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Men vs Women jokes


One fall day Bill was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse was a second hearse, which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file.

Intrigued, Bill went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse.” My wife,” the man replied. ”I’m sorry,” said Bill.” What happened to her?” ”My dog bit her and she died.”

Bill then asked the man who was in the second hearse. The man replied, ”My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well.” Bill thought about this for a while. He finally asked the man, ”Can I borrow your dog?”

To which the man replied, ”Get in line.”

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Joke #96 posted in the category: Men vs Women jokes.

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.

”Well, it was like this,” said the man, ”I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife’s golf ball--stuck right in the middle of the cow’s butt. That’s when I made my mistake.”

”What did you do?” asks the doctor.

”Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, ’Hey, this looks like yours!’ ”

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Joke #794 posted in the category: Men vs Women jokes.

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the princess’ lap and said: ”Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am, and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in yon castle with my Mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy, doing so.”

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sauteed frog legs, seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought: ”I don’t fuckin’ THINK so....”

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Joke #1690 posted in the category: Men vs Women jokes.

Two soldiers were having a chat during their free time.

First Soldier: Why did you join the army?

Second Soldier: I didn’t have a wife and I loved war. So I joined. How about you? Why did you join the army?

First Soldier: I had a wife and I loved peace. So I joined.

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Joke #1699 posted in the category: Men vs Women jokes.

The 5 questions most feared by men are:

1. What are you thinking about?

2. Do you love me?

3. Do I look fat in this?

4. Do you think she is prettier than me?

5. What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i. e. , tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.

Question # 1: What are you thinking about? The proper answer to this, of course, is: ” I’m sorry if I’ve been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you.” This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:

a. Football.

b. Golf.

c. How fat you are.

d. How much prettier she is than you

e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, ”If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!”

Question # 2: Do you love me? The proper response is: ”YES!” or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, ”Yes, dear.”

Inappropriate responses include:

a. Oh Yeah, sh@*-loads.

b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?

c. That depends on what you mean by love.

d. Does it matter?

e. Who, me?

Question # 3: Do I look fat?

The correct answer is an emphatic: ”Of course not!” Among the incorrect answers are:

a. Compared to what?

b. I wouldn’t call you fat, but you’re not exactly thin.

c. A little extra weight looks good on you.

d. I’ve seen fatter.

e. Sorry what did you say? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 4: Do you think she’s prettier than me?

Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: ”Of course not!” Incorrect responses include:

a. Yes, but you have a better personality

b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner

c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age

d. Define pretty

e. Sorry what did you say? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 5: What would you do if I died? A definite no-win question. (The real answer, of course, is ”Buy a Lotus and a Boat”).

No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:

WOMAN: Would you get married again?

MAN: Definitely not!

WOMAN: Why not - don’t you like being married?

MAN: Of course I do.

WOMAN: Then why wouldn’t you remarry?

MAN: Okay, I’d get married again.

WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)

MAN: (makes audible groan)

WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?

MAN: Where else would we sleep?

WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?

MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.

WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?

MAN: She can’t use them; she’s left-handed.

WOMAN: - - - silence - - -

MAN: Sh & %.

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Joke #2579 posted in the category: Men vs Women jokes.

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