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Military training:

During camouflage training in Louisiana, a private disguised as a tree trunk had made a sudden move that was spotted by a visiting general.

”You simpleton!” the officer barked. ”Don’t you know that by jumping and yelling the way you did, you could have endangered the lives of the entire company?”

”Yes sir,” the solder answered apologetically. ”But, if I may say so, I did stand still when a flock of pigeons used me for target practice and I never moved a muscle when a large dog peed on my lower branches but when two squirrels ran up my pants leg and I heard the bigger say,

”Let’s eat one now and save the other until winter’ ---that did it!”

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Joke #1159 posted in the category: Military jokes.

An Army Ranger was on holiday in the depths

of

Louisiana, where he tried to buy some Alligator shoes. However,

he was

not prepared to pay the high prices. After failing to haggle

the vendor

down to a reasonable price level, he ended up shouting

”I don’t give

two hoots for your shoes, man, I’ll go and kill my

own!”

The shopkeeper replied, ”By all means. Just watch out for the

two

Marines who are doing the same.

”So the Ranger went out into

the Bayou, and after a while saw two men

with spears, standing

still in the water. ”They must be the two

Marines,” he thought. Just at

that point he noticed an alligator moving in

the water towards one

of them. The Marine stood completely passive, even

as the gator

came ever closer. Just as the beast was about to swallow

him, the

Marine struck home with his spear and wrestled the gator up

onto the

beach, where several already lay. Together the two Marines threw

nthe gator onto its back, whereupon one exclaimed ”Damn! This one

doesn’t have any shoes either!”

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Joke #1185 posted in the category: Military jokes.

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R & R and was on a train bound for London.
The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle-aged lady and was being used by her little dog.
The war-weary soldier asked, ”Please, ma’am, may I sit in that seat?”
The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, ”You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can’t you see my little Fifi is using that seat?”
The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.
Again he asked, ”Please, lady. May I sit there? I’m very tired.”
The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, ”You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!”
The soldier didn’t say anything else. He leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.
The woman shrieked and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier. An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, ”You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.
You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you’ve thrown the wrong bitch out of the window.”

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Joke #1667 posted in the category: Military jokes.

A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted mens barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, ”What’s the camel for?” .

The Sergeant replied ”Well sir it’s a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel.”

The captain said ”Well if it’s good for moral, then I guess it’s all right with me.”

After he had been at the fort for about 6 months the captain could not stand it any more so he told his Sergeant, ”BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!”

The sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captains quarters. The captain got a foot stool & proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool, and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sergeant, ”Is that how the enlisted men do it?”

The Sergeant replied, ”Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town.”

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Joke #2980 posted in the category: Military jokes.

Flash - New Weapon in America’s Arsenal - Dubbed ’The Chicken Gun’

Senate majority leader Howard H. Baker Jr. , expressed astonishment to the Senate, over recent news accounts of an Air Force ”chicken gun.”

It seems the gun is a converted 20-foot cannon capable of hurling dead four-pound chickens at airplanes at 700 miles per hour... The armament is used to help find ways to reduce accidents caused by jets hitting birds.

”My first reaction to this story was one of bitterness,” Baker told colleagues.

”I wonder why a ’special classified briefing’ had not been set up for members of Congress on the new chicken gun and I wondered if Secretary of Defense Casper Weinberger was planning one.”

Baker also wondered aloud ”how far along the Soviet Union is with the deployment of their ’chicken gun’, and how will our Minuteman, Midgetman and Sparrow missles get along with this new weapon...”

Baker went on to wonder if the Navy might be working on it’s own version of ’the chicken gun’, ”which would be, one assumes, a ’chicken of the sea’.”

Baker congratulated the Air Force ”on it’s resourcefulness.”

”Despite the fact that there will no doubt be those that will be skeptical of such research, I for one, see nothing more involved than a little ’fowl’ play,” Baker replied...

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Joke #3564 posted in the category: Military jokes.

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