One fall day Bill was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse was a second hearse, which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file.
Intrigued, Bill went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse.” My wife,” the man replied. ”I’m sorry,” said Bill.” What happened to her?” ”My dog bit her and she died.”
Bill then asked the man who was in the second hearse. The man replied, ”My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well.” Bill thought about this for a while. He finally asked the man, ”Can I borrow your dog?”
To which the man replied, ”Get in line.”
Scott took his blind date to the carnival. ”What would you like to do
first, Mary?” asked Scott.
”I want to get weighed,” she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser.
He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale, it read 117 and she won a
Next the couple went on the Ferris wheel. When the ride was over, Scott
again asked Mary what she would like to do.
”I want to get weighed,” she said. Back to the weight guesser they went.
Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Scott
lost his dollar.
The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to go next.
”I want to get weighed,” she responded.
By this time, Scott figured she was really weird and took her home early,
dropping her off with a handshake.
Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, ”How’d it go?”
Mary responded, ”Oh, Waura, it was wousy, he just wouldn’t way me.
Farmer Jake had a nagging wife who made his life miserable. The only real peace that he got was when he was out in the field plowing. One day when he was out in the field, Jake’s wife brought his lunch to him.
Then she stayed while he quietly ate and berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining. Suddenly, Jake’s old mule kicked up his back legs, striking the wife in the head, and killing her instantly.
At the wake, Jake’s minister noticed that when the women offered sympathy to Jake he would nod his head up and down. But when the men came up and spoke quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to side.
When the wake was over and all the mourners had left, the minister approached Jake and asked, ”Why was it that you nodded your head up and down to all the women and shook your head from side to side to all the men?”
”Well,” Jake replied, ”The women all said how nice she looked, and her dress was so pretty, so I agreed by nodding my head up and down. The men all asked, ”Is that mule for sale!?”
A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.
”Well, it was like this,” said the man, ”I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife’s golf ball--stuck right in the middle of the cow’s butt. That’s when I made my mistake.”
”What did you do?” asks the doctor.
”Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, ’Hey, this looks like yours!’ ”
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing ”Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says ”I’m sending out 1, 000 Valentine cards signed, ’Guess who?’ ” ”But why?” asks the man. ”I’m a divorce lawyer.