to avoid her in the road and ran out of gas.
- Yo Mama’s so fat, when she wears a yellow raincoat in the rain, people run to her and yell ”Taxi!”
- Yo Mama’s so fat, she had to go to Sea World to get baptized.
- Yo Mama’s so fat, she has to iron her pants on the driveway.
- Yo Mama’s so fat, she puts on her lipstick with a paint-roller.
- Yo Mama’s so fat, when she tripped on 10th St. , she landed on 22nd St..
- Yo Mama’s so fat, when her beeper goes off, people thought she was backing up.
- Yo Mama’s so fat, if she was a superhero, she would be ”incredible bulk.”
- Yo Mama’s so fat, a picture of her fell off the wall.
- Yo Mama’s so fat, at the zoo the elephants started throwing her peanuts.
- Yo Mama’s so fat, she stepped on rainbow and made Skittles
- Yo Mama’s so fat, I guess we know what’s eating Gilbert Grape.
- Yo mama’s so fat, her ass looks like two pigs fighting over a milk dud.
- Yo mama’s so fat, her blood type is Ragu.
- Yo mama’s so fat, she wears a watch on each arm, one for each time zone.
- Yo mama’s so fat, she stepped on a talking scale, and it said ”GET THE HELL OFF!!”
- Yo mama’s so fat, the shadow of her ass weighs 50 pounds
- Yo mama’s so fat, she stepped on my cat’s tail, now I call him ”Beaver”.
- Yo mama’s so fat, when I tried to drive around her, I ran out of gas.
- Yo mama’s so fat, when I climbed on top of her, I burned my ass on the light bulb.
- Yo mama’s so fat, she’s got more chins than a Chinese phone book.
- Yo mama’s so fat, when she hauls ass, she has to make two trips.
- Yo mama’s so fat, I had to take a train and two busses just to get on her good side.
- Yo mama’s so fat, I ran around her twice, and got lost.
- Yo mama’s so fat, instead of wearing Levis 501 jeans, she wears Levis 1002’s.
- Yo mama’s so fat, she’s got more rolls than a bakery.
- Yo mama’s so fat, she was floating in the ocean, and Spain claimed her as a new world.
- Yo mama’s so fat, she could sell shade.
- Yo mama’s so fat, that when God said ”Let there be Light”, he told her to move her fat ass out of the way.
- Yo mama’s so fat, when I finished having sex with her and tried to roll off, I was still on her.
- Yo mama’s so fat, when I have sex with her, I have to slap her ass and ride the wave in.
- Yo mama’s so fat, when she bends over, we go into daylight savings time.
- Yo mama’s so fat, when she takes a shower, her feet don’t get wet.
- Yo mama’s so fat, she bumps into people when she’s sitting down.
- Yo mama’s so fat, when your father mounts her, his ears pop.
- Yo Mama’s so fat, her butt has it’s own congressmen.
- Yo Mama’s so fat, she needs a boomerang to wear a belt.
Her nickname is ”DAMN”
she eats Wheat Thicks.
people jog around her for exercise.
she went to the movies and sat next to everyone.
she has been declared a natural habitat for Condors.
when she sits in the classroom, she sits beside everybody.
she was floating in the ocean and spain claimed her for the new world.
she put on a red tee shirt and all the little kids said ”Kool-Aid, Kool-Aid”.
they wrote a book about her, It was called Moby Dick.
she lay on the beach and people run around yelling Free Willy.
she goes to a resturant, looks at the menu and says ”okay!”
when she wears a yellow raincoat, people said ”Taxi!”
she had to go to Sea World to get baptized
she got to iron her pants on the driveway
she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller
when she tripped over on 4th Ave, she landed on 12th
when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too
the highway patrol made her wear ”Caution! Wide Turn”
when she sits around the house, she SITS AROUND THE HOUSE!
when she steps on a scale, it read ”one at a time, please”
she fell in love and broke it.
when she gets on the scale it says to be continued.
when she gets on the scale it says we don’t do livestock.
her neck looks like a pair of hot dogs!
she’s got her own area code!
she looks like she’s smuggling a Volkswagen!
God couldn’t light Earth till she moved!
NASA has to orbit a satellite around her!
whenever she goes to the beach the tide comes in!
when she plays hopscotch, she goes New York, L. A. , Chicago...
she’s got Amtrak written on her leg.
even Bill Gates couldn’t pay for her liposuction!
I had to take a train and two buses just to get on the bitch’s good side!
she wakes up in sections!
when she goes to an amusement park, people try to ride HER!
she sat on a quarter and a booger shot out of George Washington’s nose.
when she lies on the beach no one else gets sun!
she jumped up in the air and got stuck!
she got more chins than a Chinese phone book!
that her senior pictures had to be arial views!
she’s on both sides of the family!
everytime she walks in high heels, she strikes oil!
she fell and made the Grand Canyon!
she sat on the beach and Greenpeace threw her in!
that when she hauls ass, she has to make two trips!
even her clothes have stretch marks!
she has a wooden leg with a kickstand!
when she rides in a hot air balloon, it looks like she’s wearin tights!
she got hit by a parked car!
they have to grease the bath tub to get her out!
she has a run in her blue-jeans!
they use the elastic in her underwear for bungee jumping
when they used her underwear elastic for bungee jumping, they hit the ground.
she has to buy two airline tickets.
she influences the tides.
that when I tried to drive around her I ran out of gas.
the animals at the zoo feed her.
she was baptized at Marine World.
when she dances at a concert the whole band skips.
she stands in two time zones.
sets off car alarms when she runs.
she cant reach her back pocket.
when she wears a Malcomn X T-shirt, helicopters try to land on her back!
she uses redwoods to pick her teeth
she stepped on a rainbow and made Skittles.
she hoola-hooped the super bowl.
when she got hit by a bus, she said, ”Who threw that rock?”
when she stands in a left-turn lane it gives her the green arrow!
that when whe was born, she gave the hospital stretch marks.
the National Weather Agency has to assign names to her farts!
we went to the drive-in and didn’t have to pay because we dressed her as a Chevrolet.
she was Miss Arizona -- class Battleship
she accidently got a 747 caught in her teeth
to her ”light food” means under 4 Tons
The Himalayas are practices runs to prepare for her
she went on a date with high heels on and came back with sandals!
she stepped on a talking scale and it told her to get off!
she was zoned for commercial development
she won ”Miss Bessie the Cow 94”
she has her own brand of jeans: FA - FatAss Jeans
Yo mama so fat... she’s fat!
God can’t lift her spirits!
she played Free Willy’s stunt double.
when she falls in the Grand Canyon, she gets stuck.
I saw her on top of the Empire State building snatching at airplanes.
she got an actual size tattoo of the projects on her butt.
that when she drives on the interstate, she has to stop at the weigh station.
when she jumps off the high dive she shows up on radar.
uses a freeway for a slip and slide.
her belt size is equator.
that people wish to buy food 100% ”Yo Mama Free”
they won’t allow her on most bridges.