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David Letterman presented an hour-by-hour account of a day in the life of Osama bin Laden: 7: 00 am: ”He wakes up and asks his assistant, `Am I still alive? `”8: 00 am: ”Has a nutritious breakfast of sand and dirt.” 10: 30 am: ”He takes his camel in for a tune-up at Mazar-e-Sharif Amoco.” 11: 30 am: ”Has trouble opening a jar of peanut butter; declares jihad against Skippy.” 1: 00 pm: ”Tae-Bo.” 1: 30 pm: ”Records a video demanding America surrender or else he`ll make another video demanding America surrender.” 2: 30 pm: ”He’s a celebrity judge at a wet burqa contest.” 3: 00 pm: ”Picks Mullah Omar’s name in this year’s Secret Santa drawing.” 4: 00 pm: ”Turns on CNN to closely study the moves of his opponents. Gets bored, switches to Oprah.” 5: 00 pm: ”Gets scolded for not taking out the trash by wives 3, 8, and 16.” 9: 00 pm: ”Plots strategy for upcoming week: cower underground like a spooked rat.” 12: 00 am: ”Kiss family goodnight. Kiss ass goodbye”

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Joke #30667 posted in the category: Letterman jokes.

Top 10 Questions Asked By Saddam Hussein When He Was Captured10. ”Be honest... have you ever seen a nicer spider hole than this?” 9. ”Who’s got a coat hanger -- this beard itches like a son of a bitch!” 8. ”Anyone have a mint?” 7. ”Is this about the illegal music downloads?” 6. ”Am I going to be on `Cops`?” 5. ”Which describes me better right now -- `haggard` or `grizzled`?” 4. ”How did you get past my impenetrable styrofoam brick?” 3. ”Do I get the 25-million-dollar reward?” 2. ”How’s the war going?” 1. ”Will you go easy on me if I tell you where Martha Stewart is hiding?”

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Joke #30821 posted in the category: Letterman jokes.

Top 10 reasons why David Letterman should not bone the help...

1› Then they want a raise.... I guess a second raise

2› Nasty stains on your desk

3› Performance Reviews have to include ”Flexibility”

4› Company picnics turn into ”woodsies”

5› The topic of orgies on every meeting agenda

6› Need a couch in your office for interviews

7› If you breakup you can fire them

8› If your not in the mood...... delegate!

9› Monthly performance reports have white stains

10› You used to be known as ”The Big Boss” and now everyone calls you ”Tiny”

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Joke #54742 posted in the category: Letterman jokes.

Letterman’s Top Ten List: Top Ten George W. Bush Complaints About ”Fahrenheit 9/11”:

10. That actor who played the President was totally unconvincing

9. It oversimplified the way I stole the election

8. Too many of them fancy college-boy words

7. If Michael Moore had waited a few months, he could have included the part where I get him deported

6. Didn’t have one of them hilarious monkeys who smoke cigarettes and gives people the finger

5. Of all Michael Moore’s accusations, only 97% are true

4. Not sure - - I passed out after a piece of popcorn lodged in my windpipe

3. Where the hell was Spider-man?

2. Couldn’t hear most of the movie over Cheney’s foul mouth

1. I thought this was supposed to be about dodgeball.

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Joke #95789 posted in the category: Letterman jokes.

Letterman - Top 10 Dumb Guy Complaints About ”The Lord of the Rings”10. ”I expected something, you know, more Hobbity”9. ”`Middle Earth` scenes clearly shot on regular Earth”8. ”It was real long and not a cartoon”7. ”Accidentally put butter on my Twizzlers”6. ”My name is Stu -- how come there aren’t any Hobbits named Stu?” 5. ”Where the hell is Chewbacca?” 4. ”If they`re going to have magic, why not bring back the rapping kangaroo?” 3. ”Couldn’t focus on movie -- kept thinking about how I blew all my money on the Giants”2. ”I kept trying to talk to Frodo, but he ignored me like he’s `all that`”1. ”I haven’t seen it yet -- I’m too busy governing California”

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Joke #102016 posted in the category: Letterman jokes.

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