Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked the young programmer, ”And what starting salary were you looking for?” The programmer said, ”In the neighborhood of $150, 000 a year, depending on the benefit’s package.” The HR Person said, ”Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?” The programmer sat up straight and said, ”Wow!!! Are you kidding?” And the HR Person said, ”Certainly, ... but you started it.”-0+
A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods totaling a great deal of money. The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn’t been paid, so he asked his collections manager to leave a voice-mail for them saying, ”We can’t ship your new order until you pay for the last one. ” The next day the collections manager received a collect phone call, ”Please cancel the order. We can’t wait that long. ”-0+
Thoughts and stories from on the job
My boss came in one morning and caught me hugging my secretary. He said in a rage, ”Is this what you get paid for?” I told him, ”Nope! I do this for free.”
This same boss was into all this dumb inspirational and motivation stuff too. I remember once he posted a sign which read ”Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.” I couldn’t resist and added a note: ”And now you know why too”.
Once I came upon this pretty new temp standing in front of the paper shredder with a confused look on her face. I asked if she needed any help and she said, ”Yeah, how does this thing work?” I took the papers from her hand and demonstrated how to work the shredder. She stood there a moment with yet another confused expression, so I said, ”Any questions?” She said, ”Yeah, exactly where do the copies come out from?”
People always say that hard work never killed anybody. Oh yeah??? When’s the last time ya ever heard of anyone who ”rested to death”.
Being punctual in our Office was of no benefit what-so-ever. There was never anybody around to appreciate it.
Our Office was always on the cutting edge of technology. Not only did we have computers which spoke as well as listened; Hell, some of them even got ulcers.
Did ya ever notice the people who complain the most about not having enough time to do all their work are the same ones who always stop & tell everyone that they don’t have enuff time to do all their work.
You Know it’s Your Last Day at Work When...
You hand a bank teller an envelope, and when she asks, ”What’s this?” , you
realize you just dropped the company’s deposit in a mailbox. A woman comes
into the store, you turn to the other salesman and say, ”I waited on the
last fat ugly old lady. This one’s your turn”. Your boss was standing behind
you. It’s his wife.
While your boss is at lunch, you sneek in and look at some confidential
imformation on his computer. You spill coffee on the keyboard. It shorts
You return from a week’s vacation to find that you had scheduled *this* week
as vacation, not last week.
You take a ”sick” day. The next morning the boss asks you, ”So, how was the
fishing on Rock Creek yesterday?” .
You wake up hung over. You have a black eye and barked knuckles. Your
underwear is missing. You’re in jail. Last night was the company Christmas
Today in the Stock Market:
Helium was up, feathers were down.
Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
Knives were up sharply.
Cow steered into a bull market.
Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
Diapers remain unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.