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Jokes about bars, beer and booze


One day, a farmer walked into a bar and asked the bartender for the strongest thing in the bar.

”What’s wrong, fella?” asked the bartender.

”Some things you just can’t explain.”

”Try me.”

”Okay. I was milking my cow this morning and I filled the bucket clear to the top. Then the dumb cow knocked it down with her left leg, so I grabbed some string and ties her left leg up. Then I milked her again and the stupid cow knocked it down with her right leg. So I grabbed some string and tied up her right leg. I then milked her again and the cow knocked it down with her tail. But this time I was out of string, so I decided to use my belt, so I tied it up with my belt. Just then my pants fell down and my wife walked in.”

”You’re right,” said the bartender. ”Some things you just can’t explain.”

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Joke #579 posted in the category: Jokes about bars, beer and booze.

A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He put the alligator up on the bar and turned to the astonished patrons. ”I’ll make you a deal. I’ll open this alligator’s mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.” The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator’s open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genital, unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer.

”I’ll pay anyone $100 who’s willing to give it a try.” A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

A woman timidly spoke up, ”I’ll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle.”

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Joke #654 posted in the category: Jokes about bars, beer and booze.

A donkey walks into a bar and sits down next to a really attractive young lady, orders a brew and turns to the young woman and asks her ”Do you dates asses?”

The young lady thinks for a while about the men in her life and why she was sitting here in a bar all alone...... She responds ”As a matter of fact I do.”

The donkey takes a long drink of his beer and then stands up and turns around and says ”Great! How old is mine?”

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Joke #684 posted in the category: Jokes about bars, beer and booze.

A man walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat and sits at the bar. The bartender walks over to them and says, ”What can I get for you?”

The man says ”I’ll have a beer”, the ostrich says, ”I’ll have a beer”, and the cat says, ”I’ll have half a beer and I’m not buying.” So the bartender says, ”OK, that will be $3. 87.”

The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him. About an hour later the bartender goes back over to them and says, ”What’ll you guys have?”

The man says, ”I’ll have a beer”, the ostrich says, ”I’ll have a beer”, and the cat says ”I’ll have half a beer and I’m not buying.” The bartender gets them their beer and says ”That’ll be $3. 87.”

The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him. A couple of days later they come back into the bar and the bartender walks over and asks ”What do you guys want today?”

The man says, ”I’ll have a scotch”, the ostrich says, ”I’ll have a bourbon”, and the cat says, ”I’ll have half a beer and I’m not buying.” So the bartender says ”OK, that will be $7. 53.” The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him.

The bartender’s curiosity got the best of him and he asks, ”Why is it that every time I tell you the amount you owe you always have the exact change in you pocket?”

The man said, ”I found a bottle with a genie in it and she granted me 3 wishes. My first wish was that I always have the exact change in my pocket for anything I buy.”

The bartender says, ”That’s a great wish... better than asking for a million dollars. A million dollars will run out but that never will. What were your other 2 wishes?”

The man says, ”That’s where I screwed up. I asked for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy.”

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Joke #706 posted in the category: Jokes about bars, beer and booze.

A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender ” can i have some fish and chips”, the bartender replies ” i don’t serve fish and chips and i don’t serve ducks” so the duck leaves.

fifteen minutes later the duck returns and says ” can i have some fish and chips”, the bartender replies ” i said i don’t serve fish and chips and i don’t serve ducks and if you come in again i’ll nail your feet to the floor” so the duck leaves again.

another fifteen minutes later the duck walks in again and says ” do you have any nails”, the bartender replies ”no i don’t” then the duck says ”can i have some fish and chips”.

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Joke #720 posted in the category: Jokes about bars, beer and booze.

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