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The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and which ever side’s dog won would be entitled to dominate the world.

The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, removed his siblings which gave him all the milk. After five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen.

Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.

When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog.

When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it’s cage and slowly waddled over towards the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of it’s cage and charged the American dachshund. But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund’s neck, the Dachshund opened it’s mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite.

There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.

The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. ”We don’t understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves.”

”That’s nothing”, an American replied. ”We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund.”

-10+

Joke #1706 posted in the category: Russian jokes.

TRADITIONAL CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the band, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You go on strike because you want three cows.

JAPANESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty time the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowikimon and market them worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are... You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You count them and learn you have five cows.

You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.

You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.

You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION

You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.

CHINESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You have 300 people milking them.

You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

A BRITISH CORPORATION

You have two cows... both are mad.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION

You have two cows... and the one on the left is kinda cute...

-2+

Joke #3773 posted in the category: Russian jokes.

1. ”You get this one, next round is on me.”

(We won’t be here long enough to get another round. )

2. ”I’ll get this one, next one is on you.”

(Happy hour is about to end... drafts are now a dollar, but by the next round they’ll be $4. 50 a pop. )

3. ”Hey, where is that friend of yours?”

(I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position. )

4. ”Can I get a glass of white zinfandel.” (female)

(I’m easy. )

5. ”Can I get a glass of white zinfandel.” (male)

(I’m gay. )

6. ”Ever try a body shot?” (male to female)

(I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you. )

7. ”Ever try a body shot?” (female to male)

(If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I’ll do to you on the ride home? )

8. ”I don’t feel well, let’s go home.” (female)

(You are paying more attention to your friends than me. )

9. I don’t feel well, let’s go home.” (male)

(I’m horny. )

10. ”Who’s got the next round?”

(I haven’t bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention. )

11. ”Excuse Me.” (male to male)

(Get the hell out of the way. )

12. ”Excuse Me.” (male to female)

(I am going to grope you now. ) (Editor’s Note - one of my personal favorites)

13. ”Excuse Me.” (female to male)

(Don’t even think about groping me, just get the hell out of the way. )

14. ”Excuse Me.” (female to female)

(Move your fat ass. Who do you think you are anyway? You are not all that, missy, and don’t think for one minute that you are. Coming in here dressing like a ho... Get your eyes off of my man, or I’ll slap you, bitch, like the slut you are. )

15. ”What do you have on tap?”

(What’s cheap? )

16. ”Can I have a white Russian?” (male)

(I’m *really* gay. )

17. ”Can I have a white Russian?” (female)

(I’m *really* easy. )

18. ”That person looks really familiar.”

(Did I sleep with him/her? )

19. Can I just get a glass of water?” (female)

(I’m annoying, but cute enough to get away with this. )

20. I don’t have my ID on me.” (female)

(I’m 19. )

21. ”I don’t have my ID on me.” (male)

(I don’t have a license since I got pulled over and blew a 0. 4 after my last visit here)

-1+

Joke #7498 posted in the category: Russian jokes.

There was once a great czar in Russia named Rudolph the Red. He stood looking out the windows of is palace one day while his wife, the Czarina Katerina, sat nearby knitting. He turned to her and said, ”Look my dear, it has begun to rain!” Without even looking up from her knitting she replied, ”It’s too cold to rain. It must be sleeting.” The Czar shook his head and said, ”I am the Czar of all the Russias, and Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!”

-0+

Joke #8923 posted in the category: Russian jokes.

Billie and Tillie were delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Russian baby boy and the couple took him without hesitation.

On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses. After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, ”What ever possessed you to study Russian?”

The couple said proudly, ”We just adopted a Russian baby and in a year or so he’ll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him!”

-0+

Joke #9159 posted in the category: Russian jokes.

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