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New Year jokes


I will not flush the toilet while my human is in the shower.

I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for no reason after my humans watch a horror movie.

I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium.

I will not lean over to drink out of the tub, fall in, and then run screaming into the box of clumping cat litter.

I will not use the humans’ bathtub to store live mice for late-night snacks.

I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come home and barf them up so the humans can see that I’m getting plenty of roughage.

My human will never let me eat her pet rat, and I am at peace with that.

I will not help myself to Q-tips, and I will not attempt to stuff them down the drain to dispose of them.

I will not perch on my human’s chest in the middle of the night and stare into her eyes until she wakes up.

As fast as I am, I must remember that I cannot run through closed doors.

I will not back up off the front porch and fall into the bushes just as my human is explaining to his girlfriend how graceful I am.

I will remember that I am a walking static generator. My human does not need my help installing a new board in her computer.

Birds do not come from the bird feeder. I will not repeatedly knock it down and try to open it up to get the birds out.

I will remember that my human really will wake up and feed me. I do not have to pry his eyelids open with my claws.

I will remember that a warm pepperoni pizza is not a good place for a nap!

I will not hide behind the toilet so that I can pat the human on the backside when he sits down just to make him levitate.

I will not drag dirty socks up from the basement in the middle of the night, deposit them on the bed and yell at the top of my lungs so that my human can admire my ”kill.”

If I sit in the sink while my human is brushing his teeth, I will not get angry when he spits toothpaste on me.

I will not complain that my butt is wet and that I am thirsty after sitting in my water bowl.

I will not knead my male human’s groin at 3 AM with claws extended. It seems to cause him some discomfort and he wakes up all grumpy.

I will not attempt to stop the human’s snoring by sticking my paws into his mouth.

I will not use my psychic powers to project myself into my human’s dreams when I am hungry, causing her to dream that I am a talking cat, and I can say ”Where’s my supper!”

I will not run through the house with a condom wrapper in my mouth when my human’s grandmother is visiting.

I will not teach the parrot to meow in a loud and raucous manner.

When my young humans are playing with modeling clay, I will not remove solid waste from my litter tray and roll it onto the kitchen floor.

When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and attempt to catch them.

I will not display my worm collection on the kitchen floor on a rainy night. My human does not like finding it with her bare feet.

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Joke #3079 posted in the category: New Year jokes.

on new year eve, one family went to church for the preparation for the new year day. so before they came back the chicken they want to kill for the has escape so they trace the chicken to where they will find and find it on the roof of the church. the chicken was prayer that i would not die but to proclaim the work of the Lord.

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Joke #3549 posted in the category: New Year jokes.

A drunk man comes inside a bar and says, ”Happy New Year everybody.” and the waiter says, ”We are in June you drunk man.”

And the drunk man says, ”Oh my god my wife is going to kill me I have never been so late in my life!”

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Joke #9059 posted in the category: New Year jokes.

I will try to figure out why I *really* need 9 e-mail addresses.

I will stop sending e-mail to my wife (husband).

I resolve to work with neglected children -- my own.

I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm with which I answer my e-mail.

I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person.

I resolve to back up my 12GB hard drive daily... well, once a week... okay, monthly then... or maybe...

I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet. This, of course, will be hard

to estimate since I’m not a clock watcher.

When I hear ”Where do you want to go today?” I will not reply ”MS Tech Support.”

When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, ”LOL... LOL!”

I will read the manual... just as soon as I can find it.

I will think of a password other than ”password.”

I will stop checking my e-mail at 3: 00 in the morning... 4: 30 is much more practical.

I resolve... I resolve to... I resolve to, uh... I resolve to, uh, get my, er...

I resolve to, uh, get my, er, off-line work done, too!

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Joke #16183 posted in the category: New Year jokes.

I was staying in a large apartment park, where half the population of Seattle can be found in 5 square block. For the Chinese New Year, it is traditional for every family to light fireworks, All the people were on one side of the street and all the fireworks were done on the other side. Many images came to mind...

a. Take the most powerful fireworks mankind has ever made, give them to a bunch of 10 year old kids, and confine them to a space of 15 square feet.

b. About 1 in 10 fireworks would drift over into the crowd and blowup.

c. The Noise... roughly 1000 firecrackers going off per second, and 10x that going off from other places around the city. Imagine having a truck 2 feet behind you, beeping like crazy, and you not realize it until the driver gets out and tells you to move.

d. Crossing the Street, from the Crowd side to the Fireworks side is a once in a life time experience. You not only have to worry about 200 kids Fire-grenades coming your way, you also have to dodge traffic, which seams to be unaffected by the fireworks. The casualty rate for those who tried to cross this divide, were slightly better than storming the beaches at Normandy.

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Joke #20090 posted in the category: New Year jokes.

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