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Singaporean jokes


There is an American named Michael Fay

He loves to take our public signs away

Sometimes graffiti on our cars he spray

Until by the police he was caught one fine day

The Chief Justice to Michael he says

” A small fine you shall have to pay ”

” Four months in Queenstown Remand you’ll stay ”

” With six strokes of rotan coming your way ”

This decision Clinton try to sway

For vandalism is a game their local boys play

We should find other means to keep crime at bay

Because caning is not an American way

Tried all means Fay’s father and mother may

And even the American press got into fray

Desperate, the plea for clemency went President Ong’s way

Authorized to pardon, hopefully he may

Finally, in order that Clinton’s face shall not go away

Two strokes less of caning to Michael’s dismay

George Fay, his father still shout ” Nay! nay! nay! ”

Once Fay out of prison, back to US they will forever go away

We ain’t racist

We ain’t sadist

We don’t have a caning fetish

We just want some justice!

-4+

Joke #19358 posted in the category: Singaporean jokes.

One day at the psychiatrists office, a short, fat man came in, stood in front of the desk and shouted at the psychiatrist ’HOI! Bow to me, lowly Chinese! I am General Yamashita! Hahahahaha’ and the psychiatrist said, ’What makes you think that you are General Yamashita?’ and the man said, ’Because God made me General Yamashita! Hahahahaha’

Suddenly, his laughter was interrupted by a voice from the outside...’ NO I DIDN’T!’

After counseling the man and convincing him he was NOT General Yamashita, the short fat man left happy and pleased. Before letting the next patient come in, the psychiatrist picked up the phone and said, ’Sir Winston Churchill, this is Lim Bo Seng. I have Yamashita’s plans...’

-2+

Joke #19656 posted in the category: Singaporean jokes.

3 POWs were caught by the Germans in a war. They were told that they will be shot at while they ran 100 meters. If they survived after that they would then be set free. So, the 3, a British, a Japanese & a Singaporean, lined up at the start. Bang!

They started to ran like they never did before. At the 80 meter mark, the British was shot down. Before he went down, he patriotically shouted, ’Long live the Queen’ and died.

At 90 meters, the Japanese was shot. Before he went down, he shouted, ’Banzai’ and died.

Now the Singaporean was at 93m, 95m, 98m, 99m...... Bang! He, too, was shot down.

Before he died, he shouted, ’KAYU LAH!!’ One meter also no discount!’

-6+

Joke #23537 posted in the category: Singaporean jokes.

Once upon a time, there was a king who had a daughter of marriageable age. As he was very fond of his daughter and he didn’t want her to leave him, he made an impossible offer to his kingdom’s men. He announced that whoever has two pricks would be eligible to marry his daughter. The invitation spread far and wide. Of course there were no one who came forth, and the king was secretly pleased.

In another part of the kingdom, there were 2 woodcutter brothers, Jack & Jim. One day, they chanced upon a very big tree and decided to chop it down for it would fetch them a decent amount of money if sold as firewood.

As they were about to chop it down with their sharp axes, a voice cried out, ”STOP! Please don’t hurt me! ” The brothers were scared shitless when suddenly an apparition appeared from out of the tree. He told them that he was the genie of the tree and if they would to spare him, he would grant them a wish each.

Remembering the king’s offer of his daughter as bride, the brothers each wished for a second prick. The genie said ”Your wish is granted. Now... what you have wished for will fall down from the sky. You must catch it promptly with your hands and attach it to where you want it to be!”

Jack was the first one to receive his wish. As the prick was falling down from the sky, he swiftly caught it with his hands and attached it right next to where his own prick is.

Now, Jim was the clumsy one. As his second prick was hurling down, he missed and it landed right on his forehead!!!

Jack, being the cool one, told Jim that it was alright and they should proceed to the palace to seek the princess’s hand in marriage. After all, the king did say 2 pricks. Jim, not wanting to expose what he had on his forehead, took a long piece of cloth and wound it round his head like a turban to hide it.

It was 2 days later when they reached the palace. The king was summoned and he asked Jack to show him his 2 pricks. Jack took off his pants and proudly showed it off to him. The king sighed in dismay and resignation and also called on Jim to show him his 2 pricks.

Embarrassed, Jim took off his pants and unwound his turban to reveal what’s on his forehead. The king then yelled in disgust, ”NI NA B EH! YOU THIS TYPE OF LAN CHEOW BIN WANT TO MARRY MY DAUGHTER AH???!!!???? ”

And so the term ”Lan Cheow Bin” was coined.

-0+

Joke #25025 posted in the category: Singaporean jokes.

The MP was making his rounds through the Sembawang kampung area. In Ah Chye’s kampung house, the MP noticed a pig with a wooden leg hobbling about.

”Excuse me,” the MP said to ah Chye, ”but why does that pig have a wooden leg?”

”Oh, it’s like this, sir... one night a robber entered our household, tied all of us up, stole our jewelry and was about to escape when the pig came out of nowhere, attacked the robber and saved us all.”

”Oh, I see,” said the MP uncertainly, ”but I still don’t understand. Why does the pig have a wooden leg?”

”Oh, it’s like this, sir... There was a fire when we were all out to the cinema at Chong Pang. The pig alerted our neighbors, ran around organizing a water bucket system and helped the firemen put out the fire.”

The MP was getting quite frustrated. ”Listen, Mr Chye, That is all very interesting, but I still don’t understand why the pig has a wooden leg.”

”Oh, it’s like this, sir...” Ah Chye said. ”We used to have an old well. One day, our little daughter fell down the well. The pig jumped in, saved our girl, covered the well with planks and we never had that trouble again.”

The MP shouted, ”I DON’T UNDERSTAND! Why does that damn pig have a wooden leg?”

Ah Chye appeared absolutely unfazed. ”Well, you know,” he said finally, ”with a pig that good, how can you eat it all at once...”

-0+

Joke #25026 posted in the category: Singaporean jokes.

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