An airline pilot was scheduled to take a flight from New York to Los Angeles. The weather was too bad in New York to allow his usual on time departure. The weather in New York finally cleared and the pilot asked for
his departure clearance. He was very dismayed to hear that he had another delay due to the increased traffic now leaving New York.
Sometime later he finally received his clearance and decided he would try to make up the time lost by asking for a direct route to Los Angeles. Halfway across the country he was told to turn due South. Knowing that this turn would now throw him further behind schedule he inquired, quite
agitated, to the controller for the reason of the turn off course. The controller replied that the turn was for noise abatement.
The pilot was infuriated and said to the controller, ”Look buddy, I am already way behind schedule with all the delays you guys have given me today. I really don’t see how I could be causing a noise problem for
pedestrians when I am over 6 miles above the earth!”
The controller answered in a calm voice, ”Apparently, Captain, you have
never heard two 747’s collide!”
Q: What is the ideal cockpit crew?
A: A pilot and a dog... the pilot is there to feed the dog, and the dog is there to bite the pilot in case he tries to touch anything.
Q: How many pilots does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one. He holds the bulb and the world revolves around him.
Q: How do you know if a pilot is at your party?
A: He’ll tell you.
Q: How do you know when you are half way through a date with a pilot?
A: Because he says: ”Thats enough about flying, let’s talk about me”!
Q: What’s the purpose of the propeller?
A: To keep the pilot cool. If you don’t think so, just stop it and watch him sweat!
A pilot, Michael Jordon, Bill Gates, the Pope, and a pizza delivery man were all in a plane together traveling through stormy conditions. Suddenly, the pilot came running back to the passengers and announced that lightning had hit the plane, and they were going to crash in a matter of minutes. ”There are only enough parachutes for four of the five of us,” he announced. ”Since I’m the pilot, I get one!” After saying this, the pilot grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane.” I’m the world’s greatest athlete,” proclaimed Michael Jordon. ”This world needs great athletes, so I must live.” Michael Jordon then grabbed a parachute and leaped out of the plane.” I’m the smarest man in the world,” bragged Bill Gates. ”The world needs smart men, so I must also live!” Bill Gates grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane. At this point, the Pope began to speak. ”I have lived a long life compared to you, and you may take the last parachute. I will go down with the plane.” ”You don’t have to stay here! The world’s smartest man jumped out of the plane with my backpack.”-0+
One day at a busy
airport, the passengers
on a commercial
airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to
up so they can get underway.
The pilot and copilot
finally appear in the rear of the plane,
and begin walking up to the
cockpit through the center aisle.
Both appear to be blind.
The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right
left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the copilot is using
dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge
first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be
of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the
revving and the airplane starts moving down the
passengers look at each other with some uneasiness,
themselves and looking desperately to the
Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people
panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane
closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are
more and more hysterical.
Finally, when the airplane has
less than 20 feet of runway left,
there is a sudden change in the
pitch of the shouts as everyone
screams at once, and at the very last
moment the airplane lifts
off and is airborne.
Up in the
cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and
turns to the pilot:
”You know, one of these days the passengers
aren’t going to scream,
and we’re gonna get killed!