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Scottish jokes


This Scottish guy goes on a skiing trip to Canada. After a hard day on the slopes, he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain.

After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal on the wall with antlers, so he says to the barman, ”what the fuck is that?”

The barman says, ”it’s a moose.”

The Scottish chap says, ”fuck me! How big are the cats?”

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Joke #522 posted in the category: Scottish jokes.

Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, ”I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs.”

”Odd,” her companion replies, ”but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do.”

Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart. ”Two dogs, please,” says one.

The vendor is too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil, and hands them over the counter.

Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to un-wrap their ’dogs’.

The mother superior begins to blush and, then, staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and whispers cautiously, ”What part... did you get...?”

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Joke #3917 posted in the category: Scottish jokes.

A Scotsman, American, and an Irishman are in a bar.

They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.

Then the Scotsman says, ”Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Glasgow, there’s a better one. At MacDougal’s, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!”

The others agree that sounds like a good place.

Then the American says, ”Yeah, that’s a nice bar, but where I come from, there’s a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there’s this place, Vinny’s. At Vinny’s, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Vinny buys you another drink.”

Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.

Then the Irishman says, ”You think that’s great? Where I come from in Dublin, there’s this place called Murphy’s. At Murphy’s, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!”

”Wow!” say the other two. ”That’s fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?”

”No,” replies the Irish guy, ”but it happened to me sister!”

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Joke #6996 posted in the category: Scottish jokes.

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar, drinking, and discussing how stupid their wives were.

The Englishman says, ”I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don’t even have a fridge to keep it in.”

The Scotsman agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker.

”Just last week, she went out and spent $17, 000 on a new car,” he laments, ”and she doesn’t even know how to drive!”

The Irishman nods sagely, and agrees that these two woman sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch.

However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. ”Ah, it kills me everytime I think of it,” he chuckles. ”My wife left to go on a trip to Greece. I watched her packing her bag, and she must have put about 100 condoms in there and she doesn’t even have a penis!”

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Joke #7079 posted in the category: Scottish jokes.

A Scottish old timer in Scotland, in a bar, talking to a young man.

Old Man speaks; ”Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it’s built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. I piled it for months. But do they call me McGreggor-the Fence-Builder? Nooooo!”

Then the old man gestured at the bar.

”Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin’ back. I carved that wood with me own hard labor, for eight days. But do they call me McGreggor-the Bar Builder? Nooooooo!”

Then the old man points out the window.

”Eh, Laddy, look out to sea... Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board. But do they call me McGreggor-the

Pier-Builder? Nooooo!”

Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention and says: ”But ya fuck one goat......”

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Joke #7224 posted in the category: Scottish jokes.

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