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Paris jokes


In a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please. If you

are not person to do such thing is please not to read notis.

In another Japanese hotel room: Please to bathe inside the tub.

In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day.

During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when

lit up.

In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for

wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one

should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going

alphabetically by national order.

In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front

desk.

In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office

between the hours of 9 and 11 A. M. daily.

In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is

the job of the chambermaid.

In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the

chambermaid.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox

monastary: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian

and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except

Thursday.

In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the

corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope

for.

On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm’s own make; limpid red

beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck

let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people’s fashion.

In a Hong Kong supermarket: For your convenience, we recommend

courageous, efficient self-service.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

In a Bangkok dry cleaner’s: Drop your trousers here for best results.

Outside a Paris dress shop: Dresses for street walking.

In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush

we will execute customers in strict rotation.

Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly: There will be a Moscow Exhibition

of Arts by 15, 000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were

executed over the past two years.

In an East African newspaper: A new swimming pool is rapidly taking

shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.

In a Vienna hotel: In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel

porter.

A sign posted in Germany’s Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on

our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for

instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are

married with each other for that purpose.

In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests

of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be

used for this purpose.

In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extrcted by the

latest Methodists.

A translated sentence from a Russian chess book: A lot of water has

been passed under the bridge since this variation has been played.

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the

afternoon having a good time.

In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city

tours - we guarantee no miscarriages.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on

your own ass?

On the faucet in a Finnish washroom: To stop the drip, turn cock to

right.

In the window of a Swedish furrier: Fur coats made for ladies from

their own skin.

On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: Guaranteed to work

throughout its useful life.

Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan: Stop: Drive Sideways.

In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today - no ice cream.

In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner

if dressed as a man.

In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them

in all directions.

On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the

USSR, you are welcome to it.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have

children in the bar.

At a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any

suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other

diseases.

In an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water

served here.

In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find

they are best in the long run.

From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air

conditioner: Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in

your room, please control yourself.

From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot

heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first,

but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:

- English well talking.

- Here speeching American.

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Joke #14707 posted in the category: Paris jokes.

”France is the most civilized country in the world and doesn’t care who knows it.” —John Gunther

”France is a nation devoted to the false hypothesis on which it then builds marvelously logical structures.” —Gore Vidal

”How can anyone govern a nation that has 240 different kinds of cheese?” —Charles de Gaulle

”Dogs smoke in France.” —Ozzy Osbourne

”We always have been, we are, and I hope that we always shall be, detested in France.” —Duke of Wellington

”What I gained by being in France was learning to be better satisfied with my own country.” —Samuel Johnson

”Everything is on such a clear financial basis in France. It is the simplest country to live in. No one makes things complicated by becoming your friend for any obscure reason. If you want people to like you, you have only to spend a little money.” —Ernest Hemingway

”France is the only country where the money falls apart, and you can’t tear the toilet paper.” —Billy Wilder

”They aren’t much at fighting wars anymore. Despite their reputation for fashion, their women have spindly legs. Their music is sappy. But they do know how to whip up a plate of grub.” —Mike Royko

”The French probably invented the very notion of discretion. It’s not that they feel that what you don’t know won’t hurt you; they feel that what you don’t know won’t hurt them. To the French lying is simply talking.” —Fran Lebowitz

”Every Frenchman wants to enjoy one or more privileges; that’s the way he shows his passion for equality.” —Charles de Gaulle

”If the French were really intelligent, they’d speak English.” —Wilfrid Sheed

”Germans with good food.” —Fran Lebowitz

”France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by prostitutes.” —Mark Twain

”I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me.” —General George S. Patton

”Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion.” —Norman Schwartzkopf

”We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it.” —Marge Simpson

”As far as I’m concerned, war always means failure.” —Jacques Chirac, President of France

”As far as France is concerned, you’re right.” —Rush Limbaugh

”The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee.” —Regis Philbin

”The French are a smallish, monkey-looking bunch and not dressed any better, on average, than the citizens of Baltimore. True, you can sit outside in Paris and drink little cups of coffee, but why this is more stylish than sitting inside and drinking large glasses of whiskey I don’t know.” —P. J O’Rourke (1989)

”You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the 1940s who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn’t have the face for it.” —John McCain, U. S. Senator from Arizona

”They’ve taken their own precautions against Al Qaeda. To prepare for an attack, each Frenchman is urged to keep duct tape, a white flag, and a three-day supply of mistresses in the house.” —Argus Hamilton

”The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq.” —Dennis Miller

”I would call the French scumbags, but that, of course, would be a disservice to bags filled with scum. I say we invade Iraq, then invade Chirac.” —Dennis Miller

”You know why the French don’t want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He IS French, people.” —Conan O’Brien

”I don’t know why people are surprised that France won’t help us get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn’t help us get the Germans out of France!” —Jay Leno

”The last time the French asked for ’more proof,’ it came marching into Paris under a German flag.” —David Letterman

An old saying: Raise your right hand if you like the French.... Raise both hands if you are French.

Next time there’s a war in Europe, the loser has to keep France.

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Joke #14730 posted in the category: Paris jokes.

Knock Knock

Who’s there!

Paris!

Paris who?

Paris the thought!
Knock Knock

Who’s there!

Paris!

Paris who?

Paris the salt please!

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Joke #14731 posted in the category: Paris jokes.

- What difference is between a man and Paris?
- The Paris remains Paris!

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Joke #14732 posted in the category: Paris jokes.

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