Yes, parenthood changes everything. But parenthood also changes with each baby. Here, some of the ways having a second and third child differs from having your first:
- 1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
- 2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
- 3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
The Baby’s Name
- 1st baby: You pore over baby-name books and practice pronouncing and writing combinations of all your favorites.
- 2nd baby: Someone has to name his or her kid after your great-aunt Mavis, right? It might as well be you.
- 3rd baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and see where your finger points.
Preparing for the Birth
- 1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
- 2nd baby: You don’t bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn’t do a thing.
- 3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.
- 1st baby: You pre-wash your newborn’s clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby’s little bureau.
- 2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
- 3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can’t they?
- 1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick up the baby.
- 2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
- 3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.
- 1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
- 2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
- 3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.
- 1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home 5 times.
- 2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
- 3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.
- 1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
- 2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older child isn’t squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
- 3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.
Applied mathematicsROMANCE MATHEMATICSSmart man + smart woman = romanceSmart man + dumb woman = affairDumb man + smart woman = marriageDumb man + dumb woman = pregnancyOFFICE ARITHMETICSmart boss + smart employee = profitSmart boss + dumb employee = productionDumb boss + smart employee = promotionDumb boss + dumb employee = overtimeSHOPPING MATHA man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need. GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICSA woman worries about the future until she gets a husbandA man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. HAPPINESSTo be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all. LONGEVITYMarried men live longer than single men, butmarried men are a lot more willing to die. MEMORYAny married man should forget his mistakes, there’s no use in two people remembering the same thing. APPEARANCEMen wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night. PROPENSITY TO CHANGEA woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she does. DISCUSSION TECHNIQUEA woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. COMPREHENSIONThere are 2 times when a man doesn’t understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage. HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED: Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, ”You`re next.” They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.-0+
1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set
2. A day without sunshine is like, night.
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
4. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
5. 42. 7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
7. I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
8. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
9. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges
10. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
11. Remember half the people you know are below average.
12. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
13. Nothing is fool-proof to a talented fool.
14. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
15. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
16. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
17. Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
18. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
19. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
20. I intend to live forever - so far so good.
21. Borrow money from a pessimist - they don’t expect it back.
22. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
23. My mind is like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states.
24. Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
25. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
26. Support bacteria - they’re the only culture some people have.
27. When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.
28. If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
29. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
30. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
31. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
32. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks
33. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
34. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
35. Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
36. The colder the x-ray table the more of your body is required on it.
37. The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
38. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
39. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
40. To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
41. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
42. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
43. Two wrongs are only the beginning.
44. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
45. The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.
46. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
47. Change is inevitable except from vending machines.
48. Get a new car for your spouse - it’ll be a great trade!
49. Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.
50. Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
51. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
52. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...
53. Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
54. If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving isn’t for you.
The Life of an Egg
If you think life is bad....... How would you like to be an egg?
* You only get laid once.
* You only get eaten once.
* It takes 4 minutes to get hard.
* Only 2 minutes to get soft.
* You share your box with 11 other guys.
* But worst of all.....
* The only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother.
So cheer up..... Your life ain’t that bad!!!
Pass it around to someone who you feel can use a good lay, I mean day.