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WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (The actual AP headline)

Linda Burnett, 23, was visiting her in-laws, and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.

One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda’s eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she’d been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.

A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.

And, yes, Linda is a blonde.

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Joke #1825 posted in the category: Murder jokes.

1991 -- A Montana State University chemistry professor claimed in March that he was wrongfully accused of being drunk after an accident (which occurred while he was on work-release for a previous (drunk driving sentence). While a state trooper found him ”highly intoxicated,” the professor said a chemical explosion in his lab caused him to smell and act drunk and that his statement to the trooper about having consumed a six-pack of beer was merely incoherent babbling” because of the trauma of the accident.

1992 -- Steven L. Johnson, 40, sentenced to two years in prison in Brookings, S. D. , in April for drunk driving, explained to the judge: ”I enjoyed drinking while driving. It’s one of the most pleasurable habits I’ve had.”

1993 -- Only days apart, two Wisconsin men arrived in court drunk for their trials on drunken-driving charges. Both denied they had been drunk while driving, and both denied they were drunk in the courtroom. James Heard had a 0. 26 blood-alcohol level on his trial day in Milwaukee, and John Newbury registered 0. 22 at his LaCrosse trial both more than double the 0. 10 legal maximum.

1992 -- A jury in Tavares, Fla. , convicted Leal Fleming, 45, of drunk driving in November despite his insistence that the reason he slurred his words to a police officer, and couldn’t breathe into a machine, was that he had just been bitten on the tongue by a rat snake and was on his way to a hospital to get treatment for the swelling. Said Fleming after the trial, ”After the verdict came in, I had some second thoughts [about not taking an offered plea bargain], but I still think there was a point to our defense.”

1992 -- THE DIMINISHING VALUE OF LIFE In Miami in August, Levon Howard lost a shootout with his roommate Edwin Heyliger, who was charged with murder. Howard had broken into Heyliger’s room, angry that someone had drunk his Kool-Aid, and in the ensuing argument, both scrambled for guns.

1991 -- In Romford, England, Philip Pyne, 51, off work last summer and intending to do some heavy drinking but worried that he might fall off his bar stool if he got too drunk, attempted to tack his legs onto the stool with nails but abandoned the idea in pain and called an ambulance.

1992 -- A pedestrian recently won a $600, 000 judgment against Metro (the Washington, D. C. , transportation authority) after being hit by a bus, despite the fact that he was drunk at the time and partying on a public street in a Batman costume. For the entire duration of the trial, the man’s lawyer was able to suppress from the jurors’ ears another fact about his client: At the time of the collision, for some reason, he was wearing a condom.

1991 -- St. Louis juror Frederick Pinkins was sentenced to three days in jail and a $700 fine for contempt of court in April after he missed final deliberations in a murder trial. He told the judge that the jury’s discussion (in a lover’s triangle case) depressed him so much that he got drunk and overslept.

1995 -- In May, over the opposition of state Sen. Joe Neal, the Nevada Senate passed a bill to prohibit people from carrying guns while drunk. Neal argued that the bill would hurt activities of gun clubs, some of which permit drinking during target-shooting socials.

1994 -- In February, William James Silva, 44, was arrested in San Jose, Calif. , when he allegedly robbed a police decoy posing as a street corner drunk. It was the 550th time Silva had been arrested, and his record reaches 127 feet of computer paper. (According to police, before robbing the decoy, Silva had argued with a friend about whether the man was a police officer, with Silva insisting he wasn’t. )

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Joke #7694 posted in the category: Murder jokes.

Prosecutor: Did you kill the victim? Defendant: No, I did not. Prosecutor: Do you know what the penalties are for perjury? Defendant: Yes, I do. And they’re a hell of a lot better than the penalty for murder.

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Joke #65850 posted in the category: Murder jokes.

A guy was on trial for murder and if convicted, would get the electric chair. His brother found out that a red neck was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He told the red neck that he would be paid $10, 000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter.
The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter.

After the trial, the brother went to the red neck’s house, told him what a great job he had done and paid him the $10, 000.

The red neck replied that it wasn’t easy to convince the rest of the jury to change the charge to manslaughter. They all wanted to let him go.

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Joke #75147 posted in the category: Murder jokes.

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so a blonde went in to try out for the job. ”Okay,” the sheriff drawled, ”what is 1 and 1?”

”Eleven,” she replied.

The sheriff thought to himself, ”That’s not what I meant, but she’s right.” ”What two days of the week start with the letter ’T’?”

”Today and tomorrow.”

He was again surprised that the blonde supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.

”Now, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?”

The blonde looked a little surprised herself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, ”I don’t know.”

”Well, why don’t you go home and work on that one for a while?”

So, the blonde wandered over to the beauty parlor, where her pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. The blonde was exultant. ”It went great! First day on the job and I’m already working on a murder case!”

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Joke #75148 posted in the category: Murder jokes.

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