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At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: ”If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon.” In response to Bill’s comments, General Motors issued a press release stating (by Mr. Welch himself): If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought ”Car95” or ”CarNT.” But then you would have to buy more seats.

6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five per cent of the roads.

7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single ”general car default” warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

9. The airbag system would say ”Are you sure?” before going off.

10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.

11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car’s performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.

12. Every time GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how

to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

13. You’d press the ”start” button to shut off the engine.

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Joke #8642 posted in the category: Microsoft jokes.

At the time of writing, Microsoft’s slogan for Windows 95 was ”Where do you want to go today?” These are some alternative and probably more truthful ad slogans for use with Windows.

1. Microsoft gives you Windows - OS/2 give you the whole house.

2. A computer without Windows is like a fish without a bicycle.

3. Windows and DOS: A turtle and its shell.

4. Bang on the left side of your computer to restart Windows.

5. Windows: The colorful clown suit for DOS.

6. Error #152 - Windows not found: (C)heer (P)arty (D)ance.

7. Windows 3. 1: The best $89 solitaire game you can buy.

8. Windows NT: Insert wallet into Drive A: and press any key to empty.

9. I’ll never forget the first time I ran Windows, but I’m trying.

10. I still miss Windows, but my aim is getting better

11. My lastest screen-saver: Curtains for Windows.

12. Double your drive space: Delete Windows!

13. OS/2. Opens up Windows, shuts up Gates.

14. Out of disk space. Delete Windows? [Y]es [A]solutely [O]f Course!

15. How do you want to crash today?

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Joke #12059 posted in the category: Microsoft jokes.

Microsoft (Nasdaq: MSFT) announced that it is selling advertising space in the error messages that appear in Windows.

Acknowledging for the first time that the average user of their operating system encounters error messages at least several times a day, Microsoft is trying to take financial advantage of the unavoidable opportunity to make an ad impression.

”We estimate that throughout the world at any given moment several million people are getting a ’General Protection Fault’ or ’Illegal Operation’ warning.

We will be able to generate significant revenue by including a short advertising message along with it,” said Microsoft marketing director Nathan Mirror.

He also mentioned that Microsoft is intended to add banner ads into its Blue Screen of Death in the near future.

The Justice Department immediately indicated that they intend to investigate whether Microsoft is gaining an unfair advantage in reaching the public with this advertising by virtue of its semi-monopolistic control over error messages.

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Joke #12060 posted in the category: Microsoft jokes.

After first seeing Microsoft’s slogan for its upcoming Windows XP operating system, ”it just works”, I couldn’t help wondering: what were the slogans for all the previous releases? After thinking about it for a while, they became obvious.

Windows 1. 0: Good joke, eh?

Windows 2. 0: Still funny, isn’t it?

Windows 2. 8. 6: Yeah, we’re still kidding.

Windows 3. 8. 6: Going boldly where Desqview has been for years.

Windows 3. 0: It’s finally worth buying!

Windows 3. 1: It’s finally worth using!

Windows 95: Going boldly where the Mac has been for years.

Windows 98: More usable! Less stable!

Windows 98SE: More stable! Less usable!

Windows ME: Less usable AND less stable!

NT 1. 0: Give me more hardware! NOW!!!

NT 2. 0: Dammit, I said MORE HARDWARE!!! NOW!!!!

NT 3. 0: Which part of ”more hardware” do you not understand?

NT 3. 5: With enough hardware, I’d work. Honest.

NT 4. 0: Does less than Win98 with twice the hardware at one-half the speed.

Windows 2K: Works almost as well as Windows 98! Honest!

Windows XP: It just works.

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Joke #12061 posted in the category: Microsoft jokes.

At the time of writing, Microsoft’s slogan for Windows 95 was ”Where do you want to go today?” These are some alternative and probably more truthful ad slogans for use with Windows. 13. OS/2. Opens up Windows, shuts up Gates.

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Joke #12063 posted in the category: Microsoft jokes.

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