Funny jokes for every day
In a small Southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets.
Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a "Quick Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets.
She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You damn Yankees never do read the Bible!"
I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.
She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage.
Sticking it in my face she said "See, it says right here, 'The three wise man came from afar.' "
Joke # 862 from category: Southern jokes.
A US Navy cruiser pulled into port in Mississippi for a week's
shore leave. The first evening, the Captain was more than a
little surprised to receive the following letter from the wife
of a wealthy plantation owner:
Thursday will be my daughter, Melinda's, coming of age party. I
would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried
They should arrive at 8 p. m. prepared for an evening of polite
southern conversation and dance with lovely young ladies. One
last point: No Mexicans. We don't like Mexicans."
Sure enough, at 8: 00 PM on Thursday, the lady heard a rap at the
door which she opened to find, in dress uniform, four
exquisitely mannered, smiling BLACK officers. Her jaw hit the
floor, but pulling herself together she stammered, "There must
be some mistake!"
"Madam," said the first officer, "Captain Martinez doesn't make
Joke # 9769 from category: Southern jokes.
•I thought Graceland was tacky.
•No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe.
•Do you think my hair is too big?
•Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
•The tires on that truck are too big.
•I've got it all on a floppy disk.
•Do you think this ball cap goes with this shirt?
•Damned if that polititian ain't honest!
•I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.
•You can't feed that to the dog.
•Trim the fat off that steak.
•I just love the Opera
•Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
Joke # 19316 from category: Southern jokes.
"Well knock me down and steal muh teeth!"
"Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit."
"I'll slap you so hard, your clothes will be outtastyle."
"This'll jar your preserves."
"Don't you be makin' me open a can o' whoop-ass on ya!"
"Cute as a sack full of puppies."
"If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it."
"Gooder than grits."
"It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs."
"It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch."
Wintry roads are said to be "slicker than otter snot."
A bothersome person is "like a booger that you can't thump off."
When something is bad then you say, "that ain't no count."
If something is hard to do, it's "like trying to herd cats."
"He ran like his feet was on fire and his ass was catchin."
A hectic schedule keeps you "Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor."
"She's uglier than homemade soap."
"Your momma's so fat, when she stepped up on the scale to be weighed, it said 'To be continued.' "
"He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."
"Uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits."
"The wheels still turning, but the hamsters dead"
Any insulting statement is always followed by "bless his/her heart."
Example: "She's dumber than a door knob, bless her heart."
Joke # 19317 from category: Southern jokes.
How to talk native SOUTHERN in one easy lesson
Aig - What a hen lays
Aints - He's got aints in his paints
Paints - What cha put on your laigs of a mornin
Arn - Ma's tard of arnin
Bag - He bagged her to marry him
Bobbed - A bobbed wire fence
Bresh - He had a bresh with the law, and the law won.
Bub - the light bub burned out
Cheer - What you set in
Crick - A small stream
Clum - He sure clum that tree fastern any 'coon
Chiny - country over in Asia
Chuch duds - Sunday go-to-meetin clothes
Core - He got hisself a new Ford core
Cyow - Animal on Farm
Deppity - He helps out the shurf
Dribbed - He dribbed milk on his shirt
Dainz - Satidy night social
Ellum - A graceful tree
Fanger - What you put your rang on
Faince - Whats round the hawg lot
Far - What get the brandin arn hot
Furred - He got furred from his job
Flar - A rose is a purdy flar
Frash - Them aigs ain't frash
Furiners - All non-'bamans
Further - Hits ten miles further to town
Grain - She was grain with envy
Hail - Where bad folks go
Hep - Poor George, he can't hep it, he was born with a silver spoon in his mouth.
Hern - It aint hern, it's his'n
Hilbilly - People in the next county
Hollar - Whats between the hills
Hard - Got a brend new hard
hand Tar - His core blew a tar
Laymun - A sour fruit
Laig - Most folks have two of them
Lather - What you climb up
Liberry - Where you go to check out books for larnin
Mailk - what you get from cyows
Mere - What you see your self in
Minners - Live bait
Misrus - Married Woman
Nar - Opposite of wide
Nayk - Your head sets on it
Nup - No
Orrel - Them hinges need orrel
Ormy - What the sojers go in
Pank - A light red color
Parch - Sit out on the parch and watch the grass grow
Petition - What separate the rooms
Poke - A paper bag or sack
Pokey - What the shurf and deppity puts crimnals in Poke
Salit - A green vegetable
Puppet - What the preacher is in
Purdy - She is purdy as a pitcher
Purt near - Almost; he purt near caught that greased pig
Rang - You wear it on your fanger
Rut - That there tree sure has long ruts
Rah cheer - I was born rah cheer in town
Rainch - A big cow farm
Rat - Do it rat now!
Rench - Rench the soap yourself
Roont - She plum roont her shoes
Salary - A stringy vegetable
Soardeens - Small canned fish
Shar - A light rain
Gully Worsher - A medium heavy rain
Toad strangler - A heavy rain Sody
Pop - A soft drink
Sprang - Water out'n the ground
Shurf - The Shurf put Clem in jail
Storch - This here aprn has to much storch in it
Skeered - that plumb skeered me to death
Thanks - He shore thanks he's smart
Tho - Tho me the ball
Thoat - I shore got a sore thoat
War - A bobbed war fance
Worsh - Go worsh your face
Warter - What you worsh your face in
Yurp - A continent overseas
Joke # 20432 from category: Southern jokes.