BEAUTY SECRETS by Janet Reno
HOW TO GET TO THE SUPER BOWL by Dan Marino
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL by Hillary Clinton
THINGS I CAN’T AFFORD by Bill Gates
THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY - by Dennis Rodman
THE WILD YEARS - by Al G
AMELIA EARHART’S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN
AMERICA’S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS
DETROIT - A TRAVEL GUIDE
DR. KEVORKIAN’S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN
ALL THE MEN I’VE LOVED BEFORE - by Ellen DeGeneres
MIKE TYSON’S GUIDE TO DATING E
SPOTTED OWL RECIPES - by the Sierra Club
THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS - by O. J. Simpson
MY BOOK OF MORALS - by Bill Clinton
Florida is finally re-admitted to the union.
Spotted Owl plague now threatens Western crops & livestock.
George Z. Bush says he will run for President.
50 year study: diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.
Nursing home event... Clinton denies Candy Striper allegations.
Texas executes last remaining citizen.
Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants.
Baby conceived naturally... Scientists stumped.
Authentic year 2000 ”CHAD” sells at Sotheby’s for 9. 6 million.
Ozone created by Electric Cars now killing thousands in Los Angeles.
Average height of NBA players now nine foot seven inches.
Unionized Chinese workers now making 4
, 000, 000, 000 yen an hour.
American owned businesses now returning to cheap labor in U. S. A.
White minority demands civil rights and reparations.
New California law requires that all machetes, steak knives and baseball bats be registered before January 2056.
This year, our family is breaking with our usual tradition.
We always serve a Christmas swan because it’s so much fun to watch the kids fight over the neck. This year we’re having a California Condor-it tastes just like spotted owl. The bird is going to be stu
ffed with sausage made from baby seals. We all have to bring our own baseball bats in order to club the seals that will be made into stuffing. Best of all, this year it’s my turn to OJ the bird. As a present, I’m giving my nephew a Milli Vanilli doll. You press a button and Teddy Ruxbin sings.
HAPPY HOLIDAY TO ALL!
We’ve seen fart categorizations before, but this one is a bit diff.
THE ANTICIPATED FART:
This one warns that it is back there waiting for some time before it arrives. A person who is uneasy for a time in a crowd and who later farts at a time when they think no one wi
ll notice has farted an Anticipated Fart.
THE BACK SEAT FART:
This is a fart that occurs only in automobiles. It is identified chiefly by odor. The Back Seat Fart can usually be concealed by traffic noise as it is an eased-out fart and not very loud. But its odor is foul, will give it away, due to the way air moves around in a car. And then someone will say, who farted in the back sea
THE BARRED OWL FART:
A familiarity with owl calls is helpful in identifying this fart. Almost any morning if you get up just before daybreak you can hear one of these birds talking to himself. It’s a sort of a crazy laugh, particularly the way it ends. If you hear a fart that has about eight notes in it, ending on a couple of down notes, and it sounds maniacal, you have heard the rare Barred Owl Fart.
THE BULLET FART:
Its single and most pronounced diagnostic characteristic is its sound. It sounds like a rifle shot. The farter can be said to have snapped it off. It can startle spectators and farter alike. Fairly common following the eating of the more common fart foods, such as beans.
THE COMMAND FART:
This fart differs from the Anticipated Fart in that it can be held for long periods of time waiting for the right moment. Unlike the Anticipated Fart, it is intended to be noticed. Harold Tabor recently held a Command Fart for the whole period in history class and let it go right at the end when the teacher asked if there were any questions.
THE COMMON FART:
This fart needs little description. It is to the world of farts what the house sparrow is to the world of birds. I can see no point in describing this far any further.
THE CUSHIONED FART:
A concealed fart, sometimes successful. The farter is usually on the fat side, sometimes a girl. They will squirm and push their butt way down into the cushions of a sofa or over-stuffed chair and ease-out a fart very carefully without moving then or for some time after. Some odor may escape, but usually not much. Common with some people.
THE ECHO FART:
This is a fart that can be wrongly identified. It is not some great loud fart in an empty gym or on the rim of the Grand Canyon. The true Echo Fart is a fart that makes its own echo. It is a two-toned fart, the first tone loud, then a pause, and then the second tone. Like an echo.
THE G AND L FART:
This is one of the most ordinary and pedestrian of farts, known to everyone. Certainly it is the least gross. If you have not already guessed, G and L stands for Gambled and Lost. One of the most embarrassing of all farts, even when you are alone.
THE GHOST FART:
A doubtful fart in most cases, as it is supposed to be identified by odor alone and to occur, for instance, in an empty house. You enter and smell a fart, yet no one is there. People will insist that only a fart could have that odor, but some believe it is just something that happens to smell like a fart.
THE HIC-HACHOO-FART FART:
This is strictly an old lady’s fart. What happens is that the person manages to hiccough, sneeze, and fart all at the same time. After an old lady farts a Hic-Hachoo-Fart Fart she will usually pat her chest and say, ”My, my”, or ”Well, well”. There is no reason she should not be proud, as this is probably as neat an old person’s fart as there is.
THE JERK FART:
The Jerk Fart is a fart by a jerk who smirks, smiles, grins, and points to himself in case you missed it. It is usually a single-noted, off-key, fading away, sort of whistle fart, altogether pitiful, but the jerk will act as if he has just farted the Biggest Fart in the World Fart.
THE JOHN FART:
The John Fart is simply any ordinary fart farted on the john. It is naturally a group one identification, with the wound, whatever it was, somewhat muffled. If it is all the person’s trip to the john amounted to he will be disappointed for sure. Common as pigeons.
THE LEAD FART:
The heaviets of all farts. It sounds like a dropped ripe watermelon. Or a falling body in some cases. It is the only fart that goes thud. Except for the odor, which is also very heavy, it could be missed altogether as a far. What was that, you might think? And never guess.
THE MALTED MILK BALL FART:
Odor alone is diagnostic and positively identifies this fart. It smells
exactly like malted milk balls. No other food works this way. It is rare.
THE OH MY GOD FART:
This is the most awful and dreadful stinking of all farts - a fart that smells like a month-old rotten egg - as the Oh My God Fart. If you should ever encounter it, however, you may first want to say, oh shit, which would be understandable.
THE OMEN FART:
This is the adult versi
on of the Poo-Poo Fart. About the only difference is that the farter will not say anything. He will just look kind of funny and head for the john. This one is easy to spot if you pay attention.
THE ORGANIC FART:
Sometimes called the Health Food Nut Fart. The person who farts an Organic Fart may be talking about the healthy food he eats even when he farts. If he is heavily into health foods he may even ask if you noticed how good and pure and health his fart smells. It may smell to you like any other fart, but there is no harm in agreeing with him. He is doing what he thinks is best.
THE QUIVER FART:
A group one identification fart only. When you fart, it quivers. If it tickles, then it is the Tickle Fart. If you have to scratch it, then it is the Scratchass Fart.
THE RAMBLING PHADUKA FART:
You must not be fooled by its pretty-sounding name, as this is one of the most frightening of all farts. It is frightening to farter and spectator alike. It has a sound of pain to it. What is most diagnostic about it, however, is its length. It is the longest-lasting fart there is. It will sometimes leave the farter unable to speak. As though he has had the wind knocked out of him. A strong, loud, wavering fart, it goes on for at least fifteen seconds.
THE RELIEF FART:
Sound or odor don’t matter on this one. What matters is the tremendous sense of relief that you have finally farted. Some people will even say, ”Wow, what a relief”. Very common.
THE RELUCTANT FART:
This is probably one of the oldest farts known to man. The Reluctant Fart is a fart that seems to have a mind of its own. It gives the impression that it likes staying where it is. It will come when it is ready, not before. This can take half-a-day in some instances.
THE RUSTY GATE FART:
The sound of this fart seems almost impossible for a fart. Is is the most dry and squeaky sound a fart can make. The Rusty Gate Fart sounds as if it would have worked a lot easier if it had been oiled. It sounds like a fart that hurts.
THE S. B. D. FART:
S. B. D. stands for Silent But Deadly. This is no doubt one of the most common farts that exists. No problem of identification with this one.
THE SANDPAPER FART:
This one scratches. Otherwise it may not amount to much. You should remember that if you reach back and scratch, it automatically becomes a Scratchass Fart. Common.
THE SKILLSAW FART:
A truly awesome fart. It vibrates the farter. Really shakes him up. People back away. It sounds like an electric skillsaw ripping through a piece of half-inch plywood. Very impressive. Not too common.
THE SONIC BOOM FART:
The people who believe in this fart claim it is even bigger than the Biggest Fart In The World Fart. The Sonic Boom Fart is supposed to shake the house and rattle the windows. This is ridiculous. No fart in the world shakes houses and rattles windows. A fart that could do that would put the farter into orbit or blow his crazy head off.
THE SPLATTER FART:
Unfortunately the Splatter Fart exists. It is the wettest of all farts. It probably should not be called a fart at all.
THE STUTTER FART:
If you think stuttering is funny, this is a very funny fart. It is a fart that can’t seem to get going. The sound is best described as pt, pt, pt-pt, pt-pt-pt, pop, pop-pop-pop-POW! It is usually a forced-out far that gets caught crossways, as they say, and only gets farted after considerable effort.
THE TACO BELL FART:
The Taco Bell Fart is far richer and full-bodied than your ordinary Junk Fart and takes longer to build up. Sometimes hours or even a day. But it will get there. And it will hang around after, too, even on a windy day.
THE TEFLON FART:
Slips out without a sound and no strain at all. A very good fart in situations where you would rather not fart at all. You can be talking to someone and not miss saying a word. If the wind
is right he will never know.
THE THANK GOD I’M ALONE FART:
Everyone knows this rotten fart. You look around after you have farted and say Thank God I’m alone. Then you get out of there.
THE TICKLE FART:
A group one only and one of the easiest to identify. Usually a slow soft sort of fart. If you like being tickled this is the fart for you.
Each evening bird lover Tom Rowe stood in his backyard in Devon, England, hooting like an owl - and one night, an owl called back to him.
For a year, the man and his feathered friend hooted back and forth. Rowe even kept a log of the ”conversation.” Just as Rowe thought he was on
the verge of a breakthrough in inter-species communication, his wife had a chat with next door neighbor, Nancy Hollis.
”My husband spends his nights... calling out to owls,” said Mrs. Rowe.
”That’s odd,” Mrs. Hollis replied. ”So does my John.”
Then it dawned on them.