There was a farmer who was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers, called pullets, and 8 or 10 roosters whose job was to fertilize the eggs. He kept records and any rooster or pullet that didn’t perform well went into the pot and was replaced. Now this took an awful lot of time. So when the farmer saw a set of 8 tiny bells that each rang a different tone he promptly bought them.
He glued a piece of foam rubber to each clapper shaft so the bell wouldn’t ring except when violently shaken. He hung a bell on each rooster’s neck and went and mixed a Mint Julep. Now he could sit on the porch and sip while filling out an efficiency report on the roosters by listening to the different tones of the bells and marking down each encounter.
The farmer’s favorite rooster was old Brewster. Brewster was a fine specimen, but his bell didn’t ring all morning. He went to investigate.
Several roosters were chasing pullets, bells a-ringing. Brewster had his bell in his beak so it couldn’t ring. He’d sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. Chagrined at first, the Farmer was soon so proud of Brewster he entered him in the county fair.
Brewster was an overnight sensation. They not only awarded him the No Bell prize but also the Pullet Surprise.
Two guys of limited intelligence were on a ship that sank in the middle of the ocean. They managed to inflate a rubber life raft and grab a box of provisions before their ship slipped below the surface. After floating under blazing heat for 6 days they ran out of food and water. On the 10th day, bleary eyed and half dead from heat, thirst and starvation, they spotted a small object floating toward them in the water. As it drew near, they were ecstatic to find that it was an oil lamp (the kind the genies come in). They grabbed the lamp and rubbed it. ”POOF” out popped a tired old genie who said ”ok.. so you freed me from this stupid lamp, yadda, yadda, yadda. But hey, I’ve been doing this 3 wishes stuff for a long time now and quite frankly, I’m burned out. You guys get only ONE wish and then I’m OUTTA here. Make it a good one”. The first guy, without hesitation or thought blurted out, ”Give us all the beer we can drink for the rest of our lives!!!” ”Fine” said the genie, and he instantly turned the entire ocean into beer. ”Great move Einstein!” said the second guy, slapping the first guy in the head. ”NOW we’re gonna have to piss in the BOAT!”-0+
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It’s considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed it’s time to change sheets.
5. Even if you’re CERTAIN that you are included in the will... it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral.
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to ”bruise” the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should NEVER be prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do NOT allow the dog to eat at the table... no matter how good his manners are.
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should done in private using one’s OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of money.
3. Dirt & grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as it tends to detract from a woman’s jewelry & alter the taste of finger foods.
DATING (OUTSIDE THE FAMILY)
1. Always offer to bait your date’s hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you’re interested: ”I’ve been wantin’ to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10: 00 PM; others might say ”Monday”. If the latter is the answer it is the man’s responsibility to get her to school on time.
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up as soon as the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they cannot hear you.
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say ”yes” to socks & shoes for this special occasion.
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires ALWAYS has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.
5. Do NOT lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
Before heading south for a vacation, it may be a good idea to learn the language of our southern brothers and sisters. And we’re here to help...
Hah Tu Spek Suthun:
BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive ”to borrow.”
Usage: ”My brother bard my pickup truck.”
JAWJUH - noun. A highly flammable state just north of Florida.
Usage: ”My brother from Jawjah bard my pickup truck.”
MUNTS - noun. A calendar division.
Usage: ”My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I taint herd from him in munts.”
ALL - noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: ”I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck.”
FAR - noun. A conflagration.
Usage: ”If my brother from Jawjuh doesn’t change the all in my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far.”
BAHS - noun. A supervisor.
Usage: ”If you don’t stop reading these Southern words and git back to work, your bahs is gonna far you!”
TAR - noun. A rubber wheel.
Usage: ”Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh doesn’t git a flat tar in my pickup truck.”
TIRE - noun. A tall monument.
Usage: ”Lord willing and the creeks don’t rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime.”
RETARD - Verb. To stop working.
Usage: ”My granpaw retard at age 65.”
RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: ”We Southerners are willing to fight for out rats.”
FARN - adjective. Not local.
Usage: ”I cudnt unnerstand a wurd he sed... must be from some farn country.”
JU-HERE - a question.
Usage: ”Juhere that former Dallas Cowboys’ coach Jimmy Johnson recently toured the University of Alabama?”
HAZE - a contraction.
Usage: ”Is Bubba smart?” ”Nah... haze ignert.”
VIEW - contraction: verb and pronoun.
Usage: ”I ain’t never seed New York City... view?”
GUMMIT - Noun. An often-closed bureaucratic institution.
Usage: ”Great... ANOTHER gummit shutdown!”
You might be a redneck if...
You think harass is two words.
You consider fast food hitting a deer at 65 MPH.
Every day someone comes to your house mistakingly thinking your having a yard sale.
Fifth grade was the best six years of your life.
You have more dogs than the local shelter.
You consistantly receive credit card offers with a limit of $1. 25.
Your postman puts rubber gloves on when the red flag is up on your mailbox.
How do you know when your staying in an Arkansas hotel?
When you call the front desk and say, ”I’ve gotta leak in my sink,” and the person at the front desk says, ”Go ahead!”
Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in West Virginia to 32?
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!
Why did God invent armadillos?
So that rednecks can have ’possum on the halfshell!
Definition of an Arkansas Virgin:
A girl who can run faster than her brothers