An Australian rugby fan, a South African rugby fan and a New Zealand rugby fan are all in Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when, all of a sudden, Saudi police rush in and arrest them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they are all sentenced to death!
However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment.
By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.
As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced: ”It’s my first wife’s birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping.”
The South African was first in line, he thought for a while and then said: ”Please tie a pillow to my back.” This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done he had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.
The New Zealander was next up. After watching the South African, even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again and the Kiwi was soon led away whimpering loudly (as they do).
The Australian was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: ”You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!”
”Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness”, the Aussie replied. ”In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20 lashes but 100 lashes.”
”Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave”. The Sheikh said with an admiring look on his face. ”If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And what is your second wish”?
”Tie the Kiwi to my back.”
A father and his son, Bobby, arrive at the local Rugby match and Dad can’t find the tickets.
Dad: ”Nip home and see if I left the tickets there.”
Bobby: ”No probs, Dad.”
Half an hour later Bobby returns to his dad who is patiently waiting outside the stadium.
Bobby: ”Yep, they’re on the kitchen table where you left them.”
When I was studying in Ireland, I took up rugby. As my first season wore on, the lads and I were eventually scheduled to play a team which had a reputation for violent play.
Considering that we weren’t the most talented outfit to have ever taken the field, we decided to accept the challenge with a ”do or die” attitude, hoping things would eventually swing our way. They didn’t and to make matters worse our star player dislocated his hip after a particularly ferocious tackle.
He was clearly in a lot of pain, so we all stood back to which the medic who, in one swift movement, managed to slot the hip back into its socket. Then Champ began a long bloodcurdling scream.
To our horror, we realised that one of his testicles had also been jammed into the socket and was now firmly held in the place by the hip. Incidentally, Champ managed to rip a vocal chord with his screaming.
A Teacher Walks Into Her Classroom And Turns To The Children And Says, Today Kids Im Going To Ask You What Job Your Daddy Has!
she Turns To The First Child And Says, What Job Dose Your Daddy Have Tina??
she Replies; Hes A Carpenter Miss.
the Teacher Turns To The Next Child And Repeats The Question... the Child Says Hes The Head Of A Multi-organic Food Chain.
very Good Indeed Says Miss.......... she Turns To The Next Child And Says.
what Job Dose Your Daddy Have Robert?? He Replies...
he’s A Male Prostitute Miss; And Takes It Up The Arse For Â£50 Quid.
no, no, no Your Lying To Me Robert I Can Tell!
ok Then Miss You Got Me I Confess.........................................
he Plays Rugby For England But Im To Ashamed To Say!!!
In 1983 3 kids were playing in the street in Sydney when they were hit by a train. They all go to heaven and God says to them, ”You weren’t supposed to die, you were all supposed to live out your lives. This was not your time. To make it up to you, I’ll let you choose what you want to do with your life. Take a running jump off of that cloud over there, and as you’re flying back down to Earth, shout out what you want to do. And so it shall be.”
The 1st kid takes a running leap and shouts ”Lawyer” and so, 20 years later, he is a very successful lawyer, making lots of money, with an upcoming appointment to the Bench.
The 2nd kid takes his turn and shouts ”brain surgeon” and so, 20 years later, he is the most admired man in his field of medicine and making a ton of money saving lives.
The 3rd kid goes to take his turn, and as he runs he trips over his own feet and stumbles of the cloud muttering ”stupid clumsy arsehole.” 20 years later, he’s playing the back line for the Wallabies.