On a bag of American Fritos-brand Corn Chips:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter’s special! )
On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box):
Do not turn upside down.
(Too late! You lose! )
On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: keep out of children.
(Dammit! Who are they to tell me what to do with my kids? )
On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space? )
On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
(Now I’m curious! )
On British Sainsbury’s peanuts:
Warning - contains nuts.
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions - open packet, eat nuts.
(I’m glad they cleared that up. )
In On a bumper sticker: Keep honking, I’m reloading.
In a classified ad: ”Vacation special: Have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts.”
In a Maine restaurant: ”Open 7 days a week and weekends.”
At the dry cleaners: ”We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.”
In the vestry of a New England church;
”Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished.”
In a Pennsylvania cemetery: ”Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.”
On a roller coaster: ”Watch your head.”
In the offices of a loan company: ”Ask about our plans for owning your home.”
In a classified ad: ”Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.”
In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: ”Don’t kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work.”
Here are some scarcastic remarks for the day, or even for bumper stickers.
1. A hard-on doesn’t count as personal growth.
2. Do I look like a f***ing people person?
3. This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.
4. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
5. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
6. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
7. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
8. You!... Off my planet!
9. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little
feet, I’ll put shoes on my cats
10. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
11. The Bible was written by the same people who said the Earth was flat.
12. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
13. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
14. And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
15. A PBS mind in an MTV world.
16. Allow me to introduce my selves.
17. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you
18. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then
name streets after them.
19. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
20. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
21. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my
22. I’m not your type. I’m not inflatable.
23. I have a computer, a vibrator & pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?
24. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
25. Did I mention the kick in the groin you’ll be receiving if you touch me?
26. It ain’t the size, it’s... no, it’s the size.
27. A woman’s favorite position is CEO.
28. I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
29. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
30. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.
31. Can I trade this job for what’s behind door 1?
32. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
33. Okay, okay, I take it back! UnF*** you!
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I’m wrong.
36. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
37. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
38. I plead contemporary insanity.
39. And which dwarf are you?
40. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
41. Meandering to a different drummer.
42. I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?