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Shooting jokes


A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.

”How did this happen?” the emergency room doctor asked her.

Well, I was trying to commit suicide, the blonde replied.

”What?” sputtered the doctor. ”You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?”

”No, Silly!” the blonde said. ”First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $6, 000. 00 for these breast implants, I’m not shooting myself in the chest.”

”And then?” asked the doctor.

”Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3000. 00 to get my teeth straightened, I’m not shooting myself in the mouth.”

”And then?”

”Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger.”

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Joke #326 posted in the category: Shooting jokes.

How do you kill a blue elephant?
With a blue elephant gun.
How do you kill a pink elephant?
Hold its trunk until it goes blue and the shoot it with a blue elephant gun.

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Joke #4589 posted in the category: Shooting jokes.

Taking a phone call in her bedroom, a woman replies, ”That’s OK honey. No problem. I hope you have a good time. See you later”. Then she puts down the receiver.

”Who was that?” , asks the man lying besides her in bed.

”My husband”, she replies.

”What did he want?”

”Nothing, he said he would be home late tonight. He’s somewhere shooting pool with you and some other colleagues”.

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Joke #9970 posted in the category: Shooting jokes.

In Various Programming Languages

C:

You shoot yourself in the foot.

C++:

You accidentally create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot them all in the foot. Providing emergency medical assistance is impossible since you can’t tell which are bitwise copies and which are just pointing at others and saying, ”That’s me, over there.”

FORTRAN:

You shoot yourself in each toe, iteratively, until you run out of toes, than you read in the next foot and repeat. If you run out of bullets, you continue anyway because you have no exception-handling ability.

COBOL:

Using a COLT 45 HANDGUN, AIM gun at LEG. FOOT, THEN place ARM. HAND. FINGER. on HANDGUN. TRIGGER and SQUEEZE. THEN return HANDGUN to HOLSTER. CHECK whether shoelace needs to be retied.

LISP:

You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds ….

BASIC:

Shoot yourself in the foot with a water pistol. On big systems, continue until entire lower body is waterlogged.

FORTH:

Foot in yourself shoot.

Pascal:

The compiler won’t let you shoot yourself in the foot.

SNOBOL:

If you succeed, shoot yourself in the left foot. If you fail, shoot yourself in the right foot.

Concurrent Euclid:

You shoot yourself in somebody else’s foot.

HyperTalk:

Put the first bullet of the gun into foot left of leg of you. Answer the result.

Motif:

You spend days writing a UIL description of your foot, the trajectory, the bullet, and the intricate scrollwork on the ivory handles of the gun. When you finally get around to pulling the trigger, the gun jams.

Unix:

% ls foot. c foot. h foot. o toe. c toe. o % rm *. o rm: . o: No such file or directory % ls %

Paradox:

Not only can you shoot yourself in the foot, your users can, too.

Revelation:

You’ll be able to shoot yourself in the foot just as soon as you figure out what all these bullets are for.

Visual Basic:

You’ll shoot yourself in the foot, but you’ll have so much fun doing it that you won’t care.

370 JCL:

You send your foot down to MIS with a 4000-page document explaining how you want it to be shot. Three years later, your foot comes back deep-fried.

Assembly:

You try to shoot yourself in the foot only to discover you must first reinvent the gun, the bullet, and your foot.

RPG:

According to the team from MDTN Holland, (dykes, tulips, mills, the lot), the following bit is an archetypal bit of bit-twiddling using that dinosaur of IBM-languages, the ever infamous RPG.

C Z-ADD5 BULLET 10 C DO BULLET T C Z-ADD1 FOO, T C ENDDO C XFOOTFOO FOOT C FOOT COMP 5 69 C 69 MOVEL’MESS’ AFOOT 4 C N69 MOVEL’MISS’ AFOOT C SETON LR

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Joke #15230 posted in the category: Shooting jokes.

A guy walks into a gun shop to buy a gun.

”Can I help you sir? , asked the shopkeeper”.
Ah, yes... I want to buy a. 44 Magnum please.

The shopkeeper informs the man that the. 44 is a very powerful gun, and asks the customer what he’s going to use it for.

The man replies, ”I want to shoot cans!”
What? Cans! You don’t need a. 44 to shoot cans sir, a much smaller gun would do, advised the shopkeeper.

The customer has enough and finally says, ”Shut up and give me the dang. 44 Mag... I want to shoot AmeriCans, MexiCans, and AfriCans!

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Joke #21563 posted in the category: Shooting jokes.

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