A man walks into a bar and says ”Bartender gimme a triple shot of Jack”.
The bartender pours, and the man downs it, slams the glass on the bar and says ”Another”.
The bartender pours another. The man downs it and says ”Another”.
As the bartender pours the third glass he says, ”Mister you drink like you have a problem. Want to talk about it?”
The man says, ”Ten years, ten years I’ve been married to my wife, and today I go home a little early to surprise her, and I find my best friend, MY BEST FRIEND, in bed having sex with her.”
The bartender says ”Geez, what did you say.”
The man says ” I told him, BAD DOG! BAD DOG!”
A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: ”This bull mated 50 times last year.” The wife turns to her husband and says, ”He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him.”
They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: ”This bull mated 65 times last year.” The wife turns to her husband and says, ”This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also.”
They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: ”This bull mated 365 times last year.” The wife’s mouth drops open and says, ”WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one.”
The man turns to his wife and says, ”Go up and inquire if it was 365 times with the same cow.”
A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia.
The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found absolutely nothing physically wrong with him, and then told him, ”Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your troubles to bed with you.”
”I know” said the man, ”but I can’t. My wife refuses to sleep alone.”
A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. ”I’m sorry, Sir, but I am blind and can’t read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer, I’ll smell it and order from there.” A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty pile and picks up a greasy fork. he returns to the blind man’s table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.
”Ah, yes, that’s what I’ll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes.”
Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner’s wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.
Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakingly brings him a menu again. ”Sir, remember me? I’m the blind man.” ”I’m sorry, I didn’t recognize you. I’ll go get you a dirty fork.” The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, ”That smells great, I’ll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli.” Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he’s going to test him. The blind man eats and leaves.
He returns the following week, but this time the owner see’s him coming and runs to the kitchen.
He tells his wife, ”Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man.” Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. ”Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you.” The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, ”Hey, I didn’t know that Mary worked here?”
A man walked into a therapist’s office looking very depressed. ”Doc, you’ve got to help me. I can’t go on like this.”
”What’s the problem?” the docotor inquired.
”Well, I’m 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away.”
”My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you’ll have women buzzing all around you.”
The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face.
”Did my advice not work?” asked the doctor.
”It worked alright. For the past several weeks I’ve enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women.”
”So, what’s your problem?”
”I don’t have a problem,” the man replied. ”My wife does.”