A sailor who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The sailor’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the sailor turned to the priest and asked,
”Say, Father, what causes arthritis?”
”Mister, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man.”
”Well, I’ll be damned,” the sailor muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the seaman and apologized. ”I’m very sorry. I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?”
”I don’t have it, Father. I was just reading here that the pope does.”
A man goes to his doctor and says, ”Doctor, Doctor, please help me! I’ve got a problem.” The doctor examines the man and finds the man has a red ring around his penis. The doctor gives him an ointment to rub on the problem area.
”It’s all cleared up!” the man reports when he returns. ”But what was that medication you gave me?”
Why can’t women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why don’t you ever see the headline ’Psychic Wins Lottery’?
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
Why is it that doctors call what they do ’practice’?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on ’Start’?
Why is it that when you’re driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavour, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why isn’t there a special name for the tops of your feet?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavoured cat food?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes?
Why can’t they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
While undressing for bed one night, good ole Bill notices something like a red rash around his you know what. Alarmed, he thinks, ”I can’t let Hillary see this!” He makes an appointment to see his doctor at Bethesda Naval Hospital, the very next day. ”Doc,” he says, ”I’ve got this red ring around my, you know. What is it and how do I get rid of it?” The doctor says, ”Well, I’m not exactly sure what it is, but take these pills for a week, and see if that takes care of it. If not, come back and we’ll try something else.” Bill takes the pills for a week but unfortunately, the red ring is still there after 7 days. He goes back to the doctor and tells him the pills didn’t help. So the doctor prescribes another medication, capsules this time, and gives him the same instructions. Take them for a week, and come back if it’s not improved. He takes the capsules for a week, and damn, the red ring is still there! So he goes back to the doctor and asks,” What next?” The doctor gives him a cream in a tube this time. ”Rub this on every day for a week and let me know.” Bill goes back in a week and says, ”Great news Doc! The rash is gone! That stuff in the tube was wonderful! What was it?” The doctor replied, ”Lipstick remover.”-0+