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Ralph Nader jokes


1) Ralph Nader chair

”Yes, that’s right. Ralph Nader, perennial Green Party candidate for the U. S. presidency MAY have sat in this very chair! It was used in his Washington, DC campaign headquarters until I purchased it on Craiglist several months ago. It has a nice red, commie upholstery and a sleek black plastic backing. The wheels don’t function well, but that is a small price to pay for state control of the means of production.”

2) I want some orange juice

”I’ll give you $2 + cost if you’ll deliver me some orange juice with receipt. I’m too lazy to get it myself. I live right by University Drive in Elon. Thank you.”

3) Seeking adult drunk clown for 30th birthday party

”We need an Adult Drunk Clown who is good at getting drunk and stupid. No need to do any clown tricks, just hang out and drink a shit load. We will be hopping around to different bars and want a clown to tag a long and drink heavely. He doesn’t even need to socialize with anyone, just drink.”

4) Duck mask

”Full head rubber mask, old, has discoloration on white feather part from age, storage. Hey I got it on my big head, so it works that way.”

5) Woman to sit in my bath tub full of noodles, wearing a bathing suit

”I will pay you $1 to sit in my bathtub full of noodles while you wear a one piece bathing suit. I will not be home, nor will anyone else while you do this. I will leave the key for you, and you will sit at your leisure. DO NOT bring any sauce. I will season the pasta after I return home prior to dinner.”

6) Wanted: Pony

”My kid is having a birthday coming up soon, and there’ll be a lot of children around, so I figured I’d better get a pony. If you do have a pony you could sell, please contact me, and then immediately start putting barbeque sauce in it’s bedding or add some Lawry’s to it’s salt lick - I like to marinade it early and long, so that the flavor is at it’s peak by the time I take possession.”

7) I have a huge bathroom

”I am a female in my mid 60’s and I am looking for a room mate. Times are tight and I need some extra money. I am willing to rent out my bathroom in my 1 bedroom east village home. My bathroom is large. You can easily put a twin air mattress in there. I only ask that when I need to use the bathroom, you or your air mattress are not in it. I do ask that when you are in the apartment, you confine yourself to the bathroom. I do not feel comfortable with a stranger walking around my living room. This might change as I get to know you better.”

8) Pope hats

”Because of this terrible economy, I’m having to shut down my business. I have OVER 1300 Pope hats (replicas) that I REALLY need to get rid of. The pope hats came from China and are a little too small for most adult heads and are also irritating to the skin, so you would need to have long hair or wear a smaller hat underneath (just like the REAL POPE). Dogs do not like to wear these pope hats, but maybe a large cat or maybe a nice dog would wear one.”

9) Need someone to hide easter eggs in my apartment when im not home

”I need someone to hide easter eggs in my apt when i am not there! They are small and filled with candy! I would like to find them myself on sunday! I am willing to pay! Serious inquiries only!”

10) Free couch, if you can bend time and/or space

”I have a free couch for anyone who can get it back out of my room. It’s a comfy couch, cool stripe velvet in great shape, impossibly uncomfortable sleeper, but otherwise easily worth $50-75 bucks in Craigslist land. So why am I listing in for free? Because I am pretty sure it is physically impossible to remove this thing from my second story bedroom down the narrow hallway, down the narrower staircase and out the front door of my little Victorian duplex.”

11) I took your purse and felt a connection

”Tuesday night around 11: 30. On 53rd btw 1st and 2nd. You came out of the subway and I followed you. You looked over your shoulder, saw me and started walking faster. I ran up, grabbed your arm, took your purse and ran away. I’ve done many a snatch-and-grab but no one has ever stuck in my mind like you. There was a quick moment when our eyes met that I felt something strong. I think you felt it too. If I wasn’t so shy (or so committing a crime) I would have asked your name. I, of course, later got your name from your drivers license. So Jennifer if you’d like to get together for a drink sometime get back to me.”

12) Looking for bridesmaids

”So, my fiancee and I are getting married in June. He has 8 groomsmen lined up and I only have one bridesmaid. So, I need some girls who are attractive and around my age to stand up in my wedding. You can be single or taken. It doesn’t matter.... you just have to be hot. But, not hotter then me. Email me for more information. The wedding will be in Madison and you won’t have to pay for a thing.”

13) Do you have a small, incontinent dog?

”Or perhaps you work for a small dog rescue of some sort. Either way, I have a package of small doggy diapers. I don’t want to throw them out coz they are pretty expensive. (as someone with a small, incontnent dog would already know). Please don’t try to put them on a cat. It won’t work. Trust me.”

14) My teeth

”I left my Dentures in your Silverado last night. I gave you my number but did not get yours. Please call me asap. I need my teeth. We met in the parking lot of Margarita Jones. Get back to me asap please. Thank you.”

15) Disgruntled American seeks Canadian for political asylum, maybe more

”Are you a lonely, possibly desperate Canadian woman aged 18-50? Tired of trying to find a good man among your flannel clad, Labatt’s drinking, moose hunting country men? Willing to take in an American who is fed up with his country? Then I’m the guy for you! Maybe you’re a bit overweight or suffer from ”Lifelong Ugly Duckling” syndrome. I don’t care.”

16) Autographed copy of Plato’s Republic

”1st edition of The Republic signed by its author. There is of course a reasonable amount of wear and tear, (light highlighting and underlining, dog-eared pages, back cover missing, etc. ), but it is in overall good condition considering its age.”

17) Ferocious attack kitten

”This destructive kitty has been trained as a proud warrior and will fiercely defend your house, even against you. Has a very soft and furry belly, like a teddy bear - however he will bite your face if you try to touch it. For the love of God, someone please take this thing out of my house.”

18) Free - international ketchup packet collection

”This is a collection of ketchup packets from around the world. approximately 25 countries are represented here, including japan, finland, estonia, greenland, brazil, and portugal. none of the packets have been opened and they are labeled with their home country. Collection comes in decorative box with ducks on it.”

19) Personal texting assistant

”I get 40 - 50 texts an hour, I cant handle my workload plus texting responsibilities. My phone gets too full and needs deleted every couple hours. This is a full time position and you must be where ever I am at, because my phone is always with me. Serious inquiries only.”

20) 300 stuffed penguins

”I’m going through a pretty weird time in my life right now--having just gone through a break-up and graduated college and temporarily living in my parents’ house before I move out for good in in the fall, though I remain unemployed because my philosophy degree is at *such* a premium--and sifting through my room (which has become a strange amalgam of my adolescence and burgeoning adulthood), it’s been brought to my attention that I probably won’t ”catch a man” or have anyone believe I’m about to turn 23 with 300 penguins and a bunch of purple furniture around, that looking at my current room one might think some sort of 13-year-old with developmental issues is living here.”

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Joke #54622 posted in the category: Ralph Nader jokes.

Ralph Nader, Al Gore And George W. Bush Go To A Fitness Spa For Some Fun. After A Stimulating, Healthy Lunch, All Three Decide To Visit The Men’s Room And They Find A Strange-looking Gent Sitting At The Entrance Who Says;

”welcome To The Gentlemen’s Room. Be Sure To Check Out Our Newest Feature: A Mirror That, If You Look Into It And Say Something Truthful, You Will Be Rewarded With Your Wish. But, Be Warned, For If You Say Something False, You Will Be Sucked Into The Mirror To Live In A Void Of Nothingness For All Eternity!”

the Men Quickly Entered And Upon Finding The Mirror, Ralph Nader Steps Up And Says, ”i Think I’m The Most Truthful Of Us Three” And He Suddenly Finds The Keys To A Brand New Bentley In His Hands.

al Gore Steps Up And Says ”i Think I’m The Most Ambitious Of Us Three” And In An Instant He Was Surrounded By A Pile Of Money To Fund His Presidential Campaign.

excited Over The Possibility Of Having A Wish Come True, George W. Bush Looks Into The Mirror And Says, ”i Think --”, And Is Promptly Sucked Into The Mirror.

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Joke #96442 posted in the category: Ralph Nader jokes.

Ralph Nader announced he’s running for president after a new poll found he`d get. 5% of the vote. Nader’s slogan: `Eat my dust Kucinich. ` —Craig Kilborn

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Joke #97885 posted in the category: Ralph Nader jokes.

”John Kerry raised all of that money and bought himself an airplane, campaign plane, for $10 million. Ralph Nader, not to be outdone, is having himself shipped across the country in a crate.” —David Letterman

”John Kerry and Ralph Nader met face-to-face, it was a historic meeting. Astronomers said today their meeting actually created what is called a ’charisma black hole.’ ” —Jay Leno

”Earlier today, John Kerry had a meeting with independent candidate Ralph Nader. Afterwards, Kerry said ’The meeting didn’t go as well as I had hoped, because my gun jammed.’ ” —Conan O’Brien

”You ever take a good look at Ralph Nader? Don’t you think he looks like Kerry if you left him in the dryer for couple of days?” —Jay Leno

”Ralph Nader has called for President Bush to be impeached for deceiving the American people about the war in Iraq. Ralph Nader wants Bush impeached? Hey Ralph Nader got him elected in the first place. If it wasn’t for Ralph Nader we wouldn’t have this problem!” —Jay Leno

”Consumer activist Ralph Nader announced he would run for president. When he heard about it, Dennis Kucinich was furious and said, ’He’s going to steal my voter away.’ ” —Conan O’Brien

”Ralph Nader announced he’s running for president after a new poll found he’d get. 5% of the vote. Nader’s slogan: ’Eat my dust Kucinich.’ ” —Craig Kilborn

”You know your candidacy is marginal when the Green Party thinks you’re too out there.” —Jon Stewart, on Ralph Nader’s decision to run for president as an independent.

”’Conservatives for Nader.’ Not a large group. About the same size as ’Retarded Death Row Texans for Bush.’ ” —Jon Stewart, on Nader’s claim that conservatives who are furious with Bush will back his candidacy.

”On tomorrow’s ’Meet the Press’ Green Party leader Ralph Nader will announce whether he will sit out the 2004 election or enter the race and cause George Bush to win by three votes. I think I speak for a lot of people when I say stay home Nerd, you’re the reason we’re in this K hole to begin with.” —Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live’s ”Weekend Update”

”Ralph Nader says he is testing the water and hasn’t decided on whether he’ll run for president in 2004. Actually, he doesn’t really need to run because I think the Democrats feel they can lose without him this time.” —Jay Leno

”Apparently Ralph Nader has a new slogan — ’You won’t ever have to worry about me getting laid in the Oval Office.’ ” —Craig Kilborn

”Ralph Nader is so serious running for president this time, he’s actually thinking about pressing his suit.” —Jay Leno

”Nader says he is launching a campaign based on the Internet. Well, that certainly worked out well for Howard Dean, didn’t it?” —Jay Leno

”A big weekend for the candidates. President Bush highlighted his foreign policy, and then John Kerry emphasized his war record, and then Ralph Nader bragged about an article he wrote on toasters that explode.” —Craig Kilborn

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Joke #98575 posted in the category: Ralph Nader jokes.

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