Running out of toothpaste
getting deodorant in your eyes
getting drunk and trying to chug a lava lamp
poorly done tattoos
gasps of amazement
puking so hard you break blood vessels in your face
white pants or shorts
hats that make your head sweat and itch
cordless phones that randomly hang up on people
heart shaped pancakes
having to reuse snotty tissues
loud vaccums that don’t suck at all
the word ’moustache’
poorly designed furniture
bras that are impossible to get off
rusty spikes in your bed
waking up in your own shit
Sheep stomachs used as hats
Your phone rings and before you get it, it stops.
creatures that are half man and half fawn who bounce around calling you ”Lucy”
pimples on the palms of your hands
having to bathe in dirty water that was used to wash dogs three weeks ago
the sound of your walkman slowing down the tape you’re listening to
dead people whispering at you in the night
burrowing elks who ruin your basement
dreaming that you get shot just before meeting Mike Patton
trying to touch the sky and falling down
barking dogs outside your place that bark all damn day long and then start barking at each other,
then bark at the trees, then cars, then kids, and then each other again.
open houses during the rainy season
hair gel that drips from the ceiling
being cremated when you were just sleeping
having your mom wake you and you fell asleep nude, surrounded in porno magazines
and pictures of the ’golden girls’ from tv.
running out of dishes and being forced to finally do them
monkey brain bits in your sandwich
being told that ’that’s just the way life is’
A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy. Are you the landlord? she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
Actually, no he replies.
Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him? she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
I’m afraid I can’t, breathes the barman - clearly aroused. Is there anything I can do?
Yes there is. I need you to give him a message, she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room.
A rather confident man walks into a bar and grabs a stool next to a gorgeous woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, Is your date running late?
No, he replies. I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and am testing it.
The intrigued woman says, A state-of-the-art watch? What’s so special about it?
It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me, he explains.
What’s it telling you now? she asks.
Well, it says you’re not wearing any panties.
The woman giggles and replies, Well, it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!
The man gasps and taps his watch, Damn thing must be an hour fast.
1. For every mile you jog, you add one minute to your life. This enables you, at the age of 85, to spend an additional five months in a nursing home at $5, 000/month.
2. The only reason I took up jogging was to hear heavy breathing again.
3. I joined a health club last year, spending $400 in the process. I haven’t lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.
4. I have to exercise early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I’m doing.
5. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
6. The advantage to exercising every day is that you die healthier.
7. I have flabby thighs but fortunately my stomach covers them.
8. If you are going to take up cross-country skiing, it helps to start with a small country.
9. I don’t jog; it makes me spill my milk shake.
10. Actually, I don’t exercise at all. If we were meant to touch our toes, we would have them farther up on our body.
2 men went hiking. They set the tent up when all of a sudden a
bear jumped out. Frightened, the men started to run. The first
man stopped to take his running shoes out. The other guy said
what are you doing you cant outrun a bear! The man said all i
need to outrun is you.