A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.
The old explorer said, ”Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gun bearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger lept toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I soiled myself.”
The reporter said, ”Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same.”
The old explorer said, ”No, not then -- just now when I went ””ROARRRR!’ ”’”
A pirate walked into a bar, the bartender said, ”Hey, I haven’t seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.”
”What do you mean?” said the pirate, ”I feel fine.”
”what about the wooden leg? You didn’t have that before.”
”Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I am fine now.”
”Well, ok, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?’
”We were in another battle, I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I am fine, really.”
”So, what about that eye patch?”
”Oh, one day, we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over, I looked up, and one of the pooped in my eye.”
”You’re kidding,” said the bartender, ”you couldn’t lose an eye from some bird poop.”
”It was my first day with the hook.”
Two hobbits walk into a bar where one of them picks up a barfly. They take her to a local motel; the first hobbit goes into the motel room while the other waits outside. Once the door closes, the hobbit on the outside hears strange noises through the door, ”I can’t do it, I can’t do it, I CAN’T DO IT!”
In the morning, the second hobbit asks the first, ”How did it go?”
The first one answers. ”It was embarrassing. I simply couldn’t do it.”
The second hobbit shook his head. ”Manhood problems, eh?”
”No. I couldn’t get on the bed!”
How did the telephones get married?
In a double ring ceremony!
What is a polygon?
A dead parrot!
Dad, there is a man at the door collecting for the new swimming pool.
Give him a glass of water!
Eat up your spinach, it’ll put color in your cheeks.
But I don’t want green cheeks!
”Quick, take the wheel”, said the nervous driver.
”Because there is a tree coming straight for us!”
Where does success come before work?
In the dictionary!
Did you hear about the fool you keeps going around saying ”no”?
No. Oh, so it’s you!
During a recent publicity outing, Jennifer sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.
”There’s no easy way to say this, so I’ll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year.”
Visibly shaken, Jennifer stared at the woman’s lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller’s gaze, steadied her voice, and asked
her question. ”Will I be acquitted?”