Brenda O’Malley is home making dinner as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. ”Brenda, may I come in?” he asks. ”I’ve somethin’ to tell ya.”
”Of course you can come in. You’re always welcome, Tim. But where’s my husband?”
”That’s what I’m here to be tellin’ ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery.”
”Oh, God no!” cries Brenda. ”Please don’t tell me...”
”I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I’m sorry.”
Finally, she looked up at Tim. ”How did it happen, Tim?”
”It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned.”
”Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?”
”Well, no Brenda, no.”
”Fact is, he got out three times to pee.”
A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom & gloom pessimist.
Just to see what would happen, on the twins’ birthday their father loaded the pessimist’s room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist’s room he loaded with horse manure.
That night the father passed by the pessimist’s room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.
”Why are you crying?” the father asked.
”Because my friends will be jealous, I’ll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I’ll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken.” answered the pessimist twin.
Passing the optimist twin’s room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure. ”What are you so happy about?” he asked.
To which his optimist twin replied, ”There’s got to be a pony in here somewhere!”
According to the Alaskan Department of Fish and game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid December. Female reindeer retain their antlers ’till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa’s reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen had to be a girl. We should`ve known! Only women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night, and NOT GET LOST.-0+
Late last week, I was rushing around trying to get some last
minute shopping done. I was stressed out and not thinking very
fondly of the Christmas season right then.
It was dark, cold, and
wet in the parking lot as I was loading my car up with gifts that
I felt obligated to buy. Then I noticed that I was missing a
receipt that I might need later. So mumbling under my breath, I
retraced my steps to the mall entrance.
As I was searching the wet pavement for the lost receipt, I heard
a quiet sobbing. The crying was coming from a poorly dressed
boy of about 12 years old.
He was short and thin. He had no coat. He was just wearing a
ragged flannel shirt to protect him from the cold night’s chill.
Oddly enough, he was holding a hundred dollar bill in his hand!
Thinking that he had gotten lost from his parents, I asked him
what was wrong.
He told me his sad story.
He said that he came from a large family. He had three brothers
and four sisters. His father had died when he was nine years old.
His mother was poorly educated and worked two full time jobs.
She made very little to support her large family. Nevertheless,
she had managed to skimp and save two hundred dollars to buy her
children Christmas presents. The young boy had been dropped off
by his mother, on the way to her second job. He was to use the
money to buy presents for all his siblings and save just enough to
take the bus home. He had not even entered the mall, when an
older boy grabbed one of the hundred dollar bills and disappeared
into the night.
”Why didn’t you scream for help?” I asked.
The boy said, ”I did.”
”And nobody came to help you?” I wondered.
The boy stared at the sidewalk and sadly shook his head.
”How loudly did you scream?” I inquired.
The soft-spoken boy looked up and meekly whispered, ”Help me!”
I realized that absolutely no one could have heard that poor boy
cry for help. So I grabbed his other hundred and ran to my car.
Little Known Christmas Fact
Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip... but there were problems everywhere.
Four of his elves were sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More Stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hidden the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the he kitchen floor.
He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.
Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said: ”Where would you like to put this tree Santa?”
And that my friends, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree.