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Thoughts and stories from on the job

My boss came in one morning and caught me hugging my secretary. He said in a rage, ”Is this what you get paid for?” I told him, ”Nope! I do this for free.”

This same boss was into all this dumb inspirational and motivation stuff too. I remember once he posted a sign which read ”Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.” I couldn’t resist and added a note: ”And now you know why too”.

Once I came upon this pretty new temp standing in front of the paper shredder with a confused look on her face. I asked if she needed any help and she said, ”Yeah, how does this thing work?” I took the papers from her hand and demonstrated how to work the shredder. She stood there a moment with yet another confused expression, so I said, ”Any questions?” She said, ”Yeah, exactly where do the copies come out from?”

People always say that hard work never killed anybody. Oh yeah??? When’s the last time ya ever heard of anyone who ”rested to death”.

Being punctual in our Office was of no benefit what-so-ever. There was never anybody around to appreciate it.

Our Office was always on the cutting edge of technology. Not only did we have computers which spoke as well as listened; Hell, some of them even got ulcers.

Did ya ever notice the people who complain the most about not having enough time to do all their work are the same ones who always stop & tell everyone that they don’t have enuff time to do all their work.

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Joke #12317 posted in the category: Jokes about job.

You Know it’s Your Last Day at Work When...

You hand a bank teller an envelope, and when she asks, ”What’s this?” , you

realize you just dropped the company’s deposit in a mailbox. A woman comes

into the store, you turn to the other salesman and say, ”I waited on the

last fat ugly old lady. This one’s your turn”. Your boss was standing behind

you. It’s his wife.

While your boss is at lunch, you sneek in and look at some confidential

imformation on his computer. You spill coffee on the keyboard. It shorts

out.

You return from a week’s vacation to find that you had scheduled *this* week

as vacation, not last week.

You take a ”sick” day. The next morning the boss asks you, ”So, how was the

fishing on Rock Creek yesterday?” .

You wake up hung over. You have a black eye and barked knuckles. Your

underwear is missing. You’re in jail. Last night was the company Christmas

party.

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Joke #12319 posted in the category: Jokes about job.

Today in the Stock Market:

Helium was up, feathers were down.

Paper was stationary.

Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.

Knives were up sharply.

Cow steered into a bull market.

Pencils lost a few points.

Hiking equipment was trailing.

Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.

Weights were up in heavy trading.

Light switches were off.

Mining equipment hit rock bottom.

Diapers remain unchanged.

Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.

The market for raisins dried up.

Coca Cola fizzled.

Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.

Sun peaked at midday.

Balloon prices were inflated.

And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.

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Joke #12320 posted in the category: Jokes about job.

|Four workers were discussing how smart their dogs were. The first was an engineer who said his dog could do math calculations. His dog was named ”T-Square”, and he told him to get some paper and draw a square, a circle and a triangle, which the dog did with no sweat. The accountant said he thought his dog was better. His dog was named ”Slide Rule”. He told him to fetch a dozen cookies, bring them back, and divide them into piles of three, which he did with no problem. The chemist said that was good, but he felt his dog was better. His dog ”Measure” was told to get a quart of milk and pour seven ounces into a ten ounce glass. The dog did this with no problem. All three men agreed this was very good and that their dogs were equally smart. They all turned to the union member and said, ”What can your dog do?” . The Teamster called his dog whose name was ”Coffee Break” and said, ”Show the fellows what you can do”. Coffee Break went over and ate the cookies, drank the milk, went to the bathroom on the paper, claimed he injured his back while eating, filed a grievance for unsafe working conditions, applied for Workmen’s Compensation and left for home on sick leave.

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Joke #12322 posted in the category: Jokes about job.

|Baxter ConnersVice PresidentCompany 203203 Wall St. New York, NY 10015Dear Mr. Conners, Thank you for your letter of February 17th. After careful consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your bank. This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals. Despite Company 203’s outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at this time. Therefore I will initiate employment with your firm immediately following graduation. I look forward to seeing you then. Sincerely, XXXXXXXX

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Joke #12323 posted in the category: Jokes about job.

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