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The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.
Clarence Darrow

Kids. They’re not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex.
Bill Maher

To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.
Ernest Hemingway

The trouble with children is that they’re not returnable.
Quentin Crisp

There are only two things a child will share willingly -- communicable diseases and his mother’s age.
Benjamin Spock

I love children, especially when they cry, for then someone takes them away.
Nancy Mitford

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
Phyllis Diller

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Joke #327 posted in the category: Quotes jokes.

”Quotes About Cats”

”Managing senior programmers is like herding cats.”

- Dave Platt

”There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast.”

- Anonymous {So true! My cats walks on me! - LadyHawke}

”Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods.

Cats have never forgotten this.”

- Anonymous

”Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull

a sled through snow.”

- Jeff Valdez

”In a cat’s eye, all things belong to cats.”

- English proverb

”As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat.”

- Ellen Perry Berkeley

”Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are G-d.”

”One cat just leads to another.” - Ernest Hemingway

”Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message

and get back to you later.”

- Mary Bly

”Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject

to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who

suffered from insomnia.”

- Joseph Wood Krutch

”People that hate cats, will come back as mice in their

next life.”

- Faith Resnick

”There are many intelligent species in the universe. They

are all owned by cats.”

- Anonymous

”I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The

wisdom of cats is infinitely superior.”

- Hippolyte Taine

”There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life:

music and cats.”

- Albert Schweitzer

”The cat has too much spirit to have no heart.”

- Ernest Menaul

”Time spent with cats is never wasted.”

- Colette

”No heaven will not ever Heaven be;

Unless my cats are there to welcome me.”

- Anonymous

”Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel.

True, and they have many other fine qualities as well.”

- Missy Dizick

”You will always be lucky if you know how to make

friends with strange cats.”

- Colonial American proverb

”Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any

harm to ask for what you want.”

- Joseph Wood Krutch

”Cats aren’t clean, they’re just covered with cat spit.”

- John S. Nichols

”Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle

and will p**s on your computer.”

- Bruce Graham

”I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic.”

”My husband said it was him or the cat... I miss him sometimes.”

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Joke #2242 posted in the category: Quotes jokes.

** All of the following quotes have been attributed to Marion Barry, Mayor of Washington, D. C... **’The contagious people of Washington have stood firm against diversity during this long period of increment weather.’ ’I promise you a police car on every sidewalk.’ ’If you take out the killings, Washington actually has a very, very low crime rate.’ ’First, it was not a strip bar, it was an erotic club. And second, what can I say? I’m a night owl.’ ’I am clearly more popular than Reagan. I am in my third term. Where’s Reagan? Gone after two! Defeated by George Bush and Michael Dukakis no less.’ ’The laws in this city are clearly racist. All laws are racist. The law of gravity is racist.’ ’I am making this trip to Africa because Washington is an international city, just like Tokyo, Nigeria or Israel. As mayor, I am an international symbol. Can you deny that to Africa?’ ’People have criticized me because my security detail is larger than the president’s. But you must ask yourself: are there more people who want to kill me than who want to kill the president? I can assure you there are.’ ’The brave men who died in Vietnam, more than 100% of which were black, were the ultimate sacrifice.’ ’I read a funny story about how the Republicans freed the slaves. The Republicans are the ones who created slavery by law in the 1600’s. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves and he was not a Republican.’ ’What right does Congress have to go around making laws just because they deem it necessary?’ ’People blame me because these water mains break, but I ask you, if the water mains didn’t break, would it be my responsibility to fix them then? WOULD IT!?!’ ’I am a great mayor; I am an upstanding Christian man; I am an intelligent man; I am a deeply educated man; I am a humble man.’

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Joke #5626 posted in the category: Quotes jokes.

There was magician on a cruise ship, and he was really good.

He was performing the highlight of his show when a parrot walked onstage and squawked, ”It’s in his sleeve!”

The magician chased the bird away.

The next day the magician was performing his highlight again (in front of a smaller audience) when the parrot walked onstage and declared, ”It’s in his pocket!”

The next day, as he was performing the highlight, he saw the parrot in the crowd. But before the parrot could ruin the magic trick, the boat crashed into a rock and sank.

The magician was lucky enough to find a board to hang on to. On the other end of the board was the parrot.

They stared at each other for three full days, neither of them saying anything, when suddenly the parrot said, ”I give up, what’d you do with the ship?”

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Joke #5705 posted in the category: Quotes jokes.

A blind man and his guide dog enter a bar and find their way to a barstool. After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, ”Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”

The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him says, ”Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I’m a 6’tall, 200 pound blonde with a black belt in karate. What’s more, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and she’s a weightlifter. The lady to your right is a blonde, and she’s a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, mister. You still wanna tell that blonde joke?”

The blind guy says, ”Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”

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Joke #8858 posted in the category: Quotes jokes.

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