A couple is dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They phone for a cab, turn on a night light, cover their pet parakeet and put the cat out in the back yard.
The taxi arrives, and they open the front door to leave. Suddenly the cat they put out scoots back into the house. They don’t want the cat shut in there because she always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes back in. The cat runs upstairs, with the man in hot pursuit.
The wife doesn’t want the driver to know the house will be empty. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. ”He’s just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.”
A few minutes later the husband gets into the cab.
”Sorry I took so long,” he says, as they drive away. ”Stupid hag was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat butt downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!
The cab driver hit a parked car.
One fall day Bill was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse was a second hearse, which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file.
Intrigued, Bill went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse.” My wife,” the man replied. ”I’m sorry,” said Bill.” What happened to her?” ”My dog bit her and she died.”
Bill then asked the man who was in the second hearse. The man replied, ”My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well.” Bill thought about this for a while. He finally asked the man, ”Can I borrow your dog?”
To which the man replied, ”Get in line.”
There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation. They vowed that if either died, the other one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their death. Unfortunately, a few weeks later, the young man died in a car wreck. True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later. At the seance, she called out, ”John, John, this is Martha. Do you hear me?” A ghostly voice answered her, ”Yes Martha, this is John. I can hear you.” Martha tearfully asked, ”Oh John, what is it like where you are?” ”It’s beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time.” ”What do you do all day?” asked Martha. ”Well, Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there’s nothing but making love until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then make love again until about five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11 p. m.”
Martha was somewhat taken aback. ”Is that what heaven really is like?” ”Heaven? I’m not in heaven, Martha.” ”Well, then, where are you?” ”I’m a rabbit in Arizona.”
For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.
”You’ve been such exemplary statues,” he announced to them, ”that I’m going to give you a special gift. I’m going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want.” And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.
The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.
”You still have fifteen more minutes,” said the angel, winking at them.
Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, ”Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I’ll crap on its head.”
Scott took his blind date to the carnival. ”What would you like to do
first, Mary?” asked Scott.
”I want to get weighed,” she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser.
He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale, it read 117 and she won a
Next the couple went on the Ferris wheel. When the ride was over, Scott
again asked Mary what she would like to do.
”I want to get weighed,” she said. Back to the weight guesser they went.
Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Scott
lost his dollar.
The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to go next.
”I want to get weighed,” she responded.
By this time, Scott figured she was really weird and took her home early,
dropping her off with a handshake.
Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, ”How’d it go?”
Mary responded, ”Oh, Waura, it was wousy, he just wouldn’t way me.