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Jewish jokes


What’s the difference between a Jewish mother and a rottweiler?

The rottweiler lets go after their dead.

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Joke #377 posted in the category: Jewish jokes.

An old lady is boarding a plane with her dog in a cage to go to

isreal. The plane attendant says, ”I am sorry ma’am, you can’t

bring that dog on the plane it will have to go with the cargo.”

She tries to explain to the man that the dog won’t bark

becase... and she is rudely interupted by the attendant saying ”I

am sorry, no exceptions.”

So she does what he says, and she arives in Isreal. The people

are unpacking the cargo to find that the dog is dead. They

search all over town for an identical dog. after about 3 hours

of waiting, the man brings out this women’s dog, barking and

hollering.

The women says, ”sir, this isn’t my dog.” The man goes ”of

course it is it looks exactly like it.”

The women goes, ”no sir my dog was dead I was coming to isreal

to bury it.”

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Joke #2124 posted in the category: Jewish jokes.

Sir Chicken Matthews

A Sunday League Jewish football team is desperate for players. So desperate in fact that one Sunday they are forced to play a kosher chicken in their team.

Rather surprisingly, the chicken has a brilliant first half. One minute it’s clearing off its own line, the next its threading the perfect through ball, the next putting in a perfect cross.

At half time all its team-mates are very pleased and everyone runs back onto the pitch for the second half. On the way back, the referee starts chatting with the chicken.

”Great first half mate, you must be really fit”.

”Thanks,” said the chicken, ”I try to keep myself fit but its difficult finding the time so I try to do an hour in the gym each morning before work”.

”What do you do then?” asked the referee.

”I’m a chartered accountant” replies the chicken. At which point the referee immediately brandishes the red card and sends the chicken off. The concerned team-mates gather round the ref. and start complaining.

”Sorry lads”, says the ref. , ...... ”I had no choice - Professional Fowl”

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Joke #3546 posted in the category: Jewish jokes.

The chicken inspector

[My thanks to The IrRev. John B for the following]

Freda walks into MINKOFF THE BUTCHER and asks Harry for the freshest chicken he has. So Harry pulls out a chicken for her to inspect. Freda immediately gets to work. She starts by looking it over inside and out. She then sniffs it at both ends and continues to sniff all around it. Finally, she puts her nose inside the body cavity. Then Freda hands the chicken back to Harry and says, ”You call this a fresh chicken?”

”Mrs Cohen,” replies Harry, ”you could pass such an inspection?”

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Joke #3547 posted in the category: Jewish jokes.

Rivkah, a little old lady get on an El Al flight to Israel. She’s carrying a bag, a purse and a little dog in a box. She sits down and puts the box on the seat next to her. A stewardess approaches Rivkah and says, ”I’m sorry Madam, but you can’t keep the dog here. I’ll have to take it and put it in baggage.” Rivkah agrees. What else can she do? During the flight, the stewardess looks in on the little dog, and Oy Gevult, the dog is dead. She informs the pilot who notifies Tel Aviv airport who tells the director who decides that they will get an other dog to replace this one. The little old lady will never know. When the plane lands and Rivkah goes to the baggage hall to claim her box, they bring her a box with a new dog, an exact replica of her old dog. ”This is not my dog”, Rivkah exclaims.” Why yes it is,” the captain tells her. ”See, it has the same markings.” ”This is not my dog”, Rivkah insists.” How do you know this isn’t your dog?” asks the captain.” My dog is dead!”

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Joke #3958 posted in the category: Jewish jokes.

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