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Retirement jokes

Last week was my retirement and I didn’t feel very well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, ”Happy retirement!” and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone ”Happy retirement.”

I thought... Well, that’s marriage for you, but the kids.... They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn’t say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, ”Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy retirement!” It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o’clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, ”You know, It’s such a beautiful day outside, and it is your retirement, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.” I said, ”Thanks, Jane, that’s the greatest thing I’ve heard all day. Let’s go!”

We went to lunch. But we didn’t go where we normally would go. She chose instead at a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said, ”You know, It’s such a beautiful day... We don’t need to go straight back to the office, Do We?”

I responded, ”I guess not. What do you have in mind?”

She said, ”Let’s drop by my apartment, it’s just around the corner.”

After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, ”Boss, if you don’t mind, I’m going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I’ll be right back.”

”Ok.” I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge retirement cake… Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all shouting ” Happy retirement!”

And I just sat there...

On the couch...



Joke #22 posted in the category: Retirement jokes.

A retiring farmer in preparation for selling his land, needed to rid his farm of animals. So he went to every house in his town. To the houses where the man is the boss, he gave a horse. To the houses where the woman is the boss, a chicken was given. He got toward the end of the street and saw a couple outside gardening. ”Who’s the boss around here?” he asked.” I am.” said the man.” I have a black horse and a brown horse,” the farmer said, ”which one would you like?” The man thought for a minute and said, ”The black one.” ”No, no, no, get the brown one.” the man’s wife said.” Here’s your chicken.” said the farmer.


Joke #1089 posted in the category: Retirement jokes.

A son takes his father to the retirement home. Grandpa doesn’t want to go, but the family insists. On the first night, Grandpa is settling in when a gorgeous nurse enters and tucks him in. Grandpa gets a hard-on, she sees it, and she climbs aboard. The next morning Grandpa calls his son and tells him he’s changed his mind. Now he LIKES the retirement home. The next night Grandpa is heading for bed when he trips and falls face first on the floor. A big male orderly sees him, drops his trousers, and sodomizes the old man. The next morning, Grandpa calls his son again and tells him he no longer likes the retirement home. ”But yesterday you told me you loved it there..” says the son. ”Yeah, but you don’t understand. I only get an erection once a month, but I fall down nearly every day.”


Joke #9145 posted in the category: Retirement jokes.

A judge in his golden years decided that retirement had become too boring. So he volunteered as a librarian at his local library branch.

A week later, his supervisor, a stern woman in her sixties, called him into her office.

She cleared her throat and said, ”You know, I appreciate that when you were a judge you were stern with lawbreakers. And you carry that with you to your new job, which is commendable. But when someone owes an overdue fine, you can’t just...”

The judge interupted... ”I had to throw the book at him or he would think I was soft.”

”I know,” said the librarian, ”but the Oxford English Dictionary?”


Joke #9480 posted in the category: Retirement jokes.

As a result of automation as well as declining workload, Management must of necessity take steps to reduce our work force. A reduction in force plan has been developed which appears the most equitable under the circumstances.

Under the plan, older employees, will be placed on early retirement, thus permitting the retention of employees who represent the future of the company. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year via early retirement will be placed into effect immediately. The program shall be known as RAPE (Retire Aged Personnel Early).

Employees who are RAPED will be given an opportunity to seek other jobs within the company, provided that while they are being RAPED they request a review of their employment status before actual retirement takes place. This phase of the operation is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).

All employees who have been RAPED and SCREWED may also apply for a final review. This will be known as SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination). Program policy dictates that employees may be RAPED once and SCREWED twice, but may get the SHAFT as many times as the company deems appropriate.


Joke #12449 posted in the category: Retirement jokes.

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